Billywigs
by evansentranced
Summary: Features: A massive conspiracy orchestrated by Dumbledore, repeated abuse of billywig stings, a nearfatal brush with a werewolf, an intervention, a skeptical Lily, a hotheaded Sirius, an addicted James, a slightly confused Remus, and a pseudogenius Peter.
1. The Forbidden Forest

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: Harry isn't mine. The Potter bit isn't either. JK Rowling is a wonderful, kind generous and caring person who would never sue poor unsuspecting little me...right?_

_Summary: James and Sirius find Billywigs in the Forbidden Forest, Lily discovers the TSHSD, and Remus and Peter are confused about the difference between STDs and SUVs. Just read it. Oh, and review, of course._

___Alright, so the beginning of this story was -terrible-, and I am hoping I have made it a bit better. -I- didn't even want to read past the first page. God. Anyway. Here you go. Revised!_

* * *

"James? James! Wake up!"

"Wha- Sirius, go 'way." James pulled the covers over his head. Sirius sighed. He didn't care if it was four in the morning, this was important!

"You'll never guess what I found," he said temptingly. James was quiet.

"New secret passageway?" he finally muttered, though the blankets didn't move.

Sirius grinned. "Nope." More silence.

Then: "A super secret room of fantastic treasures?"

Oh good, James was awake.

"Nope! Come on, up. I have to show you."

James groaned and rolled out of bed slowly.

"I hate you, Sirius," he mumbled, pulling on his robes sloppily and groping around on the nightstand for his glasses.

"It's not nice to lie, James." Sirius grinned and tossed his head. "We both know I'm your favourite."

James ignored him. "Where are we going, then?"

"To the _Forbidden Forest._" Sirius' voice had dropped a few octaves and held a sense of mystery that belied mischief in his eyes.

"Sirius." James sat down on the bed and stared at him. "It is four in the morning. I am not going out into the forest with you!"

"Oh, come on, James," he said, his voice cajoling. "Its quite nice out tonight!"

"I don't-" James' eyes narrowed with suspicion. "You've been out there all night, haven't you?"

Sirius nodded, and pulled James up from the bed and down the stairs.

"Just trust me, Prongs."

* * *

When they finally reached the edge of the forest, Sirius stood back and eyed it thoughtfully. James stood back and eyed Sirius suspiciously, and worried that Filch might be looking out one of the castle windows. They really ought to find some cover. Sirius eventually nodded and made a sound of triumph, and launched himself into the forest.

"Sirius, you know where we're going, right?"

Sirius shrugged. "Pretty sure."

James would not be James if he questioned Sirius now. Instead, he shrugged as well. Now that he was awake, one adventure was as good as another. And if they didn't find what Sirius was looking for, well, they could always go looking again later, and get two adventures for the price of one.

"So Tinkerbelle," Sirius paused. "You remember Tinkerbelle, right?"

James grimaced, making his way through the undergrowth and wishing he was in front. Sirius really only held branches aside long enough to pass them, and it took most of James' concentration just ensuring they didn't hit him in the face. "How could I forget?"

He remembered 'Tinkerbelle' very well. She was actually Sirius' cousin, Bellatrix Black. She had been a Slytherin when she was in school, of course, all his family were except for Sirius. She'd left two years ago (in their third year) and Sirius couldn't have been happier. She had always enjoyed picking on Sirius, and as that usually included temporary loss of limb or vital organ, he generally not enjoyed having her around.

"Anyway," Sirius continued, ducking under a low hanging tree branch that inevitably swung up to knock James' glasses off. "I talked to a friend of hers a few weeks ago."

James stopped dead. "What? Why?" Even James and Sirius, who were quite possibly the post popular topic of conversation where ever professors met to trade horror stories, knew that Bella's friends were not people to consort with.

"It was that hippie bloke, from the States, you know? The one my mum hates?"

And James understood. It was obvious, actually. No matter who else they associated with, if someone was hated by Mrs. Black, they were automatically all right in Sirius' book. Considering Mrs. Black's prejudices and the company she kept, it was a fairly good scale. The hippie from the States was high on Mrs. Black's 'People to Crucio' list. 'Tinkerbelle' had met him in her sixth year, and he got her into 'all kinds of trouble a young pure-blooded witch should have no part of,' as Sirius gleefully repeated. Still, despite Mrs. Black's dislike for him, James could only think of a few reasons why Sirius would be talking to hippie blokes.

"Why'd you talk to him?" James asked, jogging to catch up to his friend. "And what'd he tell you that had you roaming the forest at night?"

"Please, Prongs. You sound like Moony," Sirius' face was filled with anticipation. "Anyway, we're getting close I think. He said it was only a few meters in."

"He said _what_ was a few meters in?" James asked, feeling miffed. "And I do _not_ sound like Moony."

Sirius ignored him and stopped in the middle of a clearing to perform a 'Point Me' charm.

"Ok, west...so, um, lets see...Newts Eradicate Stupid Wizards...Oh! That way!"

James followed, bemused. He hadn't had to use that little rhyme in years to figure out direction. Sirius was odd sometimes.

"You know what I learned in my Muggle Studies class?" he asked suddenly as a thought struck him.

"What," Sirius asked with a grin. "That Evans likes strawberry flavoured sugar quills?"

"Oh, no, she likes - Hey! That's not it at all!" James punched Sirius on the shoulder, well aware of his grin, but choosing to ignore it. "Arse," he added for good measure. "But really. Muggles don't use that thing you just did."

"What, the spell? I should hope not. Where'd they get a wand?" Sirius replied amiably, still grinning like mad as they made their way through the familiar forest.

"No, I meant the rhyme thing. You know Newts and such. That rhyme you probably should have stopped using ten years ago." Sirius huffed at him and he continued. "They used something odd...what was it?" he screwed up his face thoughtfully. "Never... Eat Shredded...Wheat! Right, that was it."

Sirius stared at him. "What the bloody hell is shredded wheat? Why would someone shred wheat? And then eat it?"

"I dunno, I stopped listening after that, but I think she said something about serial," James said carelessly.

"Huh. So this is what, the only thing you've learned all year?" Sirius asked thoughtfully. "Oh, no! What am I saying? You know what flavour sugar quills Evans likes!"

James blushed again. "You're lucky we're in the middle of a forest else I'd pound you," he said irritably. "And wipe that insane smirk off your face, you look like Regulus." The grin dropped instantly.

"Better," he said, grinning himself. "Now you just look like ugly old Sirius Black."

"Better than looking like dorky old James Potter," he joked back. "With his crappy hair and dorky glasses. Not to mention acute lack of vertical prowess."

"'Acute lack of vertical prowess'? Well, well, someone's been studying."

"You know it. Right here, only one in school who'll have gotten all Trolls on his OWLs."

"You'll do mummy proud yet."

"Hey, where are we?" Sirius stopped short, cutting off their banter. They were in an unfamiliar clearing, deep in the forest. The sky was greyish purple, as if the sun was about ready to rise. James was just as lost as Sirius sounded.

* * *

A/N: Ahem...THIS USED TO SUCK SO BADLY. At least the beginning, I haven't gotten so far as to see how the rest is, though I remember it being significantly less sucky. Let's hope I'm right, else I may cry. Anyway, I'm finally getting around to fixing it, because I have run right out of other things to do and am in the mood. I am so sorry for how this used to be. God, it's embarrassing. Anyway, review? Tell me if it's still embarrassing. Go on, you know you want to make me cry.


	2. Toothbrushes and TSHSD

Meanwhile, back in Gryffindor tower, Remus was just waking up. It had been about two hours since James and Sirius left, not that Remus knew anything about that. All Remus knew was that he always woke up at about six, because if he woke up any later, James and Sirius would hog the bathroom and he'd never get a proper shower.

Remus sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes groggily, oblivious to the two empty beds next to him and ignoring the fact that Peter's usual snoring was omnipresent, as always. All Remus noticed was that his dorm mates were slobs and that he should really say something later. And that his toothbrush was missing again. He accredited this to Sirius' unnatural fascination with Remus' things, and correctly assumed he would find it in its usual spot on Sirius' trunk. Incidentally, a few of his ties were next to the toothbrush, and he collected these up as well.

He stumbled into the bathroom and went about his usual morning routine. Shower, shower, brush hair, scour toothbrush with boiling water and about eight scourgify charms, along with several finites for good measure, brush teeth, check for pimples, check for grey hairs, find several, ignore them as usual. Dress, fumble with tie, give up, grab clip on, shoes, socks, take shoes off, put socks on first, and so on, and so forth. Once finished, he strode purposefully back into his dorm to wake up his friends, and hopefully make it down to breakfast in time. He marched over to Peter's bed and ripped the hangings open.

"Peter!" he said in an overly cheery sing-song voice. "Peter, wake up! Time for breakfast!"

At these words, Peter groaned slightly and rolled over to shield himself from the sun. "It's mornin' already?" he asked groggily.

"Yes, Peter! Morning!" Remus continued in his ever cheerful 'Peter-Morning-Voice'. "Now, up! Shower! Dress! Then we can eat!"

"M'kay," Peter muttered, and pulled himself out of bed. Peter was highly suggestible in the morning. Sirius had once convinced him it was the middle of winter, and he had obediently begun putting on his long underwear before he looked out the window and realized it was May.

The other two were a different story entirely. Remus took a deep breath, braced himself, and marched resolutely over to James' bed. He ripped open the hangings and using his ever loud and rude James-Morning-Voice, yelled "RISE AND SHINE SLEEPY --"

Here he paused. This could have been for many reasons. One of which was that Peter had just cried out in dismay at what Sirius had evidently done to his toothbrush. But the most likely reason was that there was no sleepy head in James' bed. Not even an tuft of hair. Remus watched James' bed suspiciously for a moment, thinking James might be under his invisibility cloak, or even under the bed, but he was most definitely not there.

He wasn't too worried. James had probably gone on some midnight expedition. And if James had gone, then...He crossed to Sirius' bed, ripped open the curtains and found --nothing. Sirius' bed was just as empty.

That settles it then, Remus decided. They're on some weird mission with Sir Cadogan again. Or they've come up with a new way to prank Snape. Those two...

He resolved to ask them about it later, where they'd gone, what they'd done, why they hadn't invited him, and so on, so forth. In the meantime, he had to go assist Peter with his toothbrush. It sounded like Sirius had put a particularly bizarre hex on it, from the sounds coming from the bathroom. None of them had any idea why Sirius had such an obsession with his dorm mates' things, but they all knew to be careful where dental hygiene was concerned.

* * *

While Remus was helping Peter battle his toothbrush, Lily Evans was sitting in her dorm, fuming about a certain black haired chaser. Lily was quite good at fuming, especially about this particular boy, and her dorm mate Mathilda was quite used to calming her down.

"Lily, I think you need to be rational about this," she said soothingly. "He..." she paused. "Wait, what exactly did he do?" she asked, uncertain.

"He asked me out." Lily said irritably.

Mathilda bit her lip. "He does that every day."

"Yes, but it was all different this time," Lily said, now staring at the ceiling apathetically.

Mathilda opened her mouth, closed it again, and after a moment's consideration asked, "Why?"

"Well," Lily said, clearly annoyed with the situation, "I thought for a moment I might say yes."

"What!" Mathilda gasped, absolutely shocked. Lily had been turning James down for dates since the end of fourth year. She didn't like him, thought he was an obnoxious git, and made her opinion well known. Mathilda had always been impressed with how easily Lily allowed James' wooing to roll right off her back. The public yelling involved in Lily's refusal to date James had made the drama well known about the school.

For her to have a change of heart and want to say yes, well that just undermined the most stable dysfunctional relationship at Hogwarts. This could cause mass chaos. People relied on James' persistent nagging and Lily's persistent refusal as an everyday occurrence. For them to suddenly stop would mean a serious paradigm shift for most of the school. Mathilda wondered if she should mention this, but before she could decide, Lily was speaking again and she had to pull her attention back to the redhead sitting in front of her.

"Its not really that I like him," Lily was saying, "It just that he's been asking for so long, you know how I admire persistence--"

"Stubbornness, more like," Mathilda interrupted with a sly grin.

"And," Lily said, only a small smirk showing she'd even heard her friend. "I think he's wearing me down, you know? He's been asking all year, and I don't think he's really been as much of a prat lately, and maybe if I go out with him, he might be a bit nicer..."

"Lily." Mathilda took her gently by the shoulders and began to lead her out of their room and down the stairs to the common room. "This is what I'm hearing. 'I'm sick and tired of him bugging me, so sick of it that I'm willing to ignore the fact that he's a complete prat, and that by going out with him I'll just be giving him more time during which to bother me. Oh, and I think I can change him.' Do you hear yourself, Lily?"

"I know it sounds a bit mad Mattie, but I don't really see what harm it could do..."

"What harm? What Harm?" Mathilda stared at her incredulously, and, throwing caution to the winds, began explaining exactly why Lily should continue to turn James down. She was still ranting when they'd reached the Fat Lady and crossed paths with Remus and Peter.

"...Mass chaos!" Mathilda explained, waving her arms about. "Total confusion! Hogwarts would collapse! They very world we live in would change. Most likely for the worse! Lily, don't you realize that this twisted relationship you have with James is completely necessary in order to maintain...order!"

Lily had been staring, eyes wide, since Mathilda began her explanation. Remus, who was standing behind them with Peter and waiting to get out of the portrait hole, looked confused.

"Excuse me, Mathilda," he said, "Are you talking about Lily and James Potter?"

"Yes, I am. And just look how terrible their names sound together. Lily and James Potter." Mathilda shuddered slightly. "So completely wrong. They'll kill us all with this foolishness."

"Oh, you're talking about the Theory, then?" Peter asked.

"The theory?" Remus and Lily asked simultaneously.

"Yes! Thank you!" Mathilda cried, throwing up her hands and clapping a bit in her excitement. "Finally, someone else who knows the Theory!"

"What Theory?" Lily asked curiously.

"The Theory of a Stable Hogwarts through Stable Dysfunctionality." Peter said, adopting Remus' lecturing tone.

Remus' eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You think that applies here?"

"Yes, of course!" Mathilda said, rolling her eyes.

"Merlin!" Remus said, flabbergasted. "And here I was trying to help James!"

"Would someone please explain to me what's going on?" Lily asked testily.

"Oh, you wouldn't know, would you," Peter asked, looking at her appraisingly. "I'm not the best at explaining things...Remus?"


	3. Wigging on Billywigs

* * *

"Ok, Sirius, this way," James said, studying the map. "Or, wait...this way?"

"Where'd you get that map?" Sirius asked, glancing over James' shoulder.

"Your pocket, you dolt. Why didn't you use it before?" James replied in frustration, turning it upside down to see if he could read it better that way.

"Er, because that's not a map," Sirius said, wincing. "That is a picture of a dragon that Nymphy drew for me."

"Nymphy? Your little cousin?" James asked in astonishment. "Why in the blazes are you carrying it around in your pocket?"

"Why in the blazes are you filching things out of my pockets?" Sirius replied, turning slightly red. "And she's my favorite cousin next to her mother, of course."

"Right," James said distractedly, examining the parchment with new eyes. "So where are going?"

"All right, James, I'll tell you. We are looking for a clearing with a big birch tree in the middle. It should be lit up blueishly."

"Blueishly? Is that even a word?"

"Yes," Sirius said in a superior tone, turning his nose up at James. "It is, actually. It's not my fault you never open a book."

James highly doubted this, and raised an eyebrow at Sirius. The sun had nearly risen already, and there were no more shadows to hide the bewilderment on Sirius' face as they walked. "You don't have a clue where we are, do you?"

Sirius ignored him, staring around with wide eyes. "It should be near, I remember these bushes," he explained, kicking a tall berry bush. A small bowtruckle appeared and attacked Sirius' shoe. "Yeah, I remember you, too, stupid bugger," he muttered, shaking it off and continuing his explanation. "You just have to look right. The stupid sun isn't helping either."

James imitated Sirius and opened his eyes wide, staring around at random. "How about there?" he asked, pointing. It was a clearing. There was a white birch tree in the center and it was all lit by a blue glow.

Sirius stared for a moment. "Damn," he said, "We would've found it ages ago if I'd just told you where to look."

"Yes, I'm brilliant." James scoffed, running a hand through his hair with a grin as he approached the clearing.

"I'm sure," Sirius said dryly, following him. When they reached the border of the clearing, they both shielded their eyes from the direct sunlight and looked around in awe.

"Bloody hell." James whispered. "Billywigs, Sirius?"

The clearing was overflowing with the small creatures, buzzing around them excitedly. "Yeah, hippie man told me about them." Sirius said, reaching up and trying to catch one. "He said they're great fun. Whole nest of them, imported from Australia by some long-graduated, misguided youth."

James continued to stare as Sirius jumped up and down, attempting to capture one of the tiny insects in his palm. He thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. "Ok," he said. "I don't see any harm."

He captured one easily in his fist, inwardly gloating that he'd finally found a use for his compulsive 'Catch the Snitch' game. Sirius badgered him for a bit, so he caught a second and handed it over.

"Ok, now what?" James asked, holding the struggling bug between his fingers.

"Er, I think we just let them sting us." Sirius said thoughtfully. "Yes, that's what hippie man said."

"Didn't he have a name?" James asked. "Did his parents just name him 'hippie-man'?"

"Look. I don't know what the man's name was, and I don't rightly care." Sirius said, toying with his billywig. "All I know is that he told me about this really cool spot in the Forbidden Forest where we could find Billywigs. And that he's Tinkerbelle's friend. I think that's good enough."

"Okay, okay, fine," James said. "Lets just do it already."

He put the Billywig up to his arm, hissing softly as it stung him. Sirius did the same.

The effect was immediate. It was the most incredible feeling, like pure adrenaline surging through his veins, along with a feeling of weightlessness as he rose a few feet off of the ground. His mind went hazy and he turned his head to grin lazily at Sirius, whose expression mirrored his own.

"Brilliant," James giggled.

"Les get some more." Sirius reached out and missed the billywigs entirely, doing an accidental somersault in midair while he flailed for balance.

They spent about twenty minutes floating around with the billywigs, trying to lure them into their pockets and palms.

"Here billy, here mate! Come to Jamsie!" James cooed at one of the smaller bugs.

"Jamsie, come over here, lookit this!" Sirius waved James over with a sloppy hand.

James hurried over, grabbing branches to propel himself, and stopped next to Sirius, who was staring avidly at the little blue insects.

"What? What is it Sirius?"

"I just had the best idea!" Sirius said proudly. "We can bring some up to school in a jar and then we can have them all the time!"

James stared at him for a moment. "You're a genius, Sirius," he proclaimed. "A mad genius. Now where can we get us a jar…"

He looked around the clearing, his eyes coming to rest on a nearly rotted log.

"Perfect," he said, picking it up and transfiguring it into a mossy sort of jar, complete with air holes in the lid. He looked around at the Billywigs, and in one swoop that was supposed to end with him holding a jar full of billywigs, managed to flip himself upside down. Unlike Sirius, he did not come back up. He hung in midair for a moment, stunned, then said, "Sirius? Little help here, mate?"

Sirius laughed at him for a minute or so, then tugged fruitlessly on his robes. He shifted back and assessed the situation, finally walking around behind James and shoving with his foot in James' upper back.

"All better!" he proclaimed as James flew right-side-up again. "Better let me try that," he said, snatching the jar from James' hand, ignoring the glare he was receiving. He executed a much more elegant swoop, catching a fair few more than James had managed, and after four swoops, managed to capture enough to satisfy himself and James.

They had been out now for several hours now, and the sun was now fully risen. Sirius had already warned James that the effects wouldn't wear off for an hour or so, so they spent the time blissfully enjoying Nature. Needless to say, Nature did not enjoy them nearly as much. They began their journey back up to the castle when Sirius tried a back flip and failed miserably, meaning he crash-landed in a bush. By the time they reached the castle, they were totally sober and ready for more, but, as Sirius said, they'd have to wait till after classes.

As James walked up the staircase in the Entrance Hall, meaning to grab his books before breakfast, he encountered Remus, Peter, Lily, and one of Lily's friends. They appeared to be having an animated discussion, and as he walked closer, he heard Remus say something to Lily that sounded vaguely like "You …skinned a cow?"

"Lily?" he asked in surprise, "You're skinning cows?"


	4. Of mice and cows and chickens

_Author: evansentranced _

Disclaimer: Harry isn't mine. The Potter bit isn't either. JK Rowling is a wonderful, kind generous and caring person who would never sue poor unsuspecting little me...right?

Summary: Was Lily really skinning cows? I don't know. Do you? Well, you'd best read and find out...

* * *

Remus cleared his throat importantly and explained, "The Theory of a Stable Hogwarts through Stable Dysfunctionality is an old theory. Most witches and wizards tell their children about it as a bedtime story. I know mine did, anyway"

"Mine did!" Peter volunteered.

"Mine too!" Matilda added cheerfully. Soon Lily would understand.

"Yes well," Remus glared at them all, a warning to keep quiet as he ushered them out of the common room and down the hall. "The TSHSD states that Hogwarts requires at least one dysfunctional couple to maintain order. They can't actually _be_ a couple, they're just always around each other, and for the most part frustrate each other beyond reason."

"That fits these two perfectly." Peter whispered to Matilda, who nodded empathetically.

"So basically, if James and Lily were to get together, or even get _along_, Hogwarts would collapse." Remus concluded.

There was a brief silence as they waited for a staircase to reappear, then Lily snorted derisively. "You can't honestly expect me to believe that, can you?"

"Well its legend," Remus explained. "Rumor has it that the headmaster keeps track of every dysfunctional couple that comes through during his reign. And when one couple gets together, or leaves, he nudges another couple into stable dysfunctionality."

"You can'treally expect me to believe that Dumbledore encourages students to hate each other!" Lily said disbelievingly.

"He has to," Remus said simply. "Which do you think he prefers: a couple of students fighting, or the whole school in chaos?"

"My mum told me it goes back to the Founders themselves," Matilda said seriously, automatically jumping a missing step. "All the way back to Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin fighting over students and whether or not Salazar barrowed Godric's favorite hat and spilled blood all over it."

"Blood?" Lily laughed. "And what kind of chaos? Like people screaming and running around like chickens with their heads cut off?"

"Chickens with their heads cut off?" Peter asked in shocked surprise, nearly falling into the missing step. "Where'd you get such a gory idea?"

Lily paused and looked around at the disturbed looks she was receiving. "It's a muggle saying," she said defensively. "You witches and wizards are too thin-skinned. Using magic for everything will do that to you. Never have to get your hands dirty."

The disturbed looks just got more disturbed. Matilda gave her a wary glance and said, "So, you mean to say you've chopped off a chicken's head and watched it run around?"

"Do they actually do that?" Peter wondered.

"No!" Lily said uneasily, "Well, I mean, they do that, I think, but I've never done it."

"So what have you done to get your hands dirty then?" Remus asked. "Skin a kneazel, perhaps? Drown puppies?"

"Skin a--no! Muggles don't even have kneazels! They have cats!" Lily sputtered, turning red.

"So you skinned a cat? Lily, say it isn't so!" Matilda cried.

"NO!" Lily protested, "I've never skinned a cat! I promise! I just meant--"

"So what have you skinned then? A cow? Got bored of tipping them, did you?" Remus asked accusingly.

"Lily? You're skinning cows?" James asked, coming up behind them suddenly.

"I'm not skinning anything!" Lily yelled in frustration. And with that, she shot James a withering glare and stomped off.

"Whoa. What'd I do?" James asked confusedly. Matilda just rolled her eyes at him and dashed off after Lily. James turned to Remus and Peter, and asked, "What just happened?"

"Lily started talking about beheading chickens, and so I said-"

"Wait, Lily wants to decapitate chickens!" James asked, feeling more and more confused by the second.

"No, Lily isn't going to kill any chickens, James." Remus said with a grin. "Peter just misunderstood her. Matilda as well, I think."

"Hey, you thought she was serious too!" Peter said shrilly, rounding on Remus.

"I was just taking the mickey," Remus clarified.

"Could someone please explain what's going on?" James asked rubbing his forehead.

'Lily used this muggle phrase, 'running around like a chicken with its head cut off '," Remus explained, "And Peter and Matilda, having had _no _contact _whatsoever_ with muggles, took it literally."

James smiled. "Oh, I get it. We did a section on muggle sayings in my Muggle Studies class. The professor said we need to understand what they're _saying_ if we want to understand _them_. I remember because he asked for examples and Lily said something really amazing about a thousand bats and a moment with a Kodiak bear, I think."

Remus shook his head and grinned at James, who had a distant look on his face. "You sure do like your Muggle Studies, don't you James?"

"Muggles? Oh, yeah, love 'em." James said. "Lets go to breakfast…"

* * *

After breakfast, during which Lily avoided James at all costs, and Remus, Peter and Matilda did absolutely nothing to stop her, they all went to their first class, Charms, feeling as though all was right with the world. 

In Charms, Professor Flitwick was having them practice Silencing Charms. Lily and Matilda sat together, trying to silence the ravens they'd been given, and talking in low tones.

"I'm just saying it's insane," Lily whispered, "I mean, you can't tell me there's a giant conspiracy surrounding my dislike of James. It - Silencio! - just doesn't make sense! I've always hated him. Dumbledore had no part of it!"

"How can you know that?" Matilda answered, poking her raven with the end of her wand, causing it to caw loudly at her. "Stupid bird… As far as we know, Dumbledore was conspiring since the first moment you saw each other! And I don't remember you hating him in first year."

"Yes, well, I didn't like him then either." Lily said mutinously. "Silencio!" She smiled triumphantly as her raven was cut off mid-caw.

"But you didn't hate him till he started picking on first years," Matilda said, now rummaging through her bag. "And I _know _he didn't start with that till at _least_ second year. He never picked on his own year."

"Oh really?" Lily asked, now watching James and his friends, who were sitting in front of them. "Does the name 'Severus' ring a bell? Or should I say 'Snivellus'?"

Matilda straightened up, pulling a small box from her bag and eyeing Lily apprehensively. Whenever she got started about Snape, things were liable to break. A distraction was in order, Matilda decided.

"Hey, Lily, I've got a plan to get this stupid bird to shut up," Matilda said loudly, showing her the box.

Peter heard her and turned around hopefully. "Do you really? D'you think I could see? I need all the help I can get."

"Sure Peter," Matilda said warmly. Even if Lily hated James, neither of them minded his other friends. As she reached into the box, she noted Lily and all the Marauders had paused to watch her curiously. With a small flourish, she pulled a wriggling mouse out of her container and dangled it in front of the raven.

"C'mon, raven, raven, raven," she cooed. The raven perked up and eyed the mouse beadily. Peter suddenly looked very ill. "Want the tasty rat, raven?"

"Matilda," Remus said cautiously, "I don't think you should do that."

"Why ever not, Remus?" Matilda asked pleasantly.

Peter looked very close to fainting as Matilda dipped the squeaking mouse close to the bird, who jabbed at it with its beak. Matilda quickly pulled the rodent out of reach and said, "Now, now, raven. If you want the lovely mouse, you be quiet when Professor Flitwick comes around, you hear?"

The raven cawed once in response and grew very quiet. Remus, Sirius and James looked sick, eyes darting from the mouse in Matilda's hand and Peter, whose face had drained of all colour.

"Matilda, you're a genius!" Lily said, grinning. "Bribe the thing! Why, that's positively Slytherin!"

James choked. "And you think that's a good thing!" he asked incredulously.

Lily eyed him distastefully. "In this case, yes, it is," she said coldly.

"I don't think it is," Sirius said, glancing at Peter again. "Professor! Professor, I think Peter's going to be sick!"

"I think _I'm _going to be sick," Remus said, holding his stomach and staring at the mouse. Matilda glared at them and stowed the rat away as Flitwick hurried over.

"What's going on, children?" he asked in his squeaky voice.

"Peter looks like he's gonna hurl," Sirius said, scooting his chair away from him. "Hurl or faint."

"Well, now, we can't have that, can we?" Flitwick said in alarm. "Now dear boy, I realize I'm not a trained Healer like your Madam Pomphrey, but I think I can make a stomach ache go away. What do you say?"

Peter groaned slightly and nodded his head. The professor waved his wand and soon Peter looked normal, if a little pale.

"Thank you, sir." he said uneasily.

"No problem, not at all," Flitwick said, clapping his hands. "Now, how have you all done with your spells?"

Lily showed him her silenced raven proudly.

"Fantastic, Miss Evans! And you, Miss Marsh?"

Matilda pointed her wand at her raven and said, "Silencio!"

The raven dutifully kept it's beak shut and Professor Flitwick beamed. "Wonderful! Now, Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin? Lets see yours!"

Sirius and Remus looked at each other and cast the spell at the same time. The bullfrogs they had been practicing on croaked, but no sound came out. They grinned as Flitwick praised them, and watched with the rest as he tested Peter and James.

"C'mon, Jamsie, lets see your best!" Sirius said cheekily.

"Yeah, _Jamsie_," Lily said in amusement. "Lets see."

James' face colored fantastically, and he stuttered out the spell. "Si-sil-ensio!"

His raven looked at him defiantly and let out a caw. "Nevermore! Nevermore!"

James and Professor Flitwick stared at the quothing raven as Sirius and Remus cracked up.

"Raven!" Sirius yelled, shaking with laughter, "Quothe the raven…"

"Nevermore." the raven cawed derisively.

Most of the class joined in their laughter, and James continued to stare.

Remus adopted a tragic pose. "Doubtless," he said, "what it utters is its only stock and store."

"Nevermore"

"Is there, is there balm in Gilead? Tell me, tell me I implore!"

"Nevermore."

"Wretch!" Sirius cried out in glee. "Respite and repenthe from Jamsie's memories of 'Lenore'!" Here he looked pointedly at Lily.

"Nevermore."

"Quiet, you stupid bird!" James said suddenly.

"Nevermore."

Sirius fell to the floor, rolling around and roaring with laughter. Remus grinned.

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" he said cheerfully. James stood up suddenly, glaring at Remus.

"Its not funny!" he said, supremely annoyed. It was apparent that most of the class disagreed with him, as even Professor Flitwick had gotten over his initial shock and was now laughing along with everyone else. James ran to the window and threw it open, yelling, "Out! Out now! Go away!"

"Leave… no black plume… as a token… of the lie…thy soul hath spoken…" Sirius gasped helplessly from the floor.

"Leave my loneliness unbroken!" Remus added, shooing the bird, which flew out the window, cawing one last time before disappearing,

"Nevermore."

James slammed the window shut and stomped back to his desk amid gales of laughter. He plopped down and cast an irritable look and his friends, who had yet to stop. They were still quoting Poe at each other and snickering. He glanced at Peter, who was staring over James' shoulder in horror. James looked back in confusion, just in time to see Matilda drop the mouse in front of her raven.

"Good boy," she cooed softly, she and Lily watching interestedly as the raven devoured the helpless mouse. He heard a thump and swiveled around to find Peter laying unconscious on the floor.

"Professor, Peter's fainted."

"Oh hell."

* * *

A/N:Review! Please? Pretty Please? Obviously, the bit about the raven came from Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"...

_And in response to one of my reviews...Lament Moon, you can never review enough. :D And I'm very happy to be in the top twelve. I'm going to go for top ten...maybe top five...if possible...I made this chapter a little longer for you!_


	5. Stupid greasy slimy stupid Slytherins

* * *

"She called me Jamsie," James said suddenly. He and his friends were walking to Potions just after lunch. James had spent much of Transfiguration and all of lunch glowering about the 'Raven Incident'. Sirius and Remus had spent it teasing him mercilessly about exactly the same thing, and Peter had spent it in the hospital wing, only just now having rejoined the group.

Remus grinned triumphantly at Sirius and, extending his hand, said, "I win, pay up!"

"Dammit, James," Sirius muttered, slapping the coins into Remus' waiting palm. "You were supposed to wait till class _started._"

"Well, gee Padfoot, if you'd told me, maybe I might have made more of an effort," James said sarcastically, skipping down a few stairs. "And _maybe_ I would've told you two to stop betting on me."

"Yes, yes, we've had this conversation before," Remus interjected, counting out his money. "And what conclusion have we always come to?"

James sighed. "My obsession with Lily is too perfect, and Sirius too predictable, for Remus not to exploit," he recited dutifully. "Although, I'd like to make it known for the record that I do _not _have an obsession. I just think she's - "

" - Perfect in _every single way_?" Sirius suggested in the cheesiest voice imaginable.

" - An absolute _goddess_?" Peter asked, hand against his brow dramatically.

"No, no," Remus grinned. "she is a _rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named - _"

"Aw, shut it you." James muttered, slapping him in the back of the head as they neared their dungeon classroom.

A few Slytherins who had been waiting for the teacher to arrive glanced up at the sharp smacking sound and glared at them.

Snape was one of them. He muttered something under his breath that sounded distinctly like "Blood traitor…"

Sirius growled slightly, catching James' attention.

"What was that, Snivellus?" he questioned loudly, taking a step forward with James at his side.

Severus said nothing, but stood to face them, glaring defiantly.

"What did he say?" James muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Blood traitor," Sirius responded just as quietly. James glared and pulled out his wand, pointing it at Severus, who immediately produced his own. They were standing like that, facing each other down with their wands pointed at each other, when Lily and Professor Slughorn walked around the corner, chatting.

"…never have been in Slytherin," Lily was saying with a smile. She stopped dead, taking in the sight before her. "James! Sirius! What are you doing?"

"Er, well, its like this," James began, dropping his wand hand to his side and turning around to explain. Severus gave Sirius one last scathing look and put his own wand away as well.

"Well, what's all this?" Slughorn asked. "Not dueling in the corridors, I hope. James, Severus? What was going on?"

"Well, sir," Severus said, glancing back at his fellow Slytherins. "I was just talking here with my group, and this _Gryffindor_ just started attacking me."

Lily glowered at James, who quickly tried to save face.

"That's not true at all!" James said angrily. "He called Sirius something, and I was just defending him!"

"Mr. Potter, I hardly think name-calling is an excuse for dueling in the corridors!" Slughorn said, inflating his huge chest. "Now, I understand that OWL year is very taxing for some students, and maybe it's just stress from all that extra studying you're assuredly participating in. Am I correct?"

James frowned, but nodded sullenly, understanding that he was being given an out.

"Well, then, I suppose it's understandable for you to come close to breaking under the pressure, so I'll only take five points this time. Don't let it happen again, understand?"

"Yes, sir," James said, looking at his shoes crossly.

"Very good, very good," Slughorn said with a smile. "Now, James, Lily, Sirius and Severus. Avery, you too. I hope I'll be seeing you all at the little get together I have planned this weekend?"

They all muttered affirmatives and Slughorn opened the door to the classroom and ushered everyone inside to begin the lesson.

James stalked in, his friends trailing along behind him, and sat down at his normal seat toward the middle of the class. Lily glared at him as she passed, and took a seat further away from him than she usually did. Her friend followed, gifting him with a small glare, and smiling at Peter apologetically, presumably for the mouse episode.

Sirius winked at her.

"Lily," Matilda whispered as she sat down next to her friend, "Sirius just _winked_ at me."

"Sirius winks at everyone," Lily said, still out of sorts about what had happened before class. "I think his eye just twitches every once in a while. Nothing to worry about, don't worry about it."

Matilda just nodded, and glanced back over at Sirius, who was whispering with what looked like a very moody James.

" - and I'll bet he did absolutely nothing to provoke him, James is such a pricks sometimes, and Mattie, are you listening to me?" Lily asked suddenly, jabbing Matilda in the side.

"Oh, of course, Lily dear." Matilda said absently.

"Gah. Just cut up the shrivelfigs, Mattie. Anyway, as I was saying, why do they always have to gang up on Severus like that? He doesn't do anything to them, they're just bullies, it's so immature…"

An hour later, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter left the potions dungeon, James still grumbling irritably.

"Bloody Snivellus, lose me five bloody points from Slughorn, stupid greasy slimy stupid Slytherin…"

"Aw, come on, James, it was just five points," Remus said placatingly as they walked up to the Great Hall for dinner.

"Yeah, you're still one of Slughorn's favorites," Peter muttered. "Unlike some of us."

"Snape embarrassed me!" James said indignantly. "In front of Lily! And he made it seem like I was ganging up on him again! Which I wasn't! I haven't gone out of my way to pick on him in a long time!"

"Yes, James, we've all heard the 'new leaf' speech a dozen times apiece," Sirius said, bypassing the Great Hall and heading for the stairs instead. "Now come with me, I need to drop something off in the dorm."

Remus and Peter turned to follow him, but he waved them off, saying it wasn't important enough for them all to be late for dinner.

"What do you need to get?" James asked as they headed up the stairs together.

Sirius grinned and mimicked floating around in the air. James grinned back and they both quickened their pace, eventually full out racing up the stairs.

And so, Lily spent dinner complaining to Mattie, Remus spent it with Peter, who was never very good conversation in the first place, least of all when he was eating, James and Sirius spent it out of their trees on Billywigs, and Severus Snape spent it doing what any normal Slytherin would do during dinner; which was eating.

* * *


	6. Prefect Moony

* * *

"Evans, will you go out with me?" James asked sweetly.

Lily and Matilda stared at him, before Lily frowned slightly and said, "No."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

James snuck up behind Lily after classes. "Lily, please go out with me?"

Lily glanced at Matilda, who grimaced. "No, James," Lily said, "I told you day before yesterday. No."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Lily, pretty please go out with me? I brought you a flower." James produced a giant, floppy yellow flower that appeared to have fangs.

Matilda laughed as Lily exclaimed, "NO, and that's not even a normal flower, that's one of Professor Sprout's biting flowers. Why would you give me that?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Lily, go out with me?" James asked, twisting his hands behind his back.

Lily stared at him for a moment. Matilda elbowed her. "No, James. I've got to go to class."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Sirius! Why won't she go out with me?" James plopped dejectedly down slightly above his bed. They were sitting in their dorm doing billywigs, after James had just asked Lily on a date and been turned down. Again.

"I dunno, James," Sirius said dully, spinning slowly through the air. "Maybe the same reason she's said no the past sixteen times?"

"Is she still mad about that thing with Snape at Potions? 'Cause that was three weeks ago, and she really needs to move on."

"No, James, for the last time, I don't think that's it."

"Then what?" James did a small flip, looked around his dorm, and plopped back down again. He'd tried every trick in the book. Normally by now, he'd have gone out with the girl, they'd have lasted a bit, then gone their separate ways. He'd spent the time he could have been dating her _trying_ to date her. It was mind-boggling.

"James, just think. What happens every time you ask her out?" Sirius grinned slightly and flipped over on his side to face James' bed, where James was still floating, staring pathetically at the ceiling.

"She and that girl she's always with look at each other, then she says no," James answered thoughtfully.

"Exactly," Sirius answered back happily. Billywigs always made Sirius cheerful and upbeat for hours afterward, even when facing Snivellus. They had accounted for some confusion and paranoid suspicion on the part of several Slytherins, when he'd talked to them under the influence. "So, what does that tell you?"

"It tells me that she… What does that tell me Padfoot?"

Sirius sighed. "It tells you that she doesn't want to go out with you."

"Are you sure? Because I swear it's telling me something else," James said, floating upside down and looking at Sirius.

"Yes, James. The girl does not like you," Sirius rolled his eyes. "Alas, I fear it is time to move on."

James stayed for a moment staring at a Puddlemere United poster on the wall. The players flitted in and out of sight, smiling and waving.

"She doesn't like me?" he asked, confused. "That can't be right…"

"I'm afraid so, Prongs," Sirius said, watching James closely. He looked rather upset, now staring out the window. Sirius felt he should comfort him. He did a few somersaults; thoughtful ones.

James ran a hand through his hair and mussed it up. He sighed. Sirius rolled his eyes.

The door opened suddenly, and Sirius, paranoid under the influence and quite bored, had his wand pointed at the newcomer in under a second.

It was Moony.

A very confused looking Moony, taking in the wand aimed at his heart with a curious and slightly hesitant look on his face.

"What are you two doing in here?" he asked. His eyes widened. "And why are you floating?"

Sirius lowered his wand. As he attempted to think of a plausible reason for why they were both floating several feet off the floor, it suddenly struck him how odd they must look. He let out a small giggle, then a slightly bigger one. James looked at him and laughed too. Soon they were both rolling on the air, laughing themselves silly.

Remus stared at them, eyes wide. "What _have _you two been doing?" he asked, sounding disturbed and worried.

Sirius looked down at him contemplatively, still laughing a bit.

"Say, James, d'you think we should tell him?" He flipped over in midair and raised his eyebrows at James, although the effect was diminished very slightly since he was upside-down.

James stared at him, also upside down, so perhaps the effect wasn't ruined for him. He pretended to think for a moment, then said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, "Sirius, it's _Moony._"

"Yeah, I know who he is," Sirius said exasperatedly. "D'you think we should tell our dear friend _Moony_?"

James gave him an incredulous look, and glanced at Remus. "Excuse us for a second," he said formally, and dragged Sirius through the air to the other side of the room, where they began whispering furiously.

"Sirius! He's a _prefect_! It'd practically be his _job_ to turn us in! Are you mad?"

"Yeah," Sirius said uncomfortably, "But it's _Moony_, James. _Moony._"

James looked at him for a moment and said, "Is that supposed to mean something, Sirius?"

Sirius thought. "Well, I think so… I mean, I thought you'd get it if I just said it a couple times, but I don't think it's working, so…"

James considered this, frowning. It is a bit difficult to think clearly under the influence of Billywigs, and James had been stung by quite a few in the past hour.

"Well, I suppose that makes sense," he said. "But what if I was supposed to say the prefect thing a load of times to make _you_ understand something?"

"Hmm, maybe we should try that. Okay, you say that and I'll say this and we'll see how it works…"

Remus watched them bemusedly from across the room. They'd gone over there to discuss something, but apparently had completely forgotten, and where now playing some kind of game involving his name.

"_Moony._"

"_Prefect._"

"_Moony._"

He tuned them out and instead turned to their beds to see what he could learn. The beds would probably be more lucid than those two, anyway. He sifted through James' unmade bed, shuddering as he came across a Pumpkin Pasty that looked as though James had gotten it on the train in September, six months earlier.

"Eurgh," he muttered, leaving James' bed for Peter and the rats. He went to Sirius' bed instead, and there found what he was looking for.

"James, Sirius," he asked, straightening up with a jar in his hand.

"_Mooony._"

"_Preeeeefect._"

"_Moooooony._"

"_Preee-_"

"Sirius! _James!_" Remus said loudly. They stopped their odd game and looked up at him, eyes flying to the jar in his hand.

"Well, hell, Sirius," James said, "I kinda forgot what we were doing this for, but I get the feeling you won."

Sirius felt triumphant, for reasons he also couldn't fully remember, but faltered slightly at the look Remus was giving them.

"Moony-buddy?" he asked hopefully.

"Sirius, are these billywigs?" Remie asked dangerously.

"Well, they aren't _not_ Billywigs…" James said slowly. "So, I suppose - "

Remus cut him off. "Why do you two have billywigs in here?"

James stared at him blankly.

"Practicing Potions?" Sirius tried. "No? Okay, we were, er…James, help me out here…"

"Practicing Charms?" James asked. "No, that's not right…"

"You two are _stinging_ with billywigs, aren't you?" Remus demanded, waving the jar around.

The two boys stared at him. James nodded. Sirius elbowed him, and he shook his head instead. Remus threw his hands in the air.

"What's to stop me from reporting you?" he asked, giving them both a _look_.

"Because you're _Moony_, Remus," Sirius said, finally remembering.

"_And…_and because we won't do it anymore," James said, thinking fast. He and Sirius had already begun sinking to the floor and sobering up. Well, sobering down, anyway.

"You won't?" Remus asked suspiciously, glancing back and forth between the two of them.

"Nope, not one more eensy weensy bit," Sirius said with his most charming smile.

"Well…" Remus looked to be bending. "I suppose if you _never _do it again, I won't tell."

"Alright Moony!" Sirius grinned, "See James, I told you Remus was a great friend!"

"Of course he is, Padfoot! Remus is an even better friend than you!"

"Don't push it, Prongs."

Remus shook his head and grabbed his bag from his bed, which was what he'd come up here for in the first place. As he walked back down to the common room, he wondered why he'd always let James and Sirius influence him like they did. He sighed. They were a prime example of peer pressure, even if they were wonderful friends.

* * *


	7. Girl Talk

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: Lily isn't mine, nor, well any of them really. I didn't even make up Mattie or Elly...just their personalities...kinda. Thanks for making me feel all creative, JK...psht..._

_Summary: Lily, Mattie and Elly have...girl talk. Good Lord. _

* * *

"Lily," Matilda said, staring avidly at Lily. 

"Mmm…" Lily answered, laying on her bed and staring blankly at her Transfiguration text.

"Lily!" she whined, glaring over at her friend.

"What, Mattie?" Lily asked, closing her book and looking up at her friend.

"Lily, I'm bored. I want girl talk."

"Matilda," Lily replied with a sigh. "There are tons of other girls in this castle. Girls who aren't trying to read. Go find Elladora or Bertha, talk girl talk to them."

"Oh, please, we both know you aren't actually reading that," Matilda said, trying to snatch the book out of her hands. Lily held the book behind her back, and Matilda was still trying to get at it when Elly walked in.

"Ooh, Elly's here!" Matilda squealed, pulling said girl over to Lily's bed. "Now we can talk girl talk!"

Lily sighed and raised her eyebrow. "I meant _without_ me, Mattie."

Matilda smiled happily. "That's not what _I_ meant, though!"

Elly looked between the two, at Lily's exasperated face and Mattie's eager expression. Her eyes widened in realization.

"Yes! Girl talk!" she said happily, plunking down on Lily's bed, snatching the book out of Lily's grasp and stowing it safely under the bed.

Lily stared at her hands for a moment, perhaps hoping that the book would reappear. When it didn't, she sighed and said, "Alright, fine. Girl talk."

"Yay!" Both girls bobbed up and down on her bed and squealed happily. Lily rolled her eyes and smiled slightly.

"Now Lily," Matilda said, with a knowing glance at Elly, "Who do you like?"

Lily considered it for a moment. "I dunno," she said uncertainly, "That handsome bloke from Ravenclaw, Davy Gudgeon, how about him?"

Elly giggled. "Liar!"

"Excuse me?" Lily asked incredulously.

"And besides, he's a real idiot, for a Ravenclaw. Did you hear what he did just last week? Trying to touch the Willow, what a prat…" She trailed off as she noticed Matilda giving her a _look. _

Lily saw them exchanging a knowing glance, and grew faintly worried.

"Er, Mattie…"

"_I_ know who she likes," Mattie said slowly.

"Oh you do, do you?" Lily asked suspiciously. "Could you possibly inform the rest of us? I'd quite like to know myself."

Mattie grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Let's just say there's a certain Slytherin you enjoy talking about more than is healthy…"

Elly giggled. "Is it true, Lily?"

"What?" Lily asked in astonishment, blushing furiously, "I do not!"

Mattie laughed merrily. "Ooh, you do too!"

"No, I don't! I just think it's absolutely awful, the way James and Sirius treat him! Its not like he really did anything to deserve it!"

"Lily, I think you're slightly confused." Elly said patiently. "Your love for him has blinded you. He gives as good as he gets."

"My _what_ for him?" Lily sputtered, still blushing fiercely. "I am not _blinded_! You see, this is why I don't like girl talk!"

She got up to leave the room, and Matilda stood with her, intending to follow her.

"Please, Lily, you've got to admit that…"

"No I don't!" Lily said, walking out the door toward the stairs.

Elly sat on the bed, watching them leave, until Matilda looked back and waved at her frantically to follow.

"Lily, come on! It's so obvious!" Elly said, following Mattie's cue.

They arrived in the common room, ignoring everyone in it and still arguing.

"You like him, you like him!" Mattie sang, the utter picture of immaturity, dancing around Lily with her tongue sticking out. Lily laughed and shoved her aside.

"Fine! Maybe just a little…" she admitted. Mattie and Elly cheered and hugged her.

"Gah! Get off me you two!" Lily cried out, pushing them off. "This is not a situation that requires hugging!"

"Yes it is!" Mattie said happily. "Now you can tell James to bugger off because you like Sevvie, and then the TSHSD will be safe forevermore!"

"Wait, Sevvie?" Lily asked, laughing. "I don't think he'd appreciate _anyone _calling him _Sevvie_."

"Oh, but Lily," Mattie said giddily, "You're the love of his life, I'm sure he wouldn't mind _you _calling him Sevvie!"

"Love of his life?" Lily laughed incredulously. "I hardly know him! We hardly know each other! I just admitted that I _might_ like him a little!"

"Yes, but you know Mattie," Elly said, shaking her head at Matilda's antics. "'Might like him a little' is the equivalent to 'Married with children' in her eyes."

"You're right…" Lily said, and they both watched Matilda dance around the common room, announcing the wonderful news to everyone. Remus and Peter looked particularly disturbed, throwing uneasy glances in her direction. Lily shrugged at them and twirled her finger next to her head, pointing at Mattie. They smiled and went back to their game of Exploding Snap, only to be accosted by a couple of their own insane dark haired friends.

Lily watched Mattie in her continued glee, until she suddenly realized something. "Mattie!" she called, waving to her friend to come back to them.

Mattie danced over and asked, "Yes, Lily, dear?"

"Did you say something about that stupid 'Theory' just then?" Lily asked, eyes narrowed warily.

Elly's eyes, on the other hand, widened. She knew about Matilda's view on the Theory. Everyone within a fifty foot radius of their room knew about Matilda's view on the Theory. She also knew Lily's view on the Theory, which was, to quote Lily herself, that it "is a complete load of old tosh. Total rubbish."

Unfortunately, Matilda was too filled with good cheer to recognize the warning signs.

"Yes, Lily, the TSHSD! Once you and Sevvie get together, it'll be safe! We won't have to worry about James trying to destroy the delicate balance anymore! The fiend…" she muttered as an afterthought, and grinned at Lily again.

Lily frowned at her, beginning to rethink this whole affair. The idea of going out with someone because she was being used as a tool to stop mass chaos and destruction didn't exactly appeal to her. She opened her mouth to tell Mattie exactly that, but before she could, Mattie turned and made an announcement to the entire common room.

"Lily loves Severus, and they are going to date and fall in love and get married and have tiny little red and black haired children and Lily will make sure they wash their hair everyday and it will be magical!"

By now, most of Gryffindor tower was used to Mattie making announcements in this manner, and most tended to tune her out. But this particular announcement was too much to take for a few of the room's occupants.

"What?"

"NOOOOO!"

Thump.

"Poor Peter. That's the second time he's fainted this month," Mattie said sadly. "D'you think he's got some kind of sickness?"

* * *

_A/N: You have no idea what it took me to write this. Well...Pheonix might. But it was absolutley necessary, I swear. Gah...just review and make me feel better, please?_


	8. A solution!

_Author: evansentranced_

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I just rent them. And since JK loves her fans so much, its free till the year 2135. She's such a wonderful, loving authoress...

Summary: James and Sirius find out, and concoct a daring plan...kinda...

* * *

After Remus went downstairs, James and Sirius looked at each other. 

"Are we really gonna quit, Sirius?" James asked sadly.

Sirius considered it for a moment. "Well," he said uncertainly, "On the one hand, we promised Remus. But on the other hand, I really don't want to, so…"

"How about if we just _tell_ him we quit, and don't?" James suggested, sitting down on his bed.

Sirius thought about it for a moment. "I can't see anything morally wrong with that. Okay, we'll tell him we quit."

"Right," James said, hopping up and pulling Sirius out of the room. They went downstairs and found Remus and Peter playing Exploding Snap by the fire.

"Ahem." Sirius said importantly. He was ignored.

"Er, guys…" James said, nudging Remus. Remus looked up expectantly, and Peter took the opportunity to steal one of his cards. "Sirius and I have decided to quit."

Remus smiled. "That's wonderful, James. Want to play with us?"

Remus turned back to the game and Peter looked up from his cheating to ask, "Quit what?"

"Never mind, Peter, it's all in the past now," Sirius said jovially, slapping him on the shoulder and surveying the cards in his hand. "That's a pretty good hand you've got there."

"Yeah, well," Peter began, blushing slightly.

At that moment, Matilda made her announcement. "Lily loves Severus,"

James' head snapped up to stare at her incredulously.

"…and they are going to date and fall in love…"

Remus sighed and got a good hold on Sirius' sleeve as he went to stand.

"…and get married and have tiny little red and black haired children…"

James' eyes widened in horror at the thought of Snape and Lily having children. He went to stand as well, only to be forced back down by Remus.

"…and Lily will make sure they wash their hair everyday and it will be magical!"

This was too much for James, Sirius and Peter. Sirius stood and yelled, "What?"

James looked devastated. "Noooo!" he cried out, feeling disturbed, shocked and nauseous all at once.

The idea was too repulsive for Peter to handle, and he promptly fainted again.

Remus sighed sympathetically and pulled Sirius back into his chair. James seemed to be speechless, so he sent him upstairs to recuperate. He faintly heard Matilda commenting on Peter's apparent fainting spells, and shook his head. That girl had no idea that she caused most of them.

"_Aqueous,_" he whispered, and a small stream of water spit out of his wand and onto Peter's face. Peter sputtered and opened his eyes.

"What happened?" he asked confusedly. Remus pointed to Matilda, who was watching concernedly from behind the couch. Peter shuddered slightly and nodded. "I think I'll go to the library now." he muttered, and rose shakily to his feet. Remus helped him to the portrait hole and turned back to check on Sirius. Who was gone.

'_Bullocks,_' Remus thought, looking around for his wayward friend. In times like these, he liked to know exactly where all his Marauding friends were. He found him standing in front of Matilda, apparently interrogating her.

"Where ever did you get such a repulsive idea?" Sirius was saying agitatedly.

"Lily, of course!" Matilda said cheerfully, although there was a guarded tone in her voice now. Apparently she realized now that she had caused some trouble.

"_Lily_ told you that she's going to marry Snivellus and have…have…" Sirius seemed to have trouble forcing the words out.

"His children?" Lily asked, moving to stand next to Matilda. "Gods no! You know how Mattie can get sometimes."

Sirius and Remus sighed in simultaneous relief.

"So you aren't in love with Snape?" Sirius asked carefully. Never hurt to be sure.

"No!" Lily laughed. "I just said I might like him _a little_, so of course Mattie blew it out of proportion, and - "

"Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight," Sirius said, looking dumbfounded. "You _might like him_?"

"I said _a little_. Maybe." Lily corrected. She frowned at him. "Why do you care?"

Sirius stared at her as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "What about James?"

"I never did anything to encourage him!" Lily began, but Matilda cut her off.

"It's impossible for them to date or anything, anyway," she said nonchalantly. "I don't see why you're so concerned."

"Impossible? How is it impossible?" Sirius asked in disbelief.

Remus smacked his forehead. "I completely forgot to tell you, Sirius. It's the Theory."

"Theory?"

"The TSHSD. Theory of a Stable Hogwarts through-"

"Stable Dysfunctionality?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded. "No bloody way."

"Yeah, it all fits." Matilda said seriously. "Think about it."

Sirius furrowed his brow in thought. "Oy, you're right! I never even imagined…"

"Oh, not you too!" Lily said irritably.

"Lily doesn't think it's real." Mattie said, shaking her head.

"I just find it hard to believe." Lily said. "I think you know my reasons."

Matilda shook her head and looked at Sirius. "Do you understand why James isn't an option?"

Sirius looked at her for a moment. Things were falling into place inside his head. It all clicked and he grinned.

"I understand perfectly."

* * *

"James! Jamsie! Prongs! Oy, Prongs!" Sirius had just burst through the door of their dormitory and was bouncing around on James' bed, looking very much like an overexcited puppy. 

"What, Sirius?" James was sitting on the bed Sirius had just attacked and feeling a little gloomy. Not only had Mattie just declared something very wrong downstairs, but Sirius had just landed on his leg, which now hurt very badly.

"I've got a plan!" Sirius gloated, grinning hugely. "I figured it out! Brilliance, thy name is Sirius!"

"Okay, Sirius, what's this brilliant plan all about?" James asked, spirits lifting slightly. Sirius' plans always served to boost him out of a bad mood, even if only because the plans he came up with were so completely mad.

"Remember, earlier, I asked you what it tells you, when Lily asks you out, and she and her friend laugh and she says no and all that?" Sirius asked, talking very fast.

James frowned and sorted through what he'd just been told. "Yes…" he said slowly.

"Well, guess what mate! It's not because you're a great sodding loser after all!"

"Well. That makes me feel a little better," James said. Then, "Wait, who called me a great sodding loser?"

"I did, earlier," Sirius said, brushing it aside. "But my point is, you're not! It's the other girl!"

"What, she's a great sodding loser?"

"No! She's the one stopping Lily saying yes!"

"Why?" James demanded sullenly. "What'd I ever do to her?"

"It's the TSHSD, mate! That's why you can't go out with her!"

"The…the Theory?" James asked, remembering his childhood bedtime stories. "No! That can't apply here! Sirius!"

"Hey, I'm just the messenger," Sirius said, raising his hands in placation. "But, and here's the really fantastic news, Evans doesn't believe in it! She thinks its utter rubbish!"

James frowned. "Which means that…"

"Which means that she, being Lily Evans, will want to prove it wrong! Which means you've got a chance!" Sirius grinned. "Tell me I'm not brilliant. Go on, I dare you."

"But, the Theory!" James said, sounding a little panicked. "If we really are the couple, Hogwarts will go under! Mass chaos, utter destruction, that whole thing! Remember, Sirius? Or did your parents tell you a different version?" He looked hopeful. "Wait, did they?"

"Nope. Same obliteration scenario," Sirius said absently. "But that's beside the point. We can find a different couple. Just leave that up to me."

"And what about that girl? How are we supposed to get her out of the way so I can ask Lily?"

"Leave that up to me, too," Sirius said importantly. "I'll just work a little of the ol' Black charm on her, and she'll be saying, 'Lily who?'"

"Awfully cocky, aren't we?" James asked with a grin.

"Oh, you're one to talk." Sirius chortled. "Go look at yourself in the mirror while I get you the girl. Hell, do I have to do all the work around here?"

* * *

Sirius strolled down the stairs, charming smile firmly in place. James followed him to the bottom, and stayed out of sight but within earshot of what was going on. 

"Hello, girls." Sirius said, flashing his charming grin at them. Matilda and Lily looked up at him and smiled, then went back to chatting. His grin dropped for a second, but he plastered it back on and said, "So, Matilda. How are you?"

'_How are you?_' James thought on the stairs, stifling a snigger. '_Prat._'

"I'm fine, Sirius, and how are you?" Matilda asked politely. Lily watched from her seat on the couch next to Mattie as Sirius struggled to come up with something else.

"Er, I like your hair today," he said lamely, mentally kicking himself. On the stairs, James stuffed a fist in his mouth to smother his laughter.

"Really?" Matilda asked, looking pleased.

"Yeah! Of…course." Sirius glanced at her ponytail. "Very, er, sporty."

"Thank you," she said, smiling happily.

"Yes," Sirius said, gaining some confidence. "And your, er, robes. Very becoming."

Matilda beamed at him and said, "Yes, well yours are very nice too. And your hair."

"Really?" Sirius asked, running a hand through his shiny black hair. "You think so? I take really good care of it. How often do you brush yours?"

Lily suppressed a small smile and said, "Well, I'll just leave you two alone, then."

She left them to talk about hair styling tips and strolled to the portrait hole. James was still sitting on the stairs, feeling slightly shocked that Sirius' self-conscious rambling had actually worked. He thought maybe he could give it a try sometime. He heard the hole close and snapped out of his reverie in order to dash out after her. Sirius and Mattie, he noticed, were deep in conversation about styling charms and potions, and didn't even see him pass.

* * *

_A/N: There you are. Next one should be out shortly. I like it. I don't know why. I just do. Probably because I wrote it, but I suppose it works. I have wonderful news! My beta finally figured out how to spell her name! This is very helpful toward proper correction of my story. You should all applaud her. Poor thing... _

_Also: This started out as a gen MWPP fic. And it has somehow mutated into an L/J fic. I've no idea how it happened. I suppose leaving it festering in my mind (and my notebooks) for two years might have caused it to undergo some kind of crazy metamorphisis. But yes. That is what it is now. An L/J fic. Meh..._

_Oh yeah. Review!_


	9. Hogsmede? Dueling?

**

* * *

**

James dashed out of the common room and, after closing the portrait hole, looked around for Lily. He saw her turning a corner up ahead and ran to catch up with her.

"Lily! Lily, wait!" She stopped and turned around to watch him sprint toward her, eyebrows raised expectantly.

"Yes, James?" she asked when he arrived next to her, breathing heavily.

He paused to catch his breath and asked, "How are you?"

She stared at him for a moment, then let out a derisive laugh. "How are you?" she repeated, still laughing at him.

He watched her snigger, confused. It had worked for Sirius.

"You look…nice?" he asked hopefully. She shook her head, snickering.

"Are you and Black getting together to plot ways to pick up girls?" she asked, starting to walk away.

James clicked, and he followed her, thinking, '_It worked for Sirius, and she was right there with them, not five minutes ago, watching it work. Damn._'

"No, we aren't doing anything like that," James said hurriedly. "Nothing of the sort, I promise."

Lily glanced at him out of the corner of her eye as they walked down a flight of stairs. "So you aren't stealing copies of _Witch Weekly_ and poring over them with your friends in your spare time for romance advice?"

James blinked. There was romance advice in _Witch Weekly_? "Oh, of course not!" he said hastily, stifling _that_ particular train of thought. "And that's not important anyway. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Really?" Lily asked, sounding uninterested as they walked down a corridor.

"Yeah." James said, choosing his words with care. "You know this, ah, Theory everyone's talking about?"

Lily stopped in her tracks, staring at him. James continued walking, too busy trying to organize his thoughts to realize that she hadn't followed.

"Not you too!" she said, annoyed. James paused and realized she was gone. He turned around to see Lily staring at him, looking very exasperated.

"Oh, no, not at all!" James said, walking back to her, shaking his head furiously.

"Really?" she asked, eyeing him with caution.

"Really! Sirius told me they thought _we_ were the couple, and I told him, 'Sirius, that is such nonsense.'" Lily was nodding with clear approval, and James continued eagerly. "I can't believe he still follows those childish bedtime stories. The rest of them as well!"

"I know!" Lily said, and they began walking down the hall again. "They're so serious about it too, as if it's actually real, as if we're actually keeping the school together by being dysfunctional, of all things!"

James nodded and said, "See, that's just the thing! They really think we are! So I thought to myself, if they just saw how wrong they were, they'd give up on all this…childish rubbish." James winced slightly as he imagined what this particular childish rubbish could do to Hogwarts, but pushed it to the back of his mind and continued.

"So I thought, Lily and I should prove them wrong!"

"By going on a date…" Lily said slowly, descending another flight of stairs. "Becoming a couple."

"Exactly!" James said enthusiastically, tripping on a step in his excitement.

Lily paused. "Wait…is this all some elaborate plot to get me to go out with you?"

"I…what? No! No, I swear, there really is a Theory, ask anyone!" James looked around desperately, seizing a small boy walking past them in the hall by his collar and saying, "You! Have you ever heard of the Theory?"

The boy looked quite terrified, and stuttered out something that sounded like, "Stubble Moggs!"

"James!" Lily admonished, pulling the boy from James' overexcited grasp and straightening his robes for him. "I'm sorry. My friend here can be a little…strange. What's your name?"

"Galvin," the boy said anxiously.

"Wonderful," James said impatiently. "Tell her what you know about the Theory! Tell her I'm not making it up!"

"The TSHSD?" Galvin asked curiously, having recovered quite well. "Yeah, I know all about that. The Theory! Wait…" His eyes widened as he got a better look at them. "You're James Potter!"

"Well, yeah," James said modestly. "I suppose you've seen me at quidditch?"

"What? No! You and Lily Evans are _the _dysfunctional couple!" Galvin said, looking at Lily. "Yeah, you two! But," He looked worried. "Should you be talking? Won't that cause mass destruction and chaos and cause Hogwarts to fall and destroy us all?"

"Gah!" Lily cried, turning and stalking away. James looked after her, and glanced down at Galvin again who was still watching him worriedly.

"Thanks a lot," he said, "Now scram, kid."

Galvin hurried away, and James hurried after Lily, who seemed to have decided that the library was the best place to be right now.

"Lily!" he called, dashing down the last flight of stairs to find her standing at the bottom, waiting for him. "So, I wasn't making it up, there really is a legend about the Theory." he said cautiously.

"Yes, you were being sincere, I'm so proud of you," she said dryly. He smiled weakly, hoping she was joking, and plunged forward.

"So," he asked, "How about it? There's a Hogsmede visit Sunday, and I promise it'll be painless…"

"Tomorrow?" she sighed. "Well, I suppose so."

James grinned madly. "Brilliant! I promise you'll have loads of fun, and we'll prove everyone wrong!"

* * *

Back in Gryffindor tower, Sirius and Mattie's conversation had died when Mattie realized Lily had wandered off. Sirius had tried to waylay her with tips on facial treatments, but she was too worried about Lily to pay much attention.

"What if he corners her somewhere and _forces _her to say yes?" Mattie asked restlessly. "What if she forgets how important it is that she says no and says yes instead!"

"Mattie," Sirius said soothingly, trying to calm her, "Lily's a big girl. I'm sure she'll be fine. I'm sure James isn't forcing her to do anything."

Sirius was personally positive that James couldn't force a niffler to do his bidding, although Matilda's other worry was perfectly valid. Of course, that was why he was there with her, to distract her from her valid worries. Unfortunately, as she had just dashed out of the portrait hole to 'Save Lily', he obviously wasn't doing a very good job.

"Matilda! Wait!" Sirius sighed melodramatically and followed her. He caught up with her just outside the entrance, and caught her by the arm. "What are you doing?" he whispered.

"Looking for Lily," she whispered back, setting off down the hall at a rapid pace.

"Ah," Sirius said, rubbing the back of his neck. "That won't do at all."

He pulled out his handy-dandy two-way-mirror, and murmured, "James Potter."

James' face appeared in the rippling surface, and he looked ecstatic. "Sirius! She said yes! _She said yes!_"

"Wonderful, James. Mattie is looking for her, to stop her before she 'makes the biggest mistake of her life.'"

James' face turned sullen, and he asked, "_What_ has that girl got against me? You'd think I killed her cat or something."

"The Theory, James. I'm pretty sure it's nothing personal."

"Oh yeah," James muttered, perking up slightly. "So we're going to Hogsmede tomorrow!"

Sirius nearly dropped the mirror. "Tomorrow?" he hissed. "James! I can't find a replacement couple by _tomorrow_!"

James' expression dropped a few notches. "Oh, yeah, right. The replacement couple. I forgot."

James looked very sad all of a sudden. "Should I put it off till later?"

"Well, I think I'd be best…" Sirius felt bad about killing his friend's dreams. It had to be hard on the boy. He was going to be crushed. He looked in the mirror, expecting to see something reminiscent of a 'Crushed James'. He wasn't disappointed.

To hell with it. "You know what, James, I don't think you should put it off at all."

James' face brightened considerably. "Really? Why not?"

"Well, if you try, Mattie will probably just convince her not to do it at all."

"Yeah, that girl is really starting to get on my nerves," James said irritably. Sirius frowned.

"I don't know why," he said, annoyed. "She's just looking out for her friend and the school. You're the one who's opting for mass destruction and chaos."

"Yeah, well…" James muttered. "Hey, Sirius, meet me in the Charms corridor. If we expect to get this done by tomorrow, we need to get cracking."

"Agreed. Over and out."

"Stop saying that."

* * *

They met up a few minutes later and made a plan. They agreed to split up and generally cause as much turmoil as possible.

James jogged through the corridors, looking for likely candidates. He strolled casually into the library, avoiding Lily, who, by the looks of it, was avoiding that girl who was constantly trying to thwart his attempts at getting Lily. He couldn't remember her name at the moment, M-something, probably. He ducked into the invisibility section and surveyed his options.

'_Aha,' _he thought, eyeing two girls sitting at opposite ends of the same table. '_Perfect._'

The girl closest to him was wearing a Gryffindor badge, and the other was a Slytherin. He smiled to himself. This would be too easy. He aimed his wand at the Slytherin and whispered a hair lengthening charm. The girl scratched her head absently, then set down her quill and felt her head in panic.

Soon she had pulled out her mirror and watched in shock as her hair grew down past her waist. The girl sitting across from her looked up in surprise and, after fumbling with her wand for a second, cast the charm to stop it growing. The Slytherin smiled in relief and thanked her. The Gryffindor grinned back and said something about how her hair looked very _elegant_ that way, and how she should leave it. Soon, the two were chatting like best friends.

James watched all this in wide-eyed disbelief. That hadn't gone well at all. He shook his head and walked slowly to the other side of the stack, looking for a new pair to set against each other.

* * *

Sirius strolled down the hallways, humming to himself. He saw a third year boy talking to a portrait, and another boy walking past.

'_Perfect._' he thought, and leveled his wand at the first boy discreetly. "Furnunculus." he whispered, ducking behind a statue to watch the results.

The boy he'd cast the spell on cried out in pain, and the other boy spun around, wand out. The boy under the hex saw him and presumed, just as Sirius had hoped, that he had been the one to cast the jinx. He scowled angrily and pulled out his own wand. The first boy's eyes widened and soon Sirius was witness to a good old fashioned wizards duel, right there in the hall.

Sirius sat behind his statue and cackled as the curses flew, sure that his friend would be able to date whomever he wanted from now on, with no fear of Hogwarts devastation. He watched for a bit longer, until suddenly the fighting stopped. He looked around in confusion, wondering why, and came face to face with none other than Dumbledore himself, standing next to his statue and watching him silently.

"Mr. Black, please come with me." Dumbledore said gravely. Sirius gulped. He crawled out from behind the statue, and the two boys stared at him, scandalized.

"Sir," the first boy asked. "Did he start that?"

Dumbledore regarded Sirius seriously. "We will see, won't we Mr. Black? You two," he said, waving a hand at the two boys, "Should probably be getting to the hospital wing."

They nodded, and glared at Sirius as they passed. Sirius felt his heart sink even further as one of them commented to the other, "Great leek jinx, by the way…"

He looked back at Dumbledore, and then at his shoes as he followed the headmaster to his office.

'_I am in so much trouble…_' he thought gloomily.

* * *


	10. Solutions that cause more problems

_Author: Evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: If I still have to tell you, then you obviously aren't paying any attention, which means that even if I do write a really smashing, legally binding disclaimer, no one would notice anyway. So whats the point?_

_Summary: Sirius got in trouble! ...er...yes, he did, actually. And he's getting increasingly paranoid in his old-er, prime of his life... they do discover something important, though, and then go off and do something **incredibly** stupid..._

* * *

Dumbledore led Sirius up to his office, saying nothing until he was settled comfortably behind his desk. "Mr. Black, I hope you can explain yourself." he said, staring over his half moon spectacles at Sirius. 

Sirius thought about it, perched on the edge of his seat. Could he explain himself?

'_Probably not,_' he reasoned mentally. '_Not without accusing Dumbledore directly._'

He cleared his throat and glanced up at the headmaster, who was watching him expectantly. "Sir," he began, "What exactly am I explaining?"

Dumbledore watched him carefully. "You are explaining why you instigated that duel between those two boys in a school corridor, Mr. Black."

"Ah, yes. That," Sirius said, nodding. He paused, thinking furiously. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he went for it. "Well sir," He took a deep breath. "There's this Theory, you see…"

"Theory, Mr. Black?" Professor Dumbledore interrupted. "What theory is that, exactly?"

"The Theory, sir. TSHSD. The one where, er, you, ah, are supposed to be, er…pittingstudentsagainsteachothersotheschooldoesn'tdie."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at Sirius, eyes twinkling slightly. "Could you possibly repeat that, Mr. Black?"

'_I'd really rather not…_' Sirius thought. Nevertheless, he repeated himself, slower this time. "You know, the one where the, er, headmaster is supposed to be setting students up in stable dysfunctionality so Hogwarts doesn't collapse. That one."

"Ah, yes. _That one._" Dumbledore repeated, a small smile twitching at his moustache. "May I ask why that particular Theory caused you to, ah, instigate a confrontation between two boys who had never previously had problems?"

Sirius took a deep breath. "Well, you picked Lily and James, sir, and I think they quite like each other. Well I _know_ James likes her, and I'm pretty sure she could be persuaded, and anyway, I know neither one of them likes the idea of not being able to date someone for fear of mass destruction and chaos and anarchy and all that, and Lily doesn't even really believe in it and…" Sirius trailed off at the look Dumbledore was currently giving him, a mixture of amusement and something Sirius couldn't quite place. He resumed his rambling full force, trying to ignore his headmaster's expression. "And, well I thought if I got two _other _students to do it instead, I mean, those two guys are hardly going to fall madly in love anytime soon, and I thought…it'd just be easier for…everyone…" Sirius trailed off again, because Dumbledore was chuckling merrily at him, and he felt rather confused at the turn things had taken. He'd thought the old man would be _Obliviating_ him by now, not laughing at him.

"My dear boy," Dumbledore said with a enigmatic smile. "Would you like a lemon drop?"

"P-pardon me?" Sirius asked incredulously. That was the last thing he'd expected to hear out of Dumbledore's mouth at that moment. Now Dumbledore was taking a lemon drop and popping it into his mouth, and the second to last thing Sirius had thought he had thought he'd hear, which was the crunching sound the candy made as it was chewed it up, was resonating through the headmaster's office.

Sirius sat, staring confusedly at Dumbledore as he selected another. Dumbledore looked up at him. "Are you sure you won't have one?" he asked, offering him the jar of candy.

Sirius took a lemon drop and eyed it for a moment. He'd thought earlier that Dumbledore might obliviate him. Maybe there was something in the candy. He watched Dumbledore, munching away at his own lemon drop. He ate them himself, but that was no assurance. The man acted completely barmy sometimes. It could be a side affect of the candy. Sirius didn't want to go insane before he hit one-hundred and had a million grandchildren to pay for his stay in St. Mungos. He sighed and slipped the candy in his pocket when Dumbledore wasn't looking, then made a show of swallowing.

"Mmm, tasty, sir." he said with a fake smile.

"Have another?" Dumbledore asked, offering the jar again.

"Er, no thanks, sir. I don't want to spoil my dinner." he lied. "Professor? What about the TSHSD? Could you possibly fix it so James and Lily aren't the Couple anymore?"

Dumbledore stopped poking through his candy jar and fixed Sirius with his penetrating, light blue gaze. "I'm afraid that Miss Evans is correct in her assumptions. The Theory really is a myth, Mr. Black," he said apologetically.

Sirius looked down at his feet and nodded. "Okay, sir. I suppose it was childish of me to start that fight then."

"Yes, indeed, Mr. Black. But, as you believed it to be for a good cause, I think we can let you off with only five points from Gryffindor." Dumbledore smiled benevolently at Sirius, who grinned back at him. "Just try not to do it again, hmm?"

"Yes sir," Sirius said. "May I be excused? I'd like to go find James and tell him the good news."

"Of course, Mr. Black. Have a nice weekend."

"You too, Professor Dumbledore."

* * *

"James Potter," Sirius whispered urgently as he stepped off the spiraling staircase from Dumbledore's office. He was holding the mirror in the palm of his hand, and sighed audibly when James' face appeared. "James? Where are you?" 

"Library," James replied sullenly. "I tried to get a couple people angry at each other, but one pair ended up chatting like old biddies, and the other found me, and I got twenty points from Gryffindor, so now I'm sitting with Peter, 'cause apparently _he _came in here to hide from whatserface, but Lily's here too and I -"

"Yeah, James, that's great, shut your trap," Sirius replied hurriedly, not listening to a word that was being said to him, and currently dashing toward the library. "James, I just got caught by Dumbledore, and -"

"You _what_?" James asked, all attention fixated on Sirius' face in the mirror. "How did you manage that?"

"There was a statue, and then some curses, he wasn't there, then he was, I dunno, magic or something…" Sirius mumbled vaguely, halfway there and wishing he had his broomstick, so he could get there faster. "Anyway, you're in the library? Meet me in the invisibility section, and I'll tell you what happened."

"I was already there," James began sullenly. "They caught me and I was nearly kicked out."

"Yes, well…be more discreet, you great sodding loser," Sirius said, skidding to a halt. "Look, I'm just outside. I've had an idea and I need you to meet me in the Invisibility section."

* * *

Five minutes later found James skulking furtively around the invisibility section, waiting for Sirius. 

"I thought he said he was just outside," he muttered to himself.

"I was." said a voice behind him, causing James to jump slightly and spin around.

"Sirius!" he whispered frantically. "Shut up!"

Sirius paid him no heed, and continued flipping through the book he'd brought. "James," he said rather too loudly. "Check this out. It's an abridged version of _Hogwarts, a History_."

"Yeah, and what's so great about it?" James asked quietly.

"I told you about Dumbledore, yeah?"

"Yeah…"

"Well," Sirius said, dragging James down to sit on the floor, "He said there's no such thing as the TSHSD."

James just stared at him for a moment. "That's great! Why didn't you say so before?"

"Because," Sirius said, eyes steely. "He tried to feed me a lemon drop."

"He - wait, _what_?"

"He tried to feed me one of those _candies_ of his," Sirius said scornfully. "As if I didn't _know_ already."

James was lost. "What did you already _know_?"

"That he's got some kind of…cheering charm or…diversion solution or…memory potion mixed in with the lemony goodness." Sirius responded suspiciously.

James paused for a moment, wondering if his friend had finally cracked, then shook himself out of it and said, "Well. Anyway, he tried to feed you a lemon drop so that means…"

"That he was lying, of course." Sirius replied promptly.

"So there _is_ a TSHSD?"

"Yes. And I've just found more proof, right here."

"In the book?" James asked, taking it from Sirius and examining the page he was currently pursuing. It was about the Hufflepuff founder. Something about the creation of the Sorting Hat. James couldn't see what it had to do with the existence of TSHSD.

"Sirius…"

Sirius glanced at the page he was examining. "Not that one, you great sodding loser! Turn the page!"

James grimaced irritably at Sirius for calling him names and having no creativity, but turned the page. It was the end of the chapter, so the page should have been blank. Instead, there was writing. It looked to be very old, and appeared to have been written by two people having a rather intense conversation.

* * *

_Why is there nothing about it in here?_

_**I told you to stop writing in the books.**_

_It's not like we'll be hexed or something. Madam Pince isn't even around._

_**I'll bet anything there are hexes on these books. You know how she can get..**_

_Yes, well. Why is there nothing about it in here?_

_**Well, Professor Dippet doesn't want people knowing what he's doing, does he? It'd hardly be in the nearest reference book.**_

_Fair point. So what do we do?_

_**I say check the restricted section for anything to do with the Theory.

* * *

**_

"Brilliant, Sirius!" James said excitedly. "They're talking about the Theory!"

Sirius grinned and motioned for him to read on.

* * *

_Perfect! Guess what I found!_

_**What?**_

_A list of previous couples!_

**_Fanta-_**

**_

* * *

_**"Wonder what that was all about?" James asked, referring to the large scratch marking the end of their conversation. 

"Dunno," Sirius said, eyes gleaming. "Madam Pince's jinxes probably kicked in…This is exactly what we needed! They were looking for the same thing we are, and they found it too! In the restricted section!"

"So," James said thoughtfully. "Invisibility cloak, d'you think?"

"Definitely."

In little more than an hour later, James and Sirius were huddled together under James' invisibility cloak, digging through the Restricted Section for the book their writers had been talking about.

"If they could find it so quickly, we should be able to as well," Sirius kept muttering to James under his breath. Their only problem was that it was not actually after closing time, and as such, there were people all over the library, including Peter, Lily and Madam Pince.

"Aha!" James whispered loudly.

"You found it?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"No, but I did find that Curse of the Bogies we were looking for."

"Cor! …well, we'll just grab that and keep looking then, eh?"

It took them a few hours, but eventually they found it. It was a small leather bound book, about the size of a diary. Inside was a detailed explanation of the Theory itself, along with a long list, dating back almost to the founders time, of dysfunctional couples.

"Blimey, James, look!" Sirius pointed about three quarters down the page, at an inscription marked, '_Araminta Meliflua - Bilius Weasley'. _

"What am I looking at?" James asked cluelessly.

"Araminta Meliflua is my second cousin," Sirius said, pointing down at the book again. "And you've heard of the Weasleys, haven't you?"

"Yes…so they were a dysfunctional couple too?" James asked in awe. "Wow, I feel sorry for that Weasley…"

"Hey, you think we could talk to them?" James asked suddenly. "You know, meet up with them?"

"Not my cousin." Sirius said darkly. "I don't like talking to my family, James."

"Alright, alright. This Bilius Weasley, then. Maybe we could meet up with him in Hogsmede sometime."

"It's a fair idea. Owl him and ask." Sirius said, now scanning to the very bottom of the list. "Aha! '_James Potter - Lily Evans_'. What did I tell you?"

James stared at his and Lily's names on the list. This cinched it. They were a dysfunctional couple. Doomed.

"Should we tell Lily?" he asked in a small voice.

"No! Of course not!" Sirius said, as though speaking to a small child. "If she finds out, Jamsie, then even if we do manage to pass the…_title_ onto someone else, she'll never go out with you!"

"Sirius," James said in a hopeless voice. "How are we ever going to manage this?"

"Don't worry, Jamsie-poo, Sirius will make it all better," Sirius cooed, placing a comforting hand on James' knee. James scowled and backed away, pushing him off irritably.

"Stop that, Sirius. Its creepy."

"No its not. But fine, if you don't like it, we'll do something else to _clear_ your mind out," Sirius said, now pulling James out of the library and toward the Entrance Hall.

"Sirius?" James asked curiously. "The clearing?"

Sirius grinned. "The clearing."

* * *

Not too much later found James and Sirius mucking about in the clearing where they'd first found the billywigs. Upon arrival, James had snagged three of the tiny little bugs and stabbed himself with all of them at once. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow, and after grabbing one for himself, said, "You alright, Jamsie?"

"I'm fine," James muttered, floating up into the air irritably, if that was possible. Sirius let it go and they spent the rest of the night out in the forest, eventually floating haphazardly back toward the castle around four, but only making it as far as Hagrid's cabin before tumbling to the earth and passing out cold.

* * *

_A.N: This was seven pages long at last count. So yes. Here you are. Enjoy aplenty, and be sure to reveiw afterward. Helps with indigestion, you know. :D Also, James is an idiot. But he always was. That's just my opinion...But he'll learn :cackles evily: Oh, how he'll learn... :cackles again:_


	11. STDs, SUVs and hangovers

* * *

It was a sunny Sunday afternoon. The sky was blue, the grass was green, and most Hogwarts students were lounging about, enjoying a break from classes. Some went to Hogsmede, some wandered the grounds, still others stayed in bed. It was a peaceful sort of day. On a day like this day, most agreed, any sort of disturbance should be punishable by law.

Lily Evans was very lucky that bill hadn't gotten through the Wizengamot yet. She was storming angrily through the grounds and into Hogwarts itself, and anything stupid enough to stay in her way was taught an immediate lesson. She stomped up staircases and down halls, headed for the Gryffindor common room to find a certain black haired chaser.

A group of girls giggling in the middle of a hall scattered, squealing indignantly as she threw various hexes and jinxes at them. Lily Evans was not thinking clearly.

As she neared the entrance to Gryffindor tower, the Fat Lady saw her coming.

"Pass…" The Fat Lady faltered as she saw the look on Lily's face and heard the angry ranting and curses streaming from her mouth. She opened immediately and let Lily pass, muttering, "Well, I'm sure the password was in there somewhere…"

Lily burst into the common room and glared around angrily, looking for James, who was, fortunately for him, not present. Remus and Peter were, however, and she stormed over to their seat in front of the fire and stood, glaring down at them and tapping her foot impatiently.

"Check," Remus said, moving his queen. He glanced up at Lily, then did a double take at her furious expression. "What happened?" he asked worriedly. "Did James do something?"

"No," she said through her teeth. "He didn't do anything at all. That's probably because he never _SHOWED_ IN THE _FIRST PLACE!_"

Remus and Peter gasped. "He didn't show up?" Remus asked, appalled. "How could he not show up? He's been looking forward to this for ages!"

Lily sniffed. "I only just said yes yesterday, you know."

"Yes, but he's been after you forever!"

"Since Easter of fourth year, I think." Peter added helpfully, switching Remus' pawn and knight while he was still preoccupied with Lily.

"Yes, thank you, Peter. He's been after you since Easter of fourth year!"

"Oh, you mean the Easter he dumped four bottles of butterbeer all over me and Matilda?" Lily asked uncharitably.

"Yes, well, he was nervous…" Remus said apologetically.

"Anyway, that's not the point." Lily said, trying to stay on topic. "The point is that he never did show up."

"Well that's just preposterous," Remus said, settling back into his chair and looking back at his pieces. "Hey, I thought I had you in check…" he murmured, examining the chess board closely.

Peter flushed slightly and said, "Lily, I'm sure James has a good reason for not being there. Don't you think so Remus?"

Remus looked up, distracted from the game again, and thought about it for a moment. A look of dread dawned on his face. "Oh, no. They didn't."

"They didn't what?" Lily asked, curious in spite of herself. Peter smiled smugly, having distracted Remus from figuring out his switch.

"Billywigs," Remus said softly.

"What?" Lily asked, eyes widening. "James and Sirius, you mean? They weren't. Were they?"

"They told me they'd stop," Remus said, frowning as he realized his friends had lied.

"He…he ditched me for billywigs?" Lily exploded. "_Billywigs_?"

"I…wait, what's wrong with Billywigs?" Peter asked, confused.

'_Poor naïve Peter,_' Remus thought to himself. "Peter, billywigs are addictive," he explained "Like those STDs we learned about in Muggle Studies."

Lily started in surprise. "ST...what?" she asked, choking back laughter at the oblivious wizards in front of her. "Are you sure you don't mean LSD?"

"No, no. I'm sure it was STD," Remus said, albeit a bit doubtfully.

"It could've been HIV," Peter piped up helpfully. Lily choked again.

"Or maybe it wasn't STD after all," Remus mused thoughtfully. "It could've been ATV…"

"No, isn't that some kind of motorcar?" Peter pondered. "Or was that SUV?"

"No, no, SUV isn't a drug, I think it's one of those diseases muggles get. Well, whatever it is, my point is that its like a drug. Billywig stings, I mean." he paused then, glancing at Lily questioningly, and asked, "Are you sure it's not STD?"

Lily had completely forgotten all about James by this point. She was too busy laughing at Peter and Remus, and hoping she had never sounded so naïve when talking about wizarding culture. "Oh, I'm sure," she managed weakly.

"Ah, well, we'll figure it out later," he said with a shrug. "Now, about James and Sirius. I think we need to Do Something about this problem they've got..."

"Well I say we just do what muggles do," Lily said matter-of-factly.

"What's that?" Remus inquired, a curious expression on his face.

"We'll have an intervention, of course!" she said, crossing her arms as though the matter was settled.

"Yes…an intervention. I'm sure they'll love that." Remus replied doubtfully.

Lily sniffed. "Well, its not a matter of whether or not they like it, is it? They're the ones doing drugs and standing up their dates. They don't get a choice in the matter."

Remus stared up at Lily. She seemed overly upset for someone who claimed they really didn't like James all that much.

"Alright, when shall we have it then?" Remus asked, deciding to play along.

Lily frowned thoughtfully.

"Well," she said. "Easter break is coming up, and the tower will be empty enough that we'll be able to do what we need to and make as much noise as we want without interruption.'

"Do what we need to?" Peter asked warily. "Lily, how much noise do you plan on making?"

"I'm willing to do whatever…necessary…to get them clean," Lily said with an unholy glint in her eye.

"You're…you're not going to bathe them, are you?" Peter asked, torn between horror and intrigue.

Lily started in surprise. "Why would I bathe them?" she asked, confused. "Peter, are you alright?"

"Well, you said - " Peter began, but Remus cut him off smoothly, saying,

"Never mind, both of you. So we'll have the intervention during break. Who should we invite to help?"

Lily paused. "I'm not sure," she said thoughtfully. "I think we need to research this more. I've never done an intervention, have you?"

Peter and Remus shook their heads. "Library, then?" Remus asked.

Lily nodded, and they stood as one and left the common room.

* * *

_James runs through the corridors, pursued by a enraged flock of ravens._

_"Nevermore!" they shriek furiously at him. "Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore!"_

_"Nevermore, what!" he calls frantically over his shoulder. This line of questioning just seems to incense the birds further._

_"NEVERMORE!" they scream, and the sound of their flapping wings becomes more intense, as though they're moving faster now, trying to capture him._

_He comes to a dead stop where the east corridor of the fifth floor used to be. In its place is a giant swamp. He panics, because now not only is he being attacked by angry ravens, but a rabid horde of bullfrogs is advancing on him, croaking menacingly._

_James backs up into a wall, knowing he is doomed. The ravens descend upon him now, and they peck him hard on the shoulders. It almost feels like they're poking him._

_Poke, poke poke._

_"No, stop it," James moaned._

_Poke, poke, poke._

_"Nevermore what?" he asked pathetically._

_"James, wake up."_

_"Noooooo…" James mutters, as one of the bullfrogs turns into Sirius and stabs himself with raven beaks. "Sirius, get away from them! They've got rabies!"_

_Sirus sprouts feathers all over his body, and turns to James. James can see his beak clicking as he says, "Oy, James, you need teh wake up."_

_He now sounds strangely like Hagrid, the gameskeeper. James feels confused, and so he asks Raven-Sirius, "Do all birdmen sound like Hagrid?"_

_Sirus the birdman makes a startled sound and says, "James, open your bloody eyes."_

* * *

James opened his eyes.

Sirius was not a birdman. He looked to have nearly as bad a headache as James did, but he was feather free. James took this as a positive and squeezed his eyes shut again as the bright light hit them.

"Gah…" he muttered, covering his eyes with one hand. He realized how uncomfortable he felt, and using his powers of deduction, and peeking tentatively through a gap in his fingers, found that this was because he was leaning against the side of Hagrid's hut, next to a large pail of water.

Which Sirius then proceeded to dump over his head.

"Gah!" James sputtered with a lot more feeling this time. He opened his eyes properly, shook his head like a dog, and looked around.

Hagrid was standing next to Sirius, watching them, pink umbrella in hand. He was also not a birdman.

"D'you two mind tellin' me why you bin sleepin' out here?" Hagrid asked.

James and Sirius glanced at one another, and looked back at Hagrid.

"Er…" said Sirius eloquently.

"Well," James began hesitantly. "You see, we were, ah…looking for Fang!"

"Fang?" Hagrid asked confusedly, gigantic brow furrowing.

"Yeah! We wanted to play with him for a bit, you know." Sirius said, nodding carefully, mindful of his still aching head.

"We love Fang, Hagrid!" James added enthusiastically. He glanced around and began calling for the dog. "Here boy! Here Fang!"

At his call, Fang came bounding out the open door to Hagrid's hut and pounced on James, licking his face furiously and slobbering drool everywhere.

"Well! I 'ad no idea you two like Fang s'much!" Hagrid said, cheered by the idea that someone else appreciated his new puppy. "You should drop by more often, then!"

"Oh, of course, Hagrid!" Sirius said, watching sympathetically as his comrade-in-arms was attacked by the giant puppy.

James winced as Fang yipped at him enthusiastically, trying to convince him to play fetch or some other such doggie-nonsense.

"Come on in and have a cuppa, then," Hagrid suggested, pulling James easily from Fang's clutches and hauling him and Sirius inside.

After they were seated at the overlarge table in equally oversized chairs and supplied with extra large cups of extremely strong tea, they sat down with the giant man and made small talk.

"So, James," Hagrid said, taking a swallow of his tea. "What's yer Quidditch team?"

"Oh, the Kestrels, no competition!" James said casually.

Sirius, who had been sipping daintily at his tea, now spit it out across the table. He calmly shook his head at James and, focusing his attention on Hagrid, who was wiping himself off with a huge, spotted hankie, said, "Our Jamsie isn't too bright, Hagrid. I've told him time and time again that Puddlemere United is the only real choice." Sirius shook his head again with a sigh. "But he will insist on supporting those heathens."

Hagrid shrugged and finished mopping up the tea Sirius had spit at him. "I dunno, Sirius. I bin talkin' to some o' the other students in yer year, and a fair few agree with James here."

Sirius stood angrily. "Who?" he demanded in an outraged voice. "I'll make them see the light! Those bloody Kestrels are no match for the power of Puddlemere!"

Hagrid, for all his bulk, had been caught off guard when Sirius began ranting, and glanced uneasily at James.

"Oh, he'll be fine," James said unconcernedly. "He gets like this from time to time. Spot of madness in the Black family, didn't you know? All that interbreeding."

Sirius broke off his rant momentarily to yell, "James, I heard that! And I'll have you know those Kestrels get up to a bit of interbreeding themselves!"

"Yea, Lily tol' me a bit about him," Hagrid said, shaking his head.

James froze. "Lily?" he squeaked.

"Yeh, she'll come down here time to time. She's a good lass," Hagrid said, only to be interrupted by James suddenly standing and diving across the table to grip Sirius by the front of his robes.

"Sirius!" he yelled in a panicky voice. "Sirius, what time is it?"

Sirius, who had as recently as five seconds ago, been reciting the latest Quidditch scores in a loud voice, looked very surprised to be suddenly accosted with demands for use of his time keeping skills.

"Er, I dunno…" he said, casting about for his watch. "Twelve-ish, I would imagine."

"Twelve-ish?" James repeated in a high-pitched voice. "_Twelve-ish?_"

"Ah, actually it's 12:57." Hagrid confirmed, now holding a watch the size of a mantelpiece clock in his hand and examining it. "Hang on. 12:58 now."

James' eyes widened in horror. "Sirius." he squeaked. "Do you know where I'm supposed to be right now?"

"Uh, no?" Sirius asked cautiously.

"Lily! We were supposed to meet at the Three Broomsticks at eleven! She's going to kill me!"

Sirius stared at him for a moment before saying, "Well. That sucks."

James couldn't respond for a moment. He appeared to have been struck speechless. "Is that all you have to say?" he finally asked in a shrill voice.

"That sucks…a lot?" Sirius tried again. When James' face started changing colors, he quickly added, "What do you want me to say? I have a hangover!"

James glared at him before dashing out the door and off across the grounds toward the castle yelling, _"Lily! I'm sorry!"_

Sirius sat awkwardly in his chair next to Hagrid for a moment, before clearing his throat uncomfortably and standing.

"Well, Hagrid, it was nice seeing you," he said, extending a hand. "Thank you for the tea…"

Hagrid shook his hand and said, "Come again any time yeh please. Jest one question."

Sirius raised his eyebrows quizzically.

"How much interbreedin' do those Potters get up to?"

* * *


	12. Almost the intervention

* * *

For the last week before Easter break, Lily avoided James and Sirius at all costs, and Remus and Peter treated them very coolly. Sirius didn't know what to make of it, not realizing that Remus had told Lily about the billywigs, and thought that if they were mad at James about standing Lily up then they could have at least welcomed _him_. He wasn't the one going around missing Very Important Dates, after all.

During classes, Remus sat exclusively with Peter, which annoyed James and Sirius and delighted Peter, as he was now always close enough to copy Remus' work. Every so often, Remus would turn to look at James or Sirius, and when he caught their eyes, he would just _stare _disapprovingly. Lily did the same thing, and while James tended to enjoy her constant eye on him, because at least she was _looking_, otherwise it was very unnerving, and caused both boys to start avoiding eye contact with anyone altogether.

When they weren't in class, James and Sirius hung out in Gryffindor Tower or stung themselves, all the while wondering where Remus and Peter had gotten to. Whenever they asked, Remus would do his _stare _again. Peter would start to say something, but after a nudge from Remus, would think better of it and keep his mouth shut.

Remus and Peter spent a lot of their time in the library with Lily, looking through book after book for help with their plans. Lily found several books on Billywigs and spent a lot of time copying from them. Remus looked for books on how to stage an intervention, but to no avail. The closest thing he found was a suggestion that perhaps he should use the Imperius Curse, and also a recipe for a Coercion Concoction. Lily advised him to stop looking in the Restricted Section after that.

Eventually, they gave up looking for a wizarding form of intervention, as apparently that sort of thing wasn't important enough to write a book on, and Lily owled her parents for help. She asked specifically for books about drug rehab and different '12 step' programs, although she didn't give any real reason why.

* * *

Lily, Remus and Peter sat around a small table in the library on the last Friday before break. Lily had just received a reply from her parents. They'd sent a large parcel of books and a note which she was now poring over.

_Lily,_

_We found as many books as we could, darling. Your father is rather concerned at your subject of choice, and is telling me to ask if there is anything you need to talk to us about. Are you alright? Petunia sends her love. She is very busy in school. It's her final year, after all. She's met this wonderful boy, Vernon Dursley. They've been dating for some time now. _

_Are you sure you won't be coming back for Easter break? How are your friends? Is Matilda doing well? _

_You father and I are in a hurry, so I'll wrap this up. We love you, darling, and just know that the whole family will always be there to support you if you need it._

_Love,_

_Mum_

Remus watched as Lily harrumphed and tossed the letter down on the table.

"Something wrong?" he asked curiously.

"Nothing," Lily said grumpily.

"What?" Peter asked, looking up from a copy of _Passionate Trousers_ he had hidden behind a large spell book.

"What did your parents say?" Remus pressed.

"They want to know if there's 'anything I need to talk to them about', and that they'll 'always be there for me'." Lily said sarcastically, pushing the letter toward him.

Remus raised an eyebrow and said, "They think…?"

"They think I've got some kind of drug problem or something!" Lily slouched down in her chair. "I try to help a fellow student, and this is what I get? Suspicion from my own family?"

"I'm sure they're just concerned," Remus said, trying to mask his amusement with concern and fidgeting.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Let's just do this. Now that we've got all the information, we can actually make a plan." She started flipping through the books, pausing every now and then and taking down notes. Peter went back to _Passionate Trousers. _Remus flipped idly through a random book before Lily snatched it away from him.

He peeked over at Peter and smirked, reading a few lines of his book.

"Rhiannon," Tristan_ said, taking her hand gently, "You know I can't live a day without you by my side. When you aren't with me, I'm nothing. Lower than a flobberworm. I love you!"_

"_Oh, Tristan,"Rhiannon said, eyes filling with tears. "I love you too!" _

Remus snorted and went back to watching Lily work. Growing bored of that, he began tapping his fingers rhythmically on the table. When Lily raised her eyebrows at him irritably, he blew his cheeks out and glanced up at the ceiling, then down the rows of books on either side of them.

"Remus," Lily finally asked, snapping her book shut and glaring at him. "Do you need something to do?"

"Oh, no, I'm fine." he said politely, smiling at her.

"Well, I've got something anyway," she said pointedly. He nodded with a small embarrassed smile and she passed one of the papers she'd been scribbling on across the table at him.

Looking down at it, he saw it was a list:

_We need people to attend the intervention who:_

_- Are close to James and Sirius_

_-__Will worry about them_

_- Care about them_

_- Can convincingly pretend to care about them_

_- Have had experience with Billywigs or similar_

_- People whose opinion can sway theirs_

Remus frowned and reread it a couple times. "Convincingly pretend to care about them?" he asked incredulously, looking up from the list to stare at Lily, who was blushing slightly.

"I thought it might be the best you could do…"

Remus shook his head, then shook Peter, who had fallen asleep. _Passionate Trousers _lay forgotten on the floor, along with the copy of _Weird Wizarding Dilemmas and their Solutions_ that had been masking it.

"Peter, wake up." He looked back at Lily, who was once again engrossed in her books. "When and where is this intervention taking place?"

Lily paused in her reading and looked up at him thoughtfully. "Gryffindor Common room, er…noon on Saturday."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes. The books say we need to do it as quickly as possible." Lily nodded solemnly. "They could overdose. Then possibly die."

* * *

The next day, at quarter to twelve, Lily, Remus and Peter had annexed the common room, setting up chairs in a semi-circle against one wall, and directing the people Remus and Peter had gathered to sit in said chairs.

"Couldn't you find some students? At least the person _I_ invited knows what's going on!" Lily whispered, sounding disgruntled after two overemotional house elves had burst into tears upon her directions to 'sit down, please.'

"James and Sirius hang out in the kitchens all the time." Peter said reasonably, using a quill to copy his lines onto his hands. "They know these elves pretty well. I'm sure they'll be helpful enough. And who did you invite? Matilda, d'you mean?" Lily shook her head 'no'distractedly.

"No, no dear, it's alright. I won't be needing a chair," Sir Nicholas De Mimsy-Porpington said courteously as Lily pulled up a winged armchair for him. She shrugged and offered it to James and Sirius' owls to perch on. Remus immediately hurried forward and draped James' cloak over it, just in time too.

"Can Tippy clean that sir?"

"Oh, no, Tippy." Remus said, wrinkling his nose at the white spot on James' once pristine cloak. "That's why I put it there. And Lily, we did invite a couple students." He pointed at the open portrait hole, where a third year, Galvin Gudgeon stood, looking around at the rather eccentric group he would apparently be meeting with today. Lily rushed over to him and ushered him into a chair far away from the owls, at his own request.

Matilda wandered in a few minutes later, looking shocked at the small party.

"Hi guys! What's going on?"

Lily looked up at the new arrival, then sighed in exasperation. "Matilda, I told you last night! The intervention, remember?"

"Oh, yeah! That was today?" Matilda frowned and bit her lip. "Well, I looked my lines over…did you want me to go get them, just in case?"

Lily nodded crossly and went back to persuading the elves to sit quietly and stop trying to help.

After the entire entourage had arrived, she stood and addressed them all nervously.

"The point of this is to convince them that they're hurting themselves and should stop, alright? We're supposed to _express unhappiness at their choice, and show them how they're hurting themselves and everyone around them by continuing with said choice,_" she said, sounding as though she'd recited it straight from the book.

Nearly Headless Nick frowned and asked, "And what choice is that?"

Lily stared at him for a moment, then turned on Remus and Peter. "Did you even tell everyone why they came?" she asked in disbelief.

Remus shrugged and said, "Hey, look at the house elves. We had enough trouble _finding _people to come, let alone convincing them to help those two sods. Not many students stayed over break this year."

Bertha Jorkins raised her hand and asked, "Which two sods, precisely?"

Lily sank down into her chair and lowered her head in defeat.

"James and Sirius, of course!" Matilda piped up, noting her friend's speechlessness. "Essentially, they're doing billywigs, it's bad for them, and we're going to yell at them till they agree to stop."

At this, Lily's head popped back up again, and she stood to face the group. "We aren't supposed to _yell_ at them, Matilda! We're just supposed to tell them how bad an idea it is and…what is that noise?"

* * *

James and Sirius were spending the time Lily was using to set up their intervention to do billywigs. They'd done the deed in the forest, then boldly wandered up to the castle and roamed the halls.

Floating away from the kitchens, arms filled with pastries and snacks, Sirius commented on the lack of their favorite house elves.

"Where'd Tippy go?" he slurred sadly. "She always gave me the best éclairs…"

"Bick wush gon 'oo," James commented around a mouthful of cake.

"That's weird."

"Yesh id ish."

They floated up a set of stairs, and while James automatically skipped a trick step, Sirius paused and called him back.

"James! Lookit this!" He stood, or rather, hovered directly above the trick stair, grinning madly. "Stupid stair. You can't get me! Ha ha ha!"

James watched in awe. "Wow, Sirius, that's amazing. Really, I mean it. Just, wow. Can I try?"

"Sure, Jamsie, c'mere and look."

James stood carefully next to Sirius on the stair, and when he too was not stuck, grinned and yelled, "Blimey! I beat Hogwar's! Your bloody stair can't keep me down! No sir!"

Sirius grinned and joined in berating Hogwarts.

"Yeah, Hogwarts, think yer so great, trying to keep us down! You can't do a thing, you can't!" He began chanting it over and over, and soon James joined in.

"You can't, you can't, you can't, you-hey!"

As they chanted, they had begun to sink, until James' toe was stuck fast in the stair.

"How long ago did we sting?" James asked fearfully, trying to pull his rapidly sinking toes back into the air, even as the rest of his body dropped slowly toward the floor.

"Er, an hour or two ago?" Sirius answered thoughtfully, having already shifted and landed on the step above James.

"Well, pull me out!" James said frantically, reaching for Sirius.

Sirius gripped his arm and pulled. It didn't do much.

"James, Hogwarts is mad at you! She's getting revenge for yelling at her!"

"What do I do?"

"Ah…apologise!"

"I'm sorry, Hogwarts!" James cried sadly. "I didn't mean it! I love you! Really, I do! I'm nothing without you! A flobberworm!"

Nothing happened. He continued to sink into the step, even now that he was half hanging off Sirius, who was holding onto the banister for dear life.

"I wasn't thinking! I was hopped upon Billywigs!" he hesitated. "Sirius, that's it! Give me a billywig!"

Sirius pulled their mossy jar out of his pocket and grabbed two, one for James, one for himself. He passed James a billywig, which James immediately stung himself with.

"Alright, now that I'm lighter, pull me out!" James demanded.

Sirius gripped his arm again and pulled. This time it was much easier to hoist James out of the stair. He came free with a small '_pop_', and both boys stumbled into the banister behind them.

Sirius stung himself and came floating up to sit with James on air, just above the stair. James was staring at it suspiciously, and drifted carefully away from it.

"Let's get outta here." he said, glancing over his shoulder at it.

"Okay. Hey, James?"

"Yeah?"

"You read Peter's copy of _Passionate Trousers_ too?"

* * *

A little later, James and Sirius floated back up to Gryffindor Tower, giggling at random intervals. They bobbed up and down in front of a disapproving Fat Lady for a few moments, trying to guess the password.

"Pear grass?"

"Per internim?"

"Wingarrrdium Leviooosaa?"

Lily stood inside the door, giving last minute instructions.

"-And just tell them what a bad idea it is and…what is that noise?"

She opened the door. James and Sirius were standing there, still trying to guess the password.

"No, no, James. It's _Wingaaarrdium Leviosaa._ Make the 'gar' nice and long."

"It's still not the password, boys." The Fat Lady sounded rather irritated.

"Oh for heaven's sake…" Lily shook her head and pulled them inside by their sleeves.

"Hey! It's Lily," James exclaimed, trying to mess up his hair and instead poking himself in the eye. "Ow…What brings you here?"

"This is the common room, James," she said coolly.

"Oh…Hey, listen, Lily, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about missin' our date last week."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, James, you're in luck. I thought that since the date went all pear-shaped, we could do something else."

James grinned and ran a hand through his hair (missing his eye this time). "Really?" he asked suggestively, sidling a little closer. Lily rolled her eyes for the three thousandth time that week and stepped slightly away from him.

"Yes. I thought we could go right…over…here." As she spoke, she took James by the arm and pulled him toward a large group of chairs near the windows. She pushed past the occupants of said seats and put him in one of two lone wooden chairs in the center of the circle.

"Hey, what about me?" Sirius asked forlornly from the doorway.

Lily sighed and walked back to lead Sirius to his spot next to James. "Yes, Sirius, you can come too."

"Alright! Guess you just gotta share, eh mate?" he asked James cheerfully, settling down a foot above the chair and making himself comfortable.

James glared at him, highly annoyed. Both had yet to notice the eccentric group surrounding them.

Lily changed that by clearing her throat and beginning an obviously prepared speech. "We are all here today because we all agree that James and Sirius need help."

There was some muttering from the group, Remus and Peter in particular, and James and Sirius looked around themselves with a start.

"Lily," James began, bewildered. "What's goin' on?"

"James, we're staging an intervention," Remus said quietly. James looked at him, bewildered.

"A what?" Sirius asked with an expression to match James'.

"An intervention." Lily interrupted. "You two are addicted to Billywigs, and we're doing something to help you break out of your bad habits."

* * *

Oh, and 'Passionate Trousers' is Cassandra Claire's.


	13. Intervention: Part One

* * *

James and Sirius finally took a good look around themselves. Remus and Peter sat directly in front of them, watching them with worry. Lily sat next to Remus, and Matilda next to Peter. Tibby and Bibb, their favorite house elves, sat on Matilda's other side, and next to them perched two owls that James recognized as his own and Sirius'. A small third year that James remembered from the day he'd gotten Lily to go out with him sat next to Lily, and next to him was a girl James thought might be a Hufflepuff, but he wasn't sure. Nearly Headless Nick and the Fat Friar floated just behind her chair, looking intrigued.

"James, Sirius, listen." Lily said cautiously. "Your friends are worried about you. Let them help you."

James furrowed his brow. "I don't see what's so bad about Billywigs. I mean, they just make us feel good. And we can fly." He maneuvered himself so he was sitting in midair, _next _to the chair, to prove his point. Sirius grinned and did the same.

"Ah yes," Nearly Headless Nick said wistfully. "I remember the good old days, don't you Friar? Back when floating was still novel…" The two ghosts stared dreamily into space, with faint smiles on their faces.

The Fat Friar was first to snap out. "It's not as fun, after a few hundred years, you know." he said conspiratorially. "Personally, I'd like to have my feet back on solid ground."

Nearly Headless Nick nodded in agreement. "But, if you boys enjoy floating so much, you could always become ghosts like us!"

James and Sirius glanced uneasily at each other, and shook their heads.

"I think I'd prefer moving on, personally." Sirius said hesitantly. "No offence or anything, but I mean-"

"No, no. I understand," Nick said softly. "Sometimes I wish _I_ had…"

Everyone was silent for a moment, contemplating his words.

"Well," Lily said, finally breaking the silence. "That wasn't exactly on the agenda, but okay…"

There was another moment of silence, then Lily cleared her throat pointedly and Remus jumped up from his chair, pulling a book out of his bag on the floor next to him.

"Er, James, Sirius," Remus said, clearing his throat. "You were saying before about how you don't see anything bad about billywigs?"

James nodded, and so did Sirius, after glancing at James to make sure they actually _had _said that.

Remus cleared his throat again. "Er, well, this book has some information on billywigs…have you ever actually looked them up?" The looks on James and Sirius' faces answered his question for him. "Well, here. Listen for a moment.

"_The Billywig is a small, vivid blue insect-like creature, native to Australia, that secretes a helium-based venom through it's stinger, causing the recipient of it's sting to float several feet above the ground for short periods of time. The Billywig sting also causes extreme giddiness, mood swings and, in some cases, paranoia. Regular stingings over a long period of time may cause impotency and hair loss, and when large amounts of Billywig venom has been ingested, the victim's head may begin to swell to disproportionate sizes, and they will begin to rise rapidly into the air and will not return to solid ground until the head is either deflated or pops. Dried stingers are useful in potions and are a key ingredient in Fizzing Whizbees, a popular sweet."_

Remus looked up at James and Sirius to see them staring at him with blank looks on their faces. Lily raised her eyebrow at them and said, "Well? Were you even listening, or do you want him to read it again?"

James frowned. "I heard him…but I don't believe him. Let me see that book."

Both James and Sirius had sunk down into their chairs by this point, and James reached out for the thick tome in Remus' hands. Remus handed it to him, and James skimmed the page rapidly, eyes widening. Sirius looked over his shoulder and frowned.

"So its true, then?" Sirius asked curiously. "Hair loss, hmm?"

"Yup," James said weakly.

"Impotency…like you can't-"

"I know what it means, Sirius," James said quickly.

"And swelling of the head…hmm. So if we do it too much, you'll get a big head…" Sirius considered this. "I don't think you need billywigs for that, mate."

"Sirius?" James said, glaring up at him. "Shut up for a second, will you?"

"You see, James?" Lily asked softly, standing behind him. "Billywigs do have negative effects."

"Well, not just that," Peter said, looking down at his hands. "You guys are out doing that, and we're up here, worrying about you."

Lily nodded approvingly at Peter and said, "See James? Sirius? You're hurting people. Your friends miss you. Stop doing billywigs and be with them."

James stared into space for a moment. When a moment became a full minute, Lily cleared her throat pointedly.

James jumped, looking guilty. "Sorry, yeah. Yes."

"Did you even hear what we just said?" she asked, exasperated. "You're hurting your friends by doing this, and you need to stop."

"How about you?" James asked curiously.

"Er, me?" Lily repeated, confused.

"Yeah," James said, turning around in his seat to look at her. "Am I hurting you?"

Lily hesitated, and glanced quickly at Matilda, Peter, and Remus, who were nodding frantically at her.

"Yes, James," she said carefully. "You're hurting me too."

James deliberated this, then said sadly, "I never meant to hurt you, Lily."

Lily looked nonplussed. "Um, okay, as long as you stop stinging, it'll be alright."

"That's why I missed our date…" James continued solemnly. Lily looked up at Remus, Peter and Matilda again. They were grinning at her. She scowled at them, then looked back at James, who was still twisted backwards on his chair in order to talk to her. "I…I promise I won't do billywigs anymore, Lily. Can you give me a second chance?"

"I - a second chance?" she asked. "I guess so."

James's face lit up. "Really? How about this weekend?"

Lily frowned. "This…what?"

"Our date," James said blithely. "We can go to Hogsmede. Maybe even Madam Puddifoots!"

"Oh! Um, right. _That's_ what I agreed to." Lily said faintly. "Okay, then."

"Hey, what about me?" Sirius pouted. "Aren't _I _hurting anyone? Don't _I_ get a date in exchange for quitting?"

Everyone looked at him blankly.

"Well," Bertha Jorkins winked. "I think that can be arranged."

"Hey, what is she doing here anyway?" James interrupted, having taken Lily's hand and refused to let go. Lily was standing awkwardly by his chair, looking mildly annoyed.

"Oh, well, we figured she could help." Peter said shiftily.

"Yeah, but who is she?" Sirius asked. "And now that we're on the subject, who's that kid?"

He pointed at Galvin, who flushed.

"I'm Galvin Gudgeon," he said timidly. "I play seeker." Here he looked pointedly at James. "I'm pretty good. I can play reserve, or even starter if you want. I tried out for the team, Mr. Potter. Do you remember?"

Lily frowned at him and said, "Galvin, you aren't here to suck up to the Quidditch players. You're here to help the Quidditch players get off drugs."

"Hey, I remember you!" James said abruptly. "Yeah! You were the kid who…" he trailed off awkwardly.

"Who what?" Galvin asked excitedly.

James grimaced, and whispered to Lily, "He was rubbish…don't tell him I said that though."

Lily's mouth twisted. It was not funny. It wasn't.

"Who _what?_" Galvin repeated insistently, sitting on the edge of his seat and watching James hopefully.

"Er…who tried out that one time…and you were in the corridor that one day…" James finished lamely. Galvin's expression drooped somewhat.

"Oh. Well at least you remembered me!" he perked up. James shifted uncomfortably in his chair, and Lily stared at the ceiling, which was less awkward.

Sirius interrupted, thankfully, his voice irritated. "Hey, you lot!" he said, standing and waving at the group. "Am I not important enough to be apart of this intervention at all? Isn't it technically all mine, now that Prongs has gone turncoat?"

They all looked at him, and Lily gave Matilda a meaningful glance and cleared her throat.

"What?" Matilda said, staring down at her hand in distraction. She looked up to see Lily, James, Remus, and most of the rest staring at her. "Oh! Yes, Sirius." She glanced down at her hand once more for good measure, and began her speech.

"Sirius," she began, "You really need to quit stinging. It's bad for you! It causes hair loss, and…oh wait, we already did that bit…" She looked at her other hand, then pulled up the sleeve of her robes and checked her arm. "Ah, here we go. You don't want to end up bald and childless, do you?" She looked up at him, eyes expectant. "Do you?"

"Well, no…" Sirius said slowly. "But - "

Matilda interrupted him. "And you need to understand that every time you do billywigs, you're hurting your friends and family."

Sirius scowled at this, and opened his mouth to say something, but Matilda forged onward, pushing her sleeve up past her elbow and twisting it in order to read the rest.

"You could die from it, Sirius, and if you died, we would all be very unhappy." She mouthed the words, '_look at him sadly_', then glanced up at Sirius sadly, putting a hand over her heart and repeating, "Very unhappy, Sirius."

Sirius looked at her doubtfully. "D'you mean it?" he asked.

She glanced down at her arm, then up at Lily. Lily nodded.

"Yes, Sirius." she said sincerely. "I mean it."

Sirius frowned.

"Well, Peter and I mean it too, Sirius," Remus added. "And we don't have to look at our notes to say that, do we Peter?"

Peter quickly hid his hands in his pockets and nodded furiously. "Exactly what Remus said, Sirius."

"There you go, Sirius." Lily said, giving Remus a grateful smile and rolling her eyes at Matilda. "Now will you quit?"

"Well…" Sirius considered it. "I just don't see how I'm actually hurting you. I just want billywigs."

"Sir wants billywigs?" A high voice interrupted them, and Tippy stood and looked at Sirius, eyes wide. Bibb jumped up excitedly. Apparently the house elves had been feeling useless up to now, and had found something they could help with.

"Bibb will get Sir billywigs right now!" Bibb said happily, and disappeared with a crack.

Tippy looked put out. "Tippy will get _more_ billywigs for Sir!" She disappeared as well.

Lily's mouth dropped open. "Have they been completely ignoring everything that's been going on up to now?" she asked in astonishment. "Do they not realize that the entire _point_ of this whole thing is to get these two to _stop_ with the bloody billywigs?"

Sirius seemed even more shocked than Lily. Turning to James, he muttered, "And to think, all this time, all we had to do was ask _them!_ We didn't have to go trekking round the forest at all!"

"You mean I fell in that ditch for nothing?" James demanded irritably.

Remus stood and tried to calm Lily, who was positively seething. "Lily, don't worry, we'll just explain when they come back, alright?"

She sighed and tipped her head back to stare at the ceiling. "I just don't understand why they're even _here_, if they aren't going to pay attention."

"They're house elves, Lily," Remus said in a pacifying sort of voice. "This just isn't what they _do. _They cook and clean and do laundry and such." he paused. "And besides, we didn't exactly tell them what was going on. We just told them to come to the common room and we'd tell them what to do from there."

Lily shook her head in exasperation. "You could have warned them."

Remus nodded, ashamed, and at that moment, both house elves popped back in, presenting Sirius with what looked like half a billywig colony in two large jars.

"Wow," Sirius said, eyes wide. James stared as well, inching away from Lily and toward the bugs.

"James," Lily said sternly. "What about our date?"

James looked back at her. He looked at the billywigs. He seemed to be having a difficult time deciding. He squirmed with indecision, and looked continually from Lily's encouraging face to the jar that Sirius was already trying to pry open.

"Augh, fine," he sighed, turning his back on the billywigs and walking over to stand next to Lily and Remus. "Happy?"

Lily grinned, as did the rest that were paying attention. "Very happy."

James flushed with pride and ran a hand through his hair. "Well, y'know, that's what I'm here for."

"Sirius," Remus said, pulling the jar out of his hands, "I can't let you have those."

"Aw, come on Remus!" Sirius whined. "Please?"

"No, Sirius," Matilda said firmly, coming up behind them and nabbing the other jar before Sirius could get his hands on it. "You've got to quit, alright?"

"You two," Remus said sternly, turning to the two house elves, who seemed to realize they'd done something wrong. "You two should not have gotten these for him. Aren't you supposed to be helping the students?"

"It is what Sir wanted, sir!" Tibby said anxiously.

"Yes, but it would have hurt him," Remus explained. "You shouldn't let your masters hurt themselves, should you?"

"No sir," Bibb said, ashamed. "Bibb is sorry, sir. Bibb and Tibby will get rid of the billywigs now, sir."

"Thank you Bibb." The house elves vanished with the jars. Remus sighed and looked back at Sirius, who was eyeing the spot where they'd vanished with no small amount of longing.

"Alright," Lily called. "Remus, Matilda, Peter, all of you come here."

They all, even James, crowded around her, leaving Sirius standing by his chair, still gazing at thin air.

"Okay, how are we supposed to get him to agree to stop?" Lily asked, looking around at them all. Galvin was standing next to James, staring at him steadfastly, and James was looking at her in much the same fashion. Lily blushed and looked at the rest of them. Bertha was whispering something to Matilda, who giggled and whispered back. The ghosts were still off watching Sirius watch air, looking highly entertained by the whole affair. Remus and Peter were the only ones watching her seriously.

Remus shrugged at her question. "I think Matilda was the last of our ideas…" He shot her a sharp look. "Fine job she did, too. We need a new angle."

"How about…" Lily said thoughtfully.

"What?" Peter asked.

"Well, remember I told you I had someone coming?" Lily asked, cautious. The two boys nodded expectantly, and she continued. "I think he could be a lot of help, if we play it right."

"Who is he, though?" Remus asked.

"Just…someone I invited…" Lily said evasively. "I figured he'd at least be another body in the circle, you know? And he said he'd be late, so we should be expecting him any time now…"

At that precise moment, a derisive voice echoed from just outside the portrait hole, saying, "I knew you lot were trusting, but leaving your entrance wide open for anyone to just waltz in? That's dense, even for Gryffindors."

* * *


	14. Intervention: Part Two

* * *

Sirius looked on in shock as his little brother proceeded to waltz into the common room, grinning like an idiot.

"Regulus?" he asked incredulously. "What are you doing here?"

Remus, Peter and James stared accusingly at Lily, who shrugged.

"I didn't invite him," she said blankly.

"_Liar!_" Peter cried, astounded. "You _just_ said you did!"

"He's right, Lily, you know you did." Remus added reasonably.

"But I really didn't!" Lily replied defensively. "I invited - "

"She invited me," Severus Snape said, gliding smoothly into the room behind his fellow Slytherin. "And I brought Regulus along because I am not dimwitted enough to venture into the lion's den alone."

"And..." Regulus added leadingly.

Snape glared at him and continued. "And because if Evans wants to have even the slightest chance of this working, Black needs family present."

Regulus rolled his eyes, and Lily smiled at Snape and said, "Thank you, Severus. That was a really good idea."

Matilda muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'Sevvie,' and burst into a fit of giggles along with Bertha Jorkins. James glared at them both, and at Lily as he said,

"Why did you invite Snivellus?"

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. "Because I thought he'd be able to help," she answered, her cheeks only a little bit pink.

Sirius stood up and marched over to James and Lily.

"What is going on?" he hissed, glaring over at Snape and Regulus. "What is Snivellus doing here?"

"Didn't I just tell James? Why weren't you listening then?" Lily asked irritably.

"I went deaf with _rage_ when he walked in." Sirius was still glaring darkly at Snape, who had noticed and returned the favor tenfold.

Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes and call him a drama queen, but only barely. Instead she opted to say, "James, Sirius, pipe down and let them try to help you. Regulus is your brother, Sirius!"

"I've got no problem with _him_, Lily," Sirius said pointedly, as James nodded emphatically next to him.

"Aw, come on you two!" Matilda had just bounded up next to them and cocked her head to look at the two boys reproachfully. "Just let him stay! Can't you see Lily has a _plan_?" She smiled knowingly at Lily, who just looked back at her, eyebrow up again.

Sirius thought for a moment, eyeing Matilda calculatingly.

"She better have one hell of a plan, then," he said, and with that he turned around and flopped back down in his seat.

James watched his retreating friend with something akin to betrayal on his face, then looked at Lily and asked, "Have you got a plan, then?"

Lily too in the wary yet hopeful expression on his face, smiled, and said, "Of course I do, James. It'll be fine, I promise. We'll be in Hogsmede before you know it."

James perked up at the reminder that it was _he _who was going to Hogsmede with Lily later, not some slimy _git_, and gave in willingly.

Once everyone was resettled and chairs had been found for the Slytherins, Lily clapped her hands and looked at Sirius.

"Sirius," she said, eyes darting to Severus and Regulus, "If you wouldn't mind very much, could you update these two as to why you don't want to quit?"

Sirius frowned and nodded. "Well Reggie," he said, pointedly excluding Snape. "They claim I'm hurting them. I don't see how that could be true. I still hang out with them, and the Billywigs don't make me want to hex them or put bear traps in their beds, so..." he shrugged, as if to convey his own confusion at the abnormality of his friends. "And they also say I'm hurting myself, but if I want to, why can't I? It's my body and if I don't mind being bald or impotent, why should they?"

Regulus stared at him, mouth hanging open slightly. "Billywigs can make you...bald?" he whispered, reaching a tentative hand up to run his fingers through his own glossy hair. "And...does..._impotent_ mean what I think it means?"

"Impotent," Sirius said carelessly. "You know, like when Great Uncle Lyccris was mauled by a Bowtruckle and it got his - "

"Yes, alright, thank you Sirius!" Regulus said in a high pitched voice, wincing slightly. Sirius frowned at him.

"What's your problem?" he asked curiously. "Afraid some of my billywig germs will rub off on you?"

Regulus flushed and stuttered slightly. "O-of course not, Sirius! I'm just really worried about...you."

"Please, Regulus," Snape said idly. He gave Sirius a condescending look and stated, "He's concerned because he, like much of the rest of the Slytherin house, have been stinging for quite some time now, completely indifferent to the consequences."

Sirius blanched. "Slytherins are stinging too?" he asked unhappily. "Where did you lot find out about them, Reggie?"

Regulus shrugged and adopted a superior look. "Oh, you know, here and there."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him, and he flushed slightly and added, "That hippie bloke Bella used to talk to. He told me about them."

Sirius' jaw dropped. "That's who told me!" The two brothers grinned at each other for a few moments, until Sirius realized something and scrunched his face up distastefully.

"You mean I've been doing something like the Slytherins?" He looked faintly disgusted at the notion.

Snape smiled nastily. "I guess you might just be one of us after all, eh Black?"

Sirius' face was now the picture of revulsion. "No! Sorry, Snivellus, but I'll never be one of you slimy Slytherins!"

And with that he turned his back on them, leaving Snape grimly satisfied and Regulus slightly upset.

"Lily," he said contritely. "I want to quit. I don't want to do Billywigs anymore. I'll do whatever I have to. Can you help me?"

Lily smiled at him. "Of course, Sirius." She nodded happily at Snape. "We'll do everything we can."

* * *

"I can't believe you're going to go!"

"Matilda, it's just one date."

Matilda threw herself down on Lily's bed. "To you it might be just one date, but to Hogwarts, it's a death sentence, Lily!"

Lily rolled her eyes as she fixed her earrings in the mirror. "Matilda, I promise, if I notice walls crumbling around me, I'll break it off and come back, alright?"

"Lily, please!" Matilda said anxiously. "It's not worth it!"

Lily turned on Matilda, eyes flashing, and said, "Please, Matilda. Stop with all this rubbish and act like an adult. You can't honestly believe that my dating James will actually _hurt_ the school. And think about it; if I don't do this, James may go back to Billywigs, which we _don't _want. If he does, Sirius will too! And look where we'll be then!"

Matilda blinked and thought about it for a second. "Where we were before? Only aware of it?"

Lily sighed. "I'm going, Matilda, and that's that," she said tersely. "And you're not to follow me, understand? I swear, if I even see you walking by, I will suspect the worst and won't be responsible for my actions."

Matilda's eyes widened. No one in Gryffindor wanted to be on the wrong end of Lily's wand. Especially not after Easter of fourth year, when she'd hexed James to bits after the butterbeer incident.

"Okay, Lily, I'll leave you alone." she said warily. "But honestly, I'm worried about this."

Lily frowned. "It'll be fine, Matilda. I promise."

Matilda nodded reluctantly, yawning a bit. "Alright. Well, all that intervention-ing really wore me out. I'm going to take a nap. Is that alright, Lily?" she finished ironically, raising her eyebrows at her friend.

Lily grinned abashedly as she grabbed her bag and headed out of the room. "Yes, I suppose so."

Matilda shook her head with a grin of her own and laid back on her bed, curling up in a ball and falling asleep.

* * *

"Sirius, I need you to tell me again."

Sirius grinned. "Lily Evans and you are going to be in Hogsmede together in about a half an hour." He checked his watch. "If you're ready by then, I mean. You priss," he added nonchalantly.

James was standing in front of the mirror in their bathroom, combing his hair for the fifteenth time. Sirius was standing behind him, messing it up occasionally and earning himself venomous glares.

"Stop that," James said distractedly, giving up on his hair and now fussing with his robes. "I can't believe she agreed!"

"Neither can I," Sirius said gravely. "The girl could do _so_ much better."

James glared at him. "I mostly meant because of the Theory, Sirius."

Sirius grinned unrepentantly. "Oh, yeah, and that too."

"I mean," he continued nervously, "What happens if the walls start crumbling or something?"

"It's alright James," Sirius said. "I've got the letter in my room. I'll post it to that Weasley, and he'll meet up with us, and in no time at all, you and Lily'll be acting all disgusting and sappy, and no one has to die."

He said it so matter-of-factly that, for a moment, James felt that everything would be alright.

Then Sirius continued. "So all you have to do is _not _make a complete arse of yourself in front of her, and you'll be fine!"

James moaned and snatched up the brush again, pulling it desperately through his hair.

"Thank you, Sirius," he said unhappily. "You always know just what to say."

* * *

Twenty minutes later found James flying through the room in a panic. "Sirius! You sodding arse! You hid my glasses, didn't you!"

"James, I -"

"No, Sirius! This is too important for your little games, d'you understand me?" James glared angrily at Sirius as he pulled the bedclothes off of his bed and lifted the mattress. "This is not the time, Sirius! Where did you put them?"

Sirius watched him in amusement. His hair had gone askew, there were patches of bright red on his cheeks, and his glasses kept slipping down his face as he looked for them.

"James, where was the last place you saw them?" he asked, carefully hiding his grin behind his fist.

"Well, I was wearing them. I -" James froze in the act of pulling Sirius' mattress off of his bed and lifted a hand up to feel at his face. "Oh."

"Oh." Sirius repeated, now grinning openly at James. "Oh?"

"Oh..." James said meekly, setting Sirius' pillow back on his stripped bed and stuffing a handful of feathers back inside. "Sorry. Just let me -"

"Just go, James," Sirius said fondly. "I'll fix it."

"Are you sure? I should stay here and help..."

"Lily is waiting."

James perked up. "Sorry Sirius! Bye!" He dashed out of the room, pausing only momentarily to fix his hair before leaving Sirius alone in the middle of what looked more like a war zone than a bedroom.

Sirius considered the mess for a moment before shaking his head and wading through the bedclothes to his trunk, where he extracted a letter addressed to one Bilius Weasley. He met Remus on the stairs on his way to post it.

"You may not want to go in there," he said, jerking his head at their dormitory.

"Why?" Remus asked suspiciously. "What did you two do?"

"Nothing worse than usual," Sirius said, eyeing him. "What's your problem?"

"Nothing," Remus sighed. "Only I've just spent the last hour or so convincing Snape and Regulus to leave."

Sirius snorted. "That's shocking. You'd think Snivellus would want to get out of here as soon as possible. Someone might accidentally hit him with a cleaning charm."

Remus shook his head bemusedly. "He was all for leaving, actually. It was Regulus. He wanted to wait for you to come back down, even though I told him you'd be up there with James until he was ready to leave. He kept saying he'd wait. Then James came down, and Snape said something to him about Lily, and they started fighting. We had to force them apart." Remus grinned slightly. "James was really lucky Lily missed that bit. She came down about a minute after we kicked the Slytherins out."

Sirius grinned. "How did I miss that? Say," he added, pulling Remus with him down the stairs, "Come with me to post this."

"You just don't want me seeing what you and James did to the room." Remus said, allowing himself to be led through the common room and out into the corridor.

"Why would I care?" Sirius asked casually. "It's not like he set fire to your bed."

"This time."

* * *


	15. A date and a dream

**

* * *

**

James walked with Lily across the grounds toward Hogsmede. As he went, he couldn't help but glance nervously back at Hogwarts, in case it _was_ crumbling to the ground. If they were the cause for the destruction and untimely death of Hogwarts and everyone inside, James wasn't sure he could forgive himself. He looked at Lily again and had a fierce internal debate as to which was more important, having her or Hogwarts. It was difficult to say.

"So," Lily asked him, snapping his attention back to the present. "Where should we go?"

"Er...wherever you want." James said. "How about Madam Puddifoots?"

Lily looked at him with a slightly incredulous expression on her face. He quickly made another suggestion. "Three Broomsticks?"

She shook her head, then nodded. "The Three Broomsticks'll be fine."

They headed for the pub, James now worrying about Sirius and Remus and Peter. They were more likely than not _at _Hogwarts right now, and if they were hurt because of this, he'd never forgive himself. He did brighten momentarily at the idea that Snivellus was at Hogwarts too. He didn't think he'd mind nearly as much if something happened to that prat...

* * *

_Matilda woke to a loud rumbling below her feet. She crawled out of bed, confused, and glanced out the window at the vast lawns of Hogwarts in the late afternoon sun. She yawned. The rumbling grew louder and more intense. She frowned, a sudden suspicion latching onto her mind and sinking its teeth in. Lily and James were at Hogsmede right now._

_Suddenly feeling quite alarmed, Matilda dashed down the staircase, only to come face to face with a large, gaping hole where the Gryffindor common room should be. _

_"No!" she gasped, hanging onto the banister for dear life. Fortunately, at that moment, Sirius' owl flew past. Matilda reached out and grabbed hold of his talons and he carried her down to the ground safely. _

_Matilda set off at a run, heading for Hogsmede, telling herself repeatedly not to look back. Unfortunately, Matilda had never been the type to listen to that sensible little voice inside her head. It sounded far too much like her mother._

_She stopped at the school gates and turned around slowly. The castle was nearly destroyed. Towers were crumbling, and large chunks of wall had embedded themselves in the once smooth lawns, sticking up out of the ground awkwardly. There wasn't a window in the school that was not completely shattered. Random bursts of magic blew holes in the walls, and it looked as though the eastern dungeons had caved in, as the castle was sinking into the ground at a strange angle. _

_Creatures were emerging from the Forbidden Forest, centaurs and werewolves and all manner of terrifying creature. Matilda could hear screaming now, faint screaming filled with terror and anguish._

_She took all this in, eyes wide, then turned and fled to Hogsmede, only one thought on her mind: Get to Lily and James._

_She saw them through a window at Madame Puddifoot's, staring lovingly into each other's eyes. Hogsmede had not survived the destruction either. Buildings were on fire, collapsing around her. Children were sobbing. People ran past, screaming and fighting and looting. Matilda pulled the door open, only to have it fall off its hinges in her grasp._ _She dropped it and ran to their table where they sat, hands laced together and completely oblivious to the madness around them._

_"Lily," James was saying as she approached. "I love you more than anything in the world. I would levitate mountains for you!"_

_"Oh, James!" Lily cried, eyes sparkling. "I love you as well! I would decapitate every chicken, skin every kneazle that ever existed if it meant I could be with you!"_

_"Lily!"_

_"James!"_

_"Lily!"_

_"James!"_

_"LILY!" Matilda interrupted. She nearly quailed under their furious glares, but managed to summon up all the Gryffindor courage she possessed, and continued. "Lily, don't you realize what you're doing?" she asked desperately._

_"Of course I do," Lily cooed, fixing her adoring eyes on James. "I'm having tea with my Jamsie."_

_James smiled sappily and blew a kiss at her. A wizard ran past the window, screaming and quite obviously on fire. Lily caught the kiss and pressed it to her lips, eyes never leaving James._

_"Oh, for the love of..." Matilda really really wanted to slap one or both of them right now. This was not the secure world that Matilda lived and thrived in. It wasn't right, and it wasn't Lily._

_"Lily," she said, catching her friends' reluctant attention once more. "Look out the window. Do you see that?"_

_Lily looked. The man who'd been on fire was now rolling around on the ground, while several other people beat him with sticks and bags, apparently in an attempt to put him out. "Oh, it's sunset!" Lily squealed. "James, darling, let's go watch the sun set!"_

_"As you wish, love." They stood and James slid his arm around Lily's shoulders. She sighed happily and leaned into his arms. As they left the shop, a chunk of ceiling collapsed on the table they'd been sitting at. Matilda followed them hastily. _

_"But Lily," she continued, catching up to the now slightly irritated couple, "Lily, look around you! Hogsmede is falling apart! And Hogwarts is ten _million_ times worse! It's the TSHSD! Surely now you have to believe in it!"_

_Lily scoffed. "I'm sure Filch just fell behind on repairs or something. He'll catch up soon."_

_"Yeah," James said, glaring at Matilda. "It's Filch. Or You-Know-Who or something."_

_Matilda gaped at him._

_"Now, Lily, love of my life, lets go watch that sunset." James glared at Matilda over Lily's shoulder as Lily nodded and hugged him._

_"Oh Merlin..." Matilda muttered to herself, watching them wander off in bliss. "This had better be a dream..."

* * *

_

Matilda woke with a gasp. She sat up, trying to calm her breathing enough to listen for any suspicious noises. She didn't hear any rumbling, but that meant nothing. She quickly fixed her hair and smoothed her robes. Her afternoon nap had been meant to discourage her from worrying about Lily and her 'date', but all it had done was freak her out with strange dreams.

She debated the pros and cons of going to Hogsmede, and when common sense won out and told her it'd be best to stay and wait for them to come back, she pulled on her cloak and left the common room. Common sense sounded too much her mother.

On her way out of the school and down to Hogsmede, Matilda kept a sharp eye out for any signs of devastation or anarchy. She nearly had a panic attack when she found a suit of armor destroyed in the middle of a hall, before she realized it had just been Peeves causing trouble.

In Hogsmede, she kept a sharp eye out for Lily and James (and impending doom). Which was why she nearly screamed when someone managed to sneak up behind her and cover her eyes.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asked, letting her go so she could face him. "I thought Lily would've threatened you with torture if you tried to come. I know James threatened me, anyway."

Matilda could only glare at him.

"Well, he didn't threaten so much as beg," Sirius amended with a grin.

Matilda finally found her voice. "You scared me!" she managed. "I thought you were a looter or a big, ugly, evil...creature from the Forest or...something..." She trailed off, because Sirius was now giving her a highly incredulous look.

"What looters? Why would there be looters?" he asked, baffled. "And why would a 'big, ugly evil creature' suddenly appear out of the blue and attack you?" He paused for a moment, allowing a pout to spread across his features, then added, "And I thought I at least rated a big, terrifying, yet strangely seductive evil creature."

Matilda frowned at him again. "It's not like I knew it was you," she said matter-of-factly. "And I assure you, if I had, you would have rated a big, terrifying yet strangely seductive and well-groomed, _fearsome_ evil creature. All right?"

Sirius appeared pacified for a moment, then brightened and added, "How about a-"

"Sirius!" Matilda interrupted. "Do I have to be the sensible one here? Because that's not a very encouraging thought!"

"Fine," he pouted. "Just one more question."

Matilda looked at him expectantly.

"D'you think I could pass as a Dark Veela?" he asked, tossing his head and giving her his most disarming smile. "Because I remember my auntie telling me about rumors of Veela blood in our family and I thought-"

Matilda eyed him for a moment, then snapped out of it and howled, "Sirius! You're distracting me from the big picture! I had a prophetic dream about Lily and James!"

"You had a what?" Sirius asked curiously. He didn't know much about prophetic dreams, having been kicked out of Divination in third year along with James, after they'd both arranged their tea leaves to say 'DIE!' in big block letters, and caused the professor to collapse in hysterics in the middle of class.

Matilda explained to him all about the dream she'd had, getting steadily more and more worked up. As she talked, they walked, searching for the wayward couple.

"And then James called her 'pookie' and I knew there was something seriously wrong and-" They passed Madame Puddifoots, and Matilda stopped dead. "No," she whispered, staring in the window. Sirius looked over her shoulder to see Lily and James sitting across from each other in the window booth, both looking self-conscious and talking a bit. "It's just like the dream!" Matilda cried, running to the door before Sirius could stop her and wrenching it open so hard that the handle came off in her hand. Her eyes went wide and she screamed, staring down at it in utter horror. Then she ran inside.

* * *

Lily sat across from James in Madame Puddifoots. He'd finally managed to convince her to go in because, well...he'd given her a wounded look when she told him she really didn't want to go in there, and as he looked at her with big, sad, puppy dog eyes, she started to wonder what harm could possibly come of going into a teashop. She was pretty sure that she'd never heard of anything in Defense class about the dangers of teashops.

They'd ordered coffees and sat down in the window booth, as nearly every other table was occupied with snogging couples, and made awkward conversation at first. After a bit, Lily relaxed, until she saw something flash past the window out of the corner of her eye. She glanced up, and James took the opportunity to grab her hand. She looked back at him, startled, and then the door flew open and someone screamed.

Lily stared in shock as Matilda burst in, and, still holding the door handle, barged over to their table.

"Lily, don't do it, please!" she cried frantically. "I Saw! I Saw the school and Hogsmede! All of it, gone! Everyone will die! TSHSD, Lily!"

"Oh, Merlin, it's happened already?" James cried, voice hysterical, eyes wide with shock and horror. In the doorway, Sirius was making frantic gestures at him to _shut up_, but he didn't see. "I thought we'd have a bit longer than this! What have I done!"

"I thought you agreed with me!" Lily exclaimed angrily, causing James to flinch and avoid meeting her eye guiltily. "Utter rubbish, isn't that what you said, James? I don't believe this! And you!" she added, rounding on Matilda who cowered slightly in the face of Lily's wrath, "You are coming with me right now!"

And on that less than cheerful note, she grabbed Matilda by the arm and marched her out of the shop, breaking off the date and leaving James staring forlornly after her.

"I tried to warn you, mate," Sirius said, appearing at his shoulder with a shrug. James frowned.

"Let's get out of here. Its too crowded."

One of the girls that had been sitting near them in the crowded shop snagged his sleeve as he passed. "Is it true?" she asked, staring up at him fearfully. "The TSHSD? Is Hogwarts...gone?"

James looked around for the first time, and realized the pandemonium Matilda's statement had caused. Everyone had been talking in loud, panicked voices, rushing around frantically and generally making themselves useless. They all stopped, though, when they heard the question, and waited anxiously for his response.

"I have no idea," he said finally, in a tone that foretold imminent doom. "I was in here with all of you. I guess all we can do...is hope."

The crowd murmured ominously, until Sirius let out a huff of frustration and said, "Look. Mattie had a dream, alright? She just...overreacted a little. I was just at Hogwarts not twenty minutes ago, and it's just fine. Maybe a little dusty, and the Gryffindor common room could use a new coat of paint," he looked around at their reactions, which were becoming grim again - dust preceded disaster, that was a lesson Filch had ingrained in their minds well - and rushed to finish his speech. "But otherwise, it's fine!"

The crowd calmed minimally, allowing James and Sirius to escape to the fresh air outside. "Now what do I do?" he asked pathetically.

"Now you avoid the angry redhead until we come up with a plan," Sirius said, steering him away from the shouting they could hear echoing down the street. James sighed and followed Sirius away from the shop, head hung low.

* * *

"Matilda," Lily yelled furiously, whipping around to glare at her friend, "Just WHAT did you think you were doing in there?"

They were halfway across Hogsmede now, and Lily had lost what little restraint she had, stopping in the middle of the street in order to berate Matilda.

"What part of STAY IN THE DORM do you not understand, Mattie?" Lily advanced on Matilda, jabbing her finger at the other girl to punctuate her words. "What part of DO _NOT_ COME TO HOGSMEDE do you not UNDERSTAND? And I get that I technically can't force you to stay at the school, but you had NO RIGHT," Here she pulled out her wand, face furious, "AT ALL to come in there SCREAMING and breaking things," she pointed at the door handle which Matilda still had, and was currently using as a bit of a shield. "And then just start TERRIFYING the other students and RUINING my date without so much as a BY YOUR LEAVE! I HOPE YOU CAN EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" This last bit was punctuated by angry red sparks shooting out of Lily's wand, to match the sparks flying from her eyes. Matilda gave up all pretense and took several steps backward.

"Er..." Matilda began warily.

"Be QUIET!" Lily interrupted. "I'm not done YELLING at you yet!"

"But you-"

"No! I was in there, having a good time, James was actually being DECENT for once, and then you have to come in and ruin it! All because of some stupid THEORY that isn't even TRUE!"

"Lily, I-"

"No-"

"LISTEN to me, Lily!" Matilda finally yelled, effectively stunning Lily into silence. "I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to mess up your date, but you need to understand! Just because you don't believe in it doesn't mean it's not possible! Things like the TSHSD are common in the wizarding world! You're a muggleborn, so you haven't grown up hearing stories about these kinds of things, but it's very likely that the Theory is true! Someone could have placed a curse on the school, like the curse on the Defense job! Do you understand? I'm really worried!"

Lily stood quietly for a moment, her anger draining away as realization started to sink in. She _had_ heard of a curse on the Defense position, and she hadn't even connected the two ideas in her mind. Matilda had a _point. _When it was put that way, Lily could almost believe that the Theory was true. Which meant...

"Oh, God, Matilda!" she finally gasped. "All this time, I've thought it was nonsense, and if it's all true then I've been...been..."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you, Lily," Matilda said gently, putting an arm around her shoulder.

"I've been courting death by being nice to James!" Lily whispered, feeling a bit panicked. "Matilda, if I'd agreed to really date him, we might have all _died_..."

"I know, Lily," Matilda said somberly.

"And he...he knew!" Lily realized suddenly. "He _knew_ and he still didn't say anything, even _asked me out_, when he _knew_ we could all die!"

"Yes, he's an idiot," Matilda agreed, leading Lily back toward Hogwarts.

"He..." Lily paused on the edge of a tirade when a thought suddenly struck her. "He must _really_ like me..."

Matilda stopped dead, seeing the look on Lily's face.

"No, Lily. Please don't go in that direction," Matilda said pleadingly, to no avail. Lily was starting to smile a bit, which, quite frankly, terrified Matilda in this situation.

"He was willing to risk death and Hogwarts being _destroyed_, just so he could spend a bit of time with _me_." Lily continued, ignoring the increasingly frantic squeaking sounds Matilda was making. "I can't help but feel flattered..." she said thoughtfully. "If only..."

"No! Lily, please!" Matilda said. "James the prat, remember? James the terrible, bullying toerag! _Lillllieeeee!_" she whined cajolingly waving her hand in front of Lily's face, "He's a toerag, remember? You used to love calling him that! Remember that time he spilled butterbeer all over us? What a loser, eh? ...eh?"

"Remember what Remus said?" Lily asked fondly, setting off for Hogwarts again, "He said it was because James was so nervous...that he'd liked me even then, Matilda. That's..." she paused, trying to think of a good word.

"Pathetic?" Matilda suggested hopefully, "Clingy? Annoying?"

"Adorable," Lily finished with a smile.

"Ohgodohgodohgod," Matilda muttered, trailing behind Lily as she crossed the grounds to the castle. "But you can't do anything about it, Lily! The Theory, remember?"

Lily frowned. "That is a problem. I'm sure we can find a way around it, though..."

Matilda stuck her tongue out at Lily's back as they walked up the castle steps. This hadn't happened in her dream...

* * *


	16. Sirius' Second Worst Idea

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: Alot of the dialouge in this chapter was taken straight from the book, I'll admit it. But it's not like I actually claim to have written it! None of you would believe me anyway..._

_Summary: James bombs it big time...Lily is pissed, Snape ruins his chances, and Sirius just wants to curl up in a ball and hide._

* * *

"It's here! It's here!"

Remus looked up from his cards at Sirius as he bounded down from their dormitory and bounced onto the couch next to him like an overeager puppy.

"What's here?" Peter asked, laying down two cards. They were taking a break from studying and Remus was teaching Peter how to play Crazy Eights, hoping that he'd have the advantage of previous experience and therefore a chance at winning. Peter always beat him at every game they played. He had no idea why. He'd be doing well one minute, and the next, _Bam! _Peter would make an amazing move that had him scratching his head in frustration and admitting defeat.

"The letter from Bilius Weasley, of course," James said, having followed Sirius downstairs and plopped down on the couch as well. Remus was starting to feel quite crowded. "He wants to meet us in Hogsmede next time we go."

"Alright then." Remus laid another spade down on the pile and paused as he was struck by a sudden thought. "James," he said, setting his cards down. "Was that you that hung Galvin Gudgeon up by his ankle above the lake yesterday?"

James fought back a grin. "Who, me? Never!"

Remus sighed. "James, seriously. Did you? He fell right in when they did the counter curse. Ruined his books. Was it you?"

James looked at him innocently. "Maybe."

Sirius laughed a bit, and Remus glared at him. "James, what do you think Lily would think about your doing that?"

"Lily doesn't care," James said immediately. Even Peter scoffed. "No, really, she doesn't!" he said with an insistent look. "She saw me doing something like that last week, and she didn't say anything! And she still talks to me all the time, so she obviously doesn't mind!"

The three boys just stared at him incredulously. "James, are we talking about the same Lily?" Sirius asked in disbelief.

"Of course we are. This one right here, in fact," James said, jumping up from his seat as Lily approached.

Sirius looked up from his seat to find Lily watching them with a haphazard sort of grimace and an armful of books. "Oh, hi Lily," Sirius said.

"If I weren't in such a hurry, I'd ask why you're talking about me," she said matter-of-factly. "But as it is, I just came over here to ask if I can borrow James' Transfiguration notes. James?" she surveyed him with a hopeful expression on her face. James gave her a huge grin and nodded.

"Of course you can, Lily," he said in a deep voice, rumpling his hair slightly. "I don't really need them just now, so feel free to keep them as long as you need to."

"Oh, but you need to study too, don't you?" Lily asked, looking distracted and shifting the large pile of books she was holding. "I'll have them back to you by tonight."

"No, really," James said obligingly, looking around for the notes. "You can use them. I couldn't possibly study any more than I already have." He shot her a charming smile and looked under the couch. "Remus, where are my notes?"

Remus shook his head and pulled James' bag out from under the cushions of the chair Sirius was now sitting in. James grinned at him and extracted the slightly crumpled notes, presenting them to Lily with a flourish.

"Here you are, madam," he said with a cordial bow. She took them from him and examined them, raising her eyebrow at the obviously neglected air of James' school supplies.

"James," she asked skeptically. "Are you sure you've studied?"

"Oh, well you know," he said apprehensively. "As much as humanely possible..."

Sirius snorted at him from his chair. Lily shook her head and said, "James, you need to study. Just come to the library with me and Matilda. I was just heading there."

"Study with you?" James asked, becoming immediately interested. "Yeah, that'd be great! I'll just...er...grab my stuff."

And without a second thought, he snatched his bag off the floor and trotted out of the door on Lily's heels.

Remus shook his head and went back to his cards. Sirius waited until the portrait hole closed before going back to their conversation. "So which of us should go to meet Weasley?"

* * *

James followed Lily down to the library, struggling under the weight of Lily's large pile of books along with his own bag. He'd felt it was only gentlemanly, offering to carry them for her. He'd had no idea just how heavy they were.

As he toiled his way down the hall after her, he listened to her anxious chatter about the upcoming OWL's. Lily seemed very nervous about the entire affair, and was apparently studying nonstop in preparation.

James decided that she looked very stressed, and needed to relax somehow. He was just starting to think of all the wonderful ways he could relax her when they rounded a corner and nearly bumped into someone dangling by their legs in midair.

Lily huffed in annoyance and muttered, "I haven't got time for this!" She pulled out her wand and a second later, the boy was sprawled on the ground. He jumped to his feet, straightening his robes, and thanked Lily with what looked like a permanent blush on his face. After he hurried off, Lily spun around and set off for the library again.

"I swear, every five seconds I find someone hanging from the ceiling!" Lily said irritably, digging through her bag for her own Transfiguration notes. "What did that kid do to anyone?"

"Well, it's more the fact that he _exists_, if you know what I mean," James said jokingly.

"I suppose so," she said distractedly, still looking for her notes and not paying him the slightest bit of attention.

They continued on their way to the library, and when they got there, James actually got a bit of studying done in between watching Lily and being glared at by Matilda.

Unless he was very much mistaken, (and he didn't mind telling anyone, because he knew he wouldn't be) he was pretty sure that he was going to achieve an "Outstanding" OWL on that particular test.

* * *

Sirius crossed a t and dotted an i, then sat back and regarded his exam paper with satisfaction. He'd just finished taking the Defense written exam, and felt pretty good about it. He'd snickered at a few questions, namely number ten: '_Give five signs that identify the werewolf.' _

He tilted his chair back and gave a thumbs up when James turned around in his seat and grinned at him. He glanced back at Remus, who was still absorbed in the exam, and Peter, who appeared to be trying to eat his own fingers. He nodded at Matilda, who was sitting just behind him, and winked as she grinned back. He turned around in his chair and stared around once more. Snape was across the hall and still scribbling away, nose practically touching the parchment. Sirius snorted, then paused and considered him thoughtfully.

They still needed to figure out how to redirect the TSHSD's attention off of James and Lily. Sirius, who felt it was his duty as a friend who had nothing better to do at the moment, had taken it completely upon himself to find a new couple. He'd turned it into a quest of sorts. Snape seemed a likely prospect, as he wasn't well liked in the first place. But who hated him enough to actually redirect the title before James and Lily left school?

Sirius stared at him some more, until Snape, who seemed to realize he was being watched, looked up and sneered at him. Sirius sneered right back, and couldn't help but enjoy imagining him being brutally murdered by a Knarl. How he hated that Snivellus.

Wait.

_He_ hated Snape. Quite intensely, in fact. He and Snape would make the perfect Dysfunctional Couple! Sirius smiled, crowing inwardly at his own genius.

Being the Dysfunctional Couple with Snape would be no skin off his back. It wasn't as though he'd ever have a reason to _not _hate the git. It was perfect.

"Quills down, please!" Sirius jumped as Professor Flitwick's voice interrupted his thoughts. He waited anxiously to be excused, wanting to enact his plan as soon as possible. He met up with James, Remus and Peter, still absorbed in his new idea. He was aware enough to remember his thought from earlier and looked up at Remus.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" he asked with a smirk.

"Loved it," Remus said briskly. Sirius nodded and followed his friends outside as Remus continued. He went back to his thoughts, keeping one ear open as James asked Remus a question, feigning concern.

All he'd have to do, Sirius thought, laughing when the others did, was provoke Snape into really _despising _him, and the git would hate him enough to push the title onto them. He was pretty sure Snape hated him as a Marauder, and he was just as sure that Snape needed to hate him personally in order for the title be theirs. So he would just provoke Snape beyond what they usually did, and then,_ Viola! _James would have Lily, he would have a new best enemy, and everyone would be happy again.

He was feeling good, and rejoined the conversation in time to add, "Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake. I'll be surprised if I don't get an Outstanding on it at least."

"Me too," James said, pulling a Snitch out of his pocket.

"Where'd you get that?" Sirius asked curiously.

"Nicked it."

Sirius shook his head. _Trust James to do something like that, _he thought.James started playing with the Snitch, letting it go and waiting a few moments before snatching it again. _Trust James to do something like that, then show off about it, _Sirius amended.

They dropped down by the beech tree out on the grounds, and Sirius stared around, looking for a certain greasy haired git and wondering what he should to do to piss him off.

James was staring out at the lake, still messing with the Snitch. Remus was reading. Peter was watching James and applauding. Sirius was feeling a bit anxious about what he was about to do, and the noise was starting to grate on his nerves.

"Put that away will you?" Sirius said finally. "Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement."

"If it bothers you," James grinned, putting the Snitch away.

Sirius cast around for something to say as he continued to eye the grounds. "I'm bored," he said after a moment's thought. "Wish it was full moon."

"You might," Remus said darkly, shoving his book at Sirius. "We've still got Transfiguration, and if you're bored you could test me...here."

Sirius snorted. "I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all." _And besides, I need to keep an eye out for Snivellus._

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," James said quietly. "Look who it is..."

Sirius looked, and there was Snape, passing them on the grass. The git had perfect timing, he had to give him that. "Excellent," he said softly, "_Snivellus._"

Sirius stood, and was slightly surprised when James joined him. _He's mine! _Sirius couldn't help but think. _James, stay away!_

"All right, Snivellus?" James said loudly. Sirius felt like slapping him.

He watched regretfully as his plan went down the drain. James and Snivellus were exchanging curses like there was no tomorrow. There wasn't much he could do but insert himself into the situation and hope that Snape hated him for it more than James.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" James asked tauntingly.

_Stupid stupid stupid James... _"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Sirius said, trying to think of the most vicious thing he could. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Several people laughed. Sirius ignored them, trying to think of a way to get James out of the picture before it was too late. The curse James had used was keeping Snivellus from moving very much, which didn't stop him from threatening James. Sirius mocked Snape desperately, trying to keep the attention on himself.

James, who had apparently been encouraged by Sirius' own nasty behavior, yelled, "Scourgify!"

_Dammit, James! _Sirius yelled mentally. _You idiot!_

"Leave him ALONE!"

Sirius practically froze. This was going much worse than he could ever have imagined. Lily stood in front of them, glaring hatefully at them both.

James tried acting cool, and Sirius was too busy internally berating himself to realize what was going on until Lily declared that she wouldn't go out with James if it was a choice between him and the giant squid. Sirius felt like beating his head against the tree. Everything was going so wrong!

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius said, and hoping he could still salvage the situation, turned back to Snape in time to see that the git had finally reached his wand. "OY!" he yelled, too late. James was now sporting a gash down the side of his face. And Snape was now floating upside down in the middle of the lawns.

Sirius wanted to curl up in a ball and make Remus make it all better. Remus was good at that kind of thing. Sirius laughed hysterically, vaguely noticing that he wasn't the only one.

"Let him down!" And there was Lily again, who was most definitely _not_ okay with James bullying other students, no matter what James thought.

"Certainly." Now Snape was on the floor, ready to attack James. If there was one thing Sirius really_ didn't_ want happening right now, it was a full on wizards duel between the two of them.

"Locomotor mortis!" he yelled, and Snape fell over again, stiff as a board.

"Leave him alone!" Lily shouted, pulling out her own wand. Sirius eyed her warily. She looked horribly stressed. This entire situation had just gone wrong in the worst way, as he insisted on continually repeating to himself, and now, rather than Lily being on James' arm, he and James were on the wrong end of Lily's wand.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James said earnestly. Sirius felt like beating him wildly over the head with Remus' Transfiguration text. James just kept getting in the way of his own happiness, ruining every chance Sirius gave him to have what he wanted. Looking over at Remus, Sirius could tell by the furrowed brow and clenched hands that Remus was trying very hard to _not _do what Sirius had just imagined.

"Take the curse off him then!"

James sighed as though feeling rather put upon and reversed the spell, and Sirius realized that he might now have an inkling of how badly he'd screwed up. Strangely though, that did not stop him from continuing to screw up.

"There you go," James said in that brainless way he had, "you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" Snape yelled, flushing red.

_Oooh, _Sirius couldn't help but think, _He just messed up bad. And when did Lily become Evans? James _does _know he screwed up, then._

"Fine," Lily said coolly. "I won't bother in the future, And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_."

Sirius winced. He and James were in trouble now. Lily'd been mad before, yes. They would have been yelled at quite a bit, but then it would have been done with. He could tell, and quick glances at Remus and Matilda (who had followed Lily to the scene) confirmed it, that after that insult, Lily was going to be on the warpath once she got out of this crowd.

They were doomed.

"Apologize to Evans!" James roared, brandishing his wand threateningly at Snape.

They were doomed and James was not helping matters

Lily yelled at James, and James yelled something back, and Sirius was wondering which passageways Lily still didn't know about.

When Lily finally stormed off, Sirius thought the time might be right to curl up into a ball.

"What is it with her?" James asked, and Sirius could tell that behind the composed facade, James was upset and royally confused. He'd have to be an idiot not to see.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," Sirius said, hoping against hope that James would decide enough was enough, and let Sirius take it from there.

Unfortunately, that was not the case.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

_Well,_ _maybe James and Snivellus can be the Dysfunctional Couple, _Sirius thought morosely. _There's no point though, because if they are, Lily will never date him._

_

* * *

A/N: Sorry for taking so long. This has been my take on the Snapes Worst Memory scene. If you take it at face value that it actually is his worst memory, wouldn't you also take it to mean that this is the worst they ever treated him? (aside from the werewolf thing, but I'll get to that too)...Review!_


	17. A Depressing Summer

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: You know what? I am JKRowling! What are you gonna do about it? Try and prove I'm not, eh? Just try! _

_(Disclaimer for Disclaimer: You all know I was joking, don't you? Mr. Lawyer Man? What are those papers? Mr.Lawyer Man?)_

_Summary: Summer vacation...a few epiphanies. Should I warn you about the character death?_

_...naw..._

* * *

The fallout from the Snape catastrophe was terrible and great. Lily cornered James and Sirius in the common room after the last exam, Transfiguration, and screamed herself hoarse at them. By the end, James was cowering in his chair, and Sirius was sincerely beginning to regret trying to take things into his own hands with James and Lily nearby. 

He should have waited until they were out of earshot.

Sirius pondered all of this as he paced back and forth in his animagus form outside Zonko's. He was in Hogsmeade, on the last visit of the year, waiting for Bilius Weasley to show up. They had decided that only one of them needed to waste time waiting for the man, and so Sirius had elected to meet him and deliver him to the Three Broomsticks for the meeting and subsequent interrogation. His doggy face split into a grin as he thought about it. Soon they would have a solution to the TSHSD. Or at least more information, as Weasley had claimed to know a lot about it.

Speak of the devil, Sirius thought, eyeing a red headed, freckle faced man heading in his direction. If he wasn't a Weasley, Sirius would eat his own tail.

Sirius trotted up to the man, intending to lead him toward the pub. Weasley had stopped in front of Shrivenshafts and leaned against the wall, whistling.

Sirius came up next to him and nudged his hand, only to have the freckly man take one look at him and jump back in fear.

"I...you…" he stuttered, looking around wildly to see if anyone else noticed Sirius. No one else looked twice, having long since grown used to the black mutt. Sirius cocked his head in confusion, and the man whimpered in terror.

"You-you're a…a…Grim!"

And with that, he turned tail and fled, tripping over himself to get away and looking back several times to make sure Sirius hadn't followed.

Sirius started after him, perplexed. Weasley saw that he was following him and tripped over himself, sprawling on the ground, before jumping up and apparating away. Sirius shook his head and gave a canine equivalent of a shrug before trudging back to the Three Broomsticks, trying to figure out what had just happened.

* * *

"Well then," Sirius said, hoisting his trunk out of the luggage rack. "Wish me luck in Hell."

"Good luck!" Peter said dutifully.

"Mmm…" James muttered, staring out of the window distractedly.

"James," Remus said, waving a hand in front of his bespectacled friend's eyes. "James, are you alive in there? We're at the station; your parents are waiting for you outside."

James blinked. "What? Oh…yeah," He got up slowly from his seat and slouched toward the door.

"James!" Sirius called after him, "James! You forgot your trunk!"

"What's wrong with him?" Peter whispered as James slouched back to his trunk and tried halfheartedly to lift it without his wand.

Remus took pity on him and cast a lightening spell on it, then answered Peter quietly. "I think it's withdrawal. From the Billywigs, you know. Depression is a common symptom."

"But Sirius isn't depressed," Peter countered.

"Says who?" Sirius asked loudly. "I'm the one going back to those gits. I've more right to be depressed than anyone!"

James paused in dragging his trunk out into the corridor and said, "Hey, Sirius, you know you can drop by my place anytime, right? My parents love you."

"Hey, thanks mate," Sirius said fondly, ruffling James' hair and ducking the automatic attempted blow to the head that followed. "I might take you up on that, actually."

"Yeah," James said, giving him a feeble smile. "It'll be great."

* * *

James said goodbye to his friends and dragged his trunk onto the platform, searching for the familiar sight of his parents. Instead, his eye caught on red hair and he quickly turned away, feeling ashamed and upset as he always did when he saw Lily these days. 

She still hadn't forgiven him for the incident with Snape. In fact, James didn't think she was happy with anyone involved in 'The Incident' as he had taken to calling it in his head. As far as he knew, she was still ignoring Sirius and even Remus, who she seemed to think should have acted as a prefect and stepped in. He'd even heard from Sirius who had apparently heard from Matilda that she wasn't talking with Snape, although why she had ever done so in the first place was lost on James.

He found his parents, who seemed happy to see him, but worried at his uncharacteristic silence and new introspective attitude. He barely spoke at all when they offered him the portkey home, and when he arrived he went straight up to his old bedroom and flopped down on the bed.

He wondered why he was so unhappy over the situation. He'd never been so miserable before, and Lily had been angry at him loads of times. They made a point of it, every so often, to find something to argue about. He supposed that was when the TSHSD had kicked in.

If only he hadn't baited Snape like that. He'd just been so tense about trying to get the Theory off his shoulders that he'd needed to take it out on somebody. And Snape had been that somebody, along with a few random people he'd strung up around school.

If only he'd had a way of relieving the tension. James thought about how relaxed he'd been before Lily had agreed to a date. Of course, that had been because of the billywigs, but –

But.

James sat up straight in his bed, eyes wide with revelation. He'd only agreed to quit because Lily had promised him a date. She hadn't fulfilled that promise, and with the way things were going, she wasn't planning on it.

Here he was, keeping up his end of the bargain for absolutely no reason at all. James shook his head, marveling at his own stupidity.

"Topper!" he called eagerly.

The family house elf appeared with a crack, and said, "Yes, Master James? Is you wanting something?"

"Topper," he asked, "Do you know what billywigs are?"

"Yes, Master James," Topper answered, straightening his tea cozy. "Why does Master James want to know?"

"Topper," Master James said carefully, "I want you to get me a jarful of them. Can you do that? There are some in the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts if you can't find them anywhere else. And hurry, please."

"Yes sir," Topper said keenly. "Topper will have billywigs for Master James as fast as he can!"

And with that, he disappeared.

James sighed and lay back on his bed, already feeling better.

* * *

"James! Oy! James!"

"Mmph."

"Jamsie! Wake up!"

"'M not goin' to class today. Tell McGonagall I've died."

"James, you prat, it's me! Sirius!" Sirius tempered this statement by hitting James repeatedly over the head with a pillow. "I've run away and you said I could stay here!"

James opened his eyes blearily. "Sirius? It's two in the mornin'."

"Yeah, I know. Now move over, I'm knackered."

"Get your own bed," James mumbled, rolling over and hiding his head under a pillow.

"Well, what a proper host you are," Sirius said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Well fine then."

He flipped the mattress, dumping James off with a yelp, and settled down on the now empty bed.

"Thanks," he said comfortably as James scowled at him from the floor. "You're a pal, you know that?"

* * *

The next morning, James brought Sirius down to say hello to his parents, who were surprised, to say the least.

Sirius explained that he'd grown tired of his family's expectations of him, and after loudly declaring that they were all racist bastards who deserved to have a bowtruckle shoved where the sun doesn't shine, he packed his things and left.

"Reggie was kind of upset," Sirius said over breakfast. "But I told him we'd still see each other at Hogwarts, and that I didn't mean it about the bowtruckle thing." He stared darkly at his plate. "For him, anyway."

Sirius spent the rest of the summer lazing about, ordering Topper around and racing his broom in the fields behind James' house.

James did much the same thing, but with the added distraction of finding ways to sneak away from Sirius in order to sting a few times a day. He hadn't told Sirius because, much as he'd like to share the fun, he figured that the more of a secret it was, the better chance he had of convincing Lily to change her mind after they'd gotten back to school and she'd calmed down a bit.

* * *

"So I was thinking, James," Sirius said, digging into his waffles. "We should try and contact Weasley again when we get back to school next week."

"Do you really think he thought you were a Grim?" James asked curiously.

"Must have. I mean, he ran really fast." Sirius shrugged. "Mrs. Potter, these waffles are delicious, could I get some more if it's not too much trouble?"

"Of course, darling," James' mother beamed at the compliment to her cooking and offered Sirius the latest batch. "Fresh from the stove, dear."

"You're a goddess, ma'am."

Mr. Potter looked up from his newspaper and frowned. "Sirius, those were my waffles! Honey, why did you give him my waffles?"

"Charlus, when you compliment my waffles like Sirius does, maybe you'll see them on your plate more often."

Mr. Potter folded up his paper and stood, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "I'm sure your waffles are lovely, Dorea. Unfortunately, I haven't tasted them in a good long while, as you insist on giving them all to charming scavengers, so I can't judge properly."

He winked at Sirius, who grinned back and stuffed a large bite of waffle into his mouth.

"So Bilius Weasley," James interrupted, grinning at the put out look on his father's face as Sirius took another large, mocking bite.

"Oh those poor Weasleys," Mrs. Potter said, "I hear they're still in mourning."

James' head snapped, startled. "Over what?"

His mother looked at him in surprise. "Why you said it yourself, dear. Bilius Weasley."

"What happened to him?" Sirius asked, forgetting about his pancakes for a moment.

"Why, he passed on," Dorea Potter said sadly. "They say he saw a Grim, and died twenty four hours later."

Sirius went white. "A…a Grim?"

"Yes," she went on, unaware of his shocked expression. "Just before you two got back from school, in fact."

James was staring between her and Sirius in horror. "How do they know it was a Grim?" he asked fearfully.

"Well, I was talking to Cedrella Weasley, his mother, you know, and she said he'd gone to some kind of business meeting," Mrs. Potter shook her head sadly. "He came back, terrified, whispering about having seen a Grim, then fainted. His heart just couldn't take the strain, and he died."

She dabbed at her eyes with a napkin and said, "That poor woman. A mother should never have to bury her child." Mr. Potter put his arms around her and whispered comfortingly to her.

James shifted uneasily in his chair and darted a look at Sirius, who was looking very pale and horrified.

"That…really is terrible, mum," James said, jumping up and pulling Sirius with him. "C'mon, Sirius."

* * *

"So what did you do over the holiday?" Remus asked James and Sirius, back on the train and hoisting his luggage into a rack.

Sirius stared sadly out the window, scuffing his foot on the floor. "I killed a man."

Remus nearly dropped his trunk.

"Excuse me?" he asked in disbelief. "You're joking, right?"

Peter's eyes were wide. "He didn't sound like he was joking."

"He didn't," James said. "I mean, he wasn't. I mean, it wasn't his fault. I -"

"It was all my fault!" Sirius cried. "I'm so terrifying, the very sight of me causes people to drop dead where they stand!"

"Wait," Peter began, but Sirius cut him off, shouting now.

"I'm a menace to society! My very appearance causes hearts to stop! And not because I'm so attractive, either!"

"Sirius," Remus tried, but Sirius was having none of it.

"Remus," he returned, spinning around to face his worried friend. "I'm a murderer. I won't be able to stop myself. I'll be locked up in Azkaban before we're out of school!"

"Sirius, calm down!" James yelled, slapping his friend in the back of the head. "We've gone over this, you idiot! Weasley was superstitious, you were in your dog form -"

"Ooohhh," Remus and Peter said together, eyes wide with sudden understanding.

"Sirius, that's not your fault," Remus said consolingly. "You can't help looking the way you do, or being the way you are. Trust me."

Sirius sank down onto a seat and looked at Remus desperately. "If I'd just met him normally, if I hadn't been messing about as Padfoot, he wouldn't have died."

"But you couldn't have known that," Peter said reasonably. Remus and James nodded, and Sirius looked a bit better.

"You could never have predicted that he'd react the way he did," James said reasonably. "Now, I've got to go to the loo."

Sirius looked up at this strange change of topic, but James was already out the door.

"He does that far too often," Sirius muttered.

"He seems happier than when we saw him last," Remus commented. "Good job, Sirius."

"I didn't do it," Sirius said, shaking his head. "He was already back to his usual self by the time I showed up at his house."

"I wonder what did it then?" Peter wondered.

* * *

James darted into the little bathroom down the hall from his compartment and hurriedly locked the door. Fumbling through his pockets, he pulled out the small vial he carried around with him at all times and pulled the cork, releasing the small, vivid blue insect from its confinement. He pressed it against his arm, sighing in relief as it stung him.

James floated lazily in midair as a dopey grin spread across his face. He hadn't been able to sting since early this morning, and he'd been getting antsy.

James sighed and leaned unnecessarily against the top part of the door.

Thank heavens for billywigs.

* * *

_   
A/N:__ James. You stupid, stupid boy...Oh well. Here is chapter... whatever chapter this is...seventeen, I think...well. I'll ask you to review, but you know and I know that my begging isn't going to do much. If you're going to review, you're going to review, regardless of what I'm saying down here. In any case, I shall attempt to entice you toward reviewing by offering the Moony plushie I stole from FA a few months ago. First review gets an ear, second an eye, and so on. I've got a knife, and Moony's got a death wish. His jaws were getting a little too close to Cheese, my stuffed sheep, for my comfort._


	18. James' Overinflated Head

* * *

It had been three weeks since school started, and a sort of routine had been set up. Lily was no longer cross with James and Sirius; the summer had mellowed her anger. Of course, she still wasn't speaking to them, but it wasn't so much an angry silence as an indifferent one.

She spent her time with Matilda and, when their roommate Elly wasn't busy changing the first year's hair color and making the armchairs in the common room dance, she joined them as well. The TSHSD was well forgotten, as, to Matilda's obvious relief, Lily had given up on any sort of acquaintance with James Potter aside from the occasional squabble.

Sirius spent most of the first few weeks explaining himself to Regulus while fending off and sometimes goading the Slytherins that came with him. James, Remus and Peter had learned early on to escape when they saw Regulus heading their way with that certain stubborn set to his face that was so reminiscent of Sirius himself.

These incidents gave James ample opportunity to sneak off to the Forbidden Forest for a few hours and sting. The Forest was the most convenient place for him to do so, especially after he found that all the house elves had been warned by Bibb and Tippy not to give any students billywigs. All he'd gotten out of that attempt was a sobbing house elf trying to explain to him the dangers of drug use while slamming his own head into a wall.

So the Forest not only provided him billywigs, it also offered a place that he wasn't likely to be discovered in (it being called the 'Forbidden' Forest for a reason) and somewhere to hang out while he waited for the euphoria and levitation to wear off.

Which was exactly what he was doing hanging out in the forest at dusk on the second full moon of the school year.

James knew he was supposed to be meeting Sirius and Peter in the entrance hall soon; he knew they were going to spring Moony in less than two hours. They'd being practicing the animagus transformation for years, and now they were putting it to good use. He'd be meeting them soon. He just needed to unwind a bit beforehand.

James fumbled with the mossy jar he carried around in his pocket and pulled out a few more billywigs. He had two hours, which meant that one more sting would be cutting it fine, but after three weeks James was nothing if not confident that no one would notice or question him if he showed up a bit late with an unexplainable, loopy grin and a bounce in his step.

As he shoved the extra, rather irritated billywigs back into the jar and fumbled with the lid, the jar slipped from his scrabbling grip and fell to the ground, smashing to pieces. James stared at it blankly for a moment, watching as the aggravated insects swarmed away from their once-prison and advanced on him, buzzing furiously.

James scrambled backward, grasping at thin air and nearby tree branches. "Oh. Bugger."

The hoard attacked, upward of twenty billywigs stinging him all at once, mostly around the face and neck, as he was wearing his school robes. James cried out, swatting at them, which only served to further anger the little blue demons.

After they'd all stung and tormented him for the longest few minutes of James' life, he was left hanging in the clearing, very intoxicated, mildly irritated, and beginning to rise higher in the air than usual.

James didn't notice this. Or at least he didn't notice this until a well placed branch impeded his ascent. He'd still been grumbling over the mass breakout from his little insect Azkaban. The branch plowing into his stomach, however, drove all thoughts of the possibility for miniature dementors with butterfly wings out of his mind.

James looked around, and, in his completely smashed-in-a-way-that-firewhiskey-only-dreamed-of-replicating state, very thickly and slowly came to the conclusion that he was higher up than he was meant to be. After a bit of thought, he decided triumphantly that this was because of the vicious assault of the billywigs a few minutes ago.

He was happily congratulating himself on this mental achievement when a memory penetrated his venom-induced haze.

_They will rise rapidly into the air and will not return to solid ground until the head is either deflated or pops._

Deflate or pop.

James felt his head. It seemed a bit...swollen. He cautiously let go of the tree trunk and felt himself begin to rise again, as though he was filled with helium.

This was bad.

* * *

Lily was in the common room, playing a game of chess with Peter. He was well known in the house for his amazing games skills. Rumor had it that, no matter what the game, Peter would beat you at it. Lily was determined to prove that rumor false, and was single-mindedly focused on Peter's pieces as he swallowed hard and moved his bishop.

Lily crowed and captured it with a knight. Peter wasn't _that_ good. She smiled at him sweetly and said, "Your turn, Peter!"

Peter made a face at her and glanced around hopefully before moving a pawn, which Lily promptly destroyed.

Honestly, there must have been some mistake in the rumor mill, Lily thought as she waited for Peter to make a move, watching him sweat with evident enjoyment. Everyone was always so quick to believe what others told them, but Peter was obviously only average at chess. Lily couldn't stand it when other people blindly believed what they were told. Her schoolmates had blithely believed in the Theory and Peter's abilities, and look where that had gotten them. Worried over something that was nothing at all, and giving Peter genius status when he was obviously just another player. Even her sister did it; Lily was infuriated every time she thought about Petunia and her fiancée, his stout declaration and Petunia's doting agreement that Lily was abnormal.

Peter made another substandard move and Lily pounced, destroying his defenses and declaring Check with a vicious sort of satisfaction.

* * *

James floated past the lake and toward Hogwarts, now eye level with the fourth floor. The buzz was gone, but the uncontrollable levitation was not, and James was now starting to fully understand the situation. To put it frankly, he was terrified. He couldn't think of what to do, but he knew that he had to do something, and he had to do it fast.

He needed a way to deflate his head. He wasn't even going to consider the other option.

As James floated toward Hogwarts, Gryffindor Tower caught his eye. He set out toward it, deciding that the best thing to do at the moment would be to get inside before he was higher than the Astronomy Tower and beyond helping.

By the time he reached it, he was conveniently eye level with his own room, which was fortunately one of the higher ones. He reached out, and, grasping the sill, rapped sharply on the window, unsure if he wanted someone to be inside.

Fortunately, there was someone, and even more fortunately, it was Sirius.

* * *

Sirius had been sitting on his bed, idly tinkering with the Marauder's Map when he heard something tapping at the window. He was in the middle of a very tricky spell, and didn't want to be interrupted. Owls shouldn't be flying up to the dormitories, anyway. It was probably his imagination.

He listened hopefully, and heard nothing. He grinned and started poking at the dot labeled 'Severus Snape' again, wondering if the others would agree to let him add a bit of voodoo magic to the map.

The tapping began again, louder this time.

"What is it?" Sirius demanded, finally sitting up and looking at the window, expecting an owl, or possibly a raven. What he saw made his jaw drop.

It wasn't a bird. It was James, who looked nothing like a bird, because birds didn't cling onto the sill and look as though they were falling _up_, if that was possible.

Also, birds had more feathers and their heads weren't swollen so that they were nearly bigger than the window. James looked panicked and was gesturing wildly with his oversized head for Sirius to let him inside.

Sirius flung open the window and hauled James inside, giving an extra tug when his head looked as though it wasn't going to cooperate. When he'd gotten James safely inside and hovering near the ceiling, Sirius sat down abruptly and stared up at him.

"What the hell happened to you?" he asked, watching James cautiously. He wondered if it was a trick of the light, or if James' head was actually slowly expanding as he looked on.

"Sirius, I need your help," James said quickly. "Do you have any idea how to deflate me?"

Sirius stared up at him incredulously. "Are you serious?" he asked. "We're going to the Hospital Wing, James."

"No! You can't take me to Madam Pomfrey!" James cried out in a panic. "She'll find out how I got this way, and I'll be expelled or something!"

"How did you get this way?" Sirius asked, shaking his head.

James turned red, and muttered, "I may have been murrphg birriwurgs…"

"What?"

"I said I may have been doing billywigs!" James said loudly.

Sirius stared. "Oh…James, you idiot."

"Sirius, my head is going to explode if we don't do something to deflate it soon!" James said, panicking. "Where's Remus? He'll know what to do!"

Sirius stared at him, then said, "He's at the Shack, James, you know that. We _were_ going to meet him, but it looks like you've messed that plan up pretty badly."

"Oh no, the full moon…" James nearly hit himself on his overlarge head before remembering about the popping thing. "Sirius, we need to fix me."

"Alright, come down here, I've got an idea," Sirius said, reaching out for James's leg. When he'd pulled his friend down enough to grab onto the bedpost, he went over to the wall and pulled out a tack.

"Sirius…" James asked, suddenly not liking this idea at all. "What are you doing?"

"Okay, James. Here's the plan." Sirius seized hold of the collar of James' shirt and held up the pin for him to see. "Either we go to the hospital wing, or I see if I can deflate your head with a thumbtack."

"Let me go!" James struggled fruitlessly against Sirius' grip. "Sirius, you'll kill me! Are you insane?"

"Pick one, James."

"I don't want anyone to see me!"

"We'll hide you." Sirius paused thoughtfully. "We could turn you into a balloon…"

James sputtered. "I am not a balloon!"

"Well, no, not yet."

"Sirius!" James wailed. "You are not turning me into a balloon!"

"Well," Sirius asked impatiently, "What do you propose we do then?"

"We'll use my Cloak," James said after a moment's thought.

* * *

It turned out that the cloak wasn't big enough to cover James' head and the rest of his body, so they ended up compromising. James covered himself from the neck down with the cloak, and Sirius attached a string to James' head, making him look like a grotesque, Dark Arts version of a balloon that probably wouldn't have looked out of place at a birthday party for the Dark Lord.

Eventually they draped a bit of cloth over James' head, and Sirius led him carefully down the stairs, mindful of James' commentary in the background.

"Ow, ceiling… Ow, torch bracket. Ow, ceiling. OW! dammit, Sirius, you're doing this on purpose!"

"James, shut up!" Sirius whispered urgently, a small smile playing about his lips. "We're nearly downstairs!"

They actually had two more floors to go, but Sirius felt he had every right to get a bit of revenge for being looped into this mess.

James resumed his commentary in a whisper. "Ow, ceiling…ouch! Torch! Ow…Sirius, you're going to pop my head if you're not careful…"

"Shush, we're almost there…"

* * *

Lily watched Peter carefully as he considered his next move. Perhaps she had underestimated him. He'd managed to stay in the game long enough for everyone else to have gone to bed, although he had only half his pieces left.

Peter was just about to make his move when they heard a commotion from the stairs. They both looked over in time to see Sirius leading a very odd looking balloon down the stairs and whispering at it urgently. He looked up and jumped when he saw them watching him.

"Oh, hello Peter, Lily..." He forced a smile for them and made to leave.

"Sirius," Peter asked, eyeing Lily and choosing his words carefully. "What about our meeting?"

"Er, something came up, Peter…we might do it later, but right now it's going to have to wait…"

Peter looked concerned, but nodded, and Sirius turned briskly on his heel and headed toward the portrait hole.

"Sirius," Lily asked curiously. "Did your balloon just squeak?"

Sirius stopped in his tracks. The balloon squeaked again.

"No, of course it didn't," Sirius said, laughing nervously. "Are you alright, Lily?"

Lily narrowed her eyes in suspicion. Sirius balked under her gaze and she stood, stalking over to him and tugging sharply on the string. The balloon yelped, and she reached up and tugged at the material, only to gasp as it fell aside completely and revealed James' head.

It was not James's head as Lily remembered it from lunchtime. There were two big problems with this version of his head, one of those being the size, which gave James' features a distorted and almost terrifying cast, and the other being that there was no body attached to this head.

Lily screamed and backed away, shouting, "Oh my god, what did you _do_ to him!"

James grimaced, which only served to make his face look even more horrible.

"It's okay, Lily," he said unhappily. "Calm down."

James' disembodied head telling her to calm down when it was swollen to four times its original size, attached to a string and being led around the common room by a twitchy Sirius Black did nothing to calm her nerves.

Lily sat, breathing deeply and staring accusingly at Sirius. "What did you do to him?"

"Nothing, Lily, I - "

"His head is huge!" Lily cried in horror. "And apparently that's all that's left! What did you do with his body!"

James let the Invisibility Cloak fall from his shoulders, and Lily started in surprise, then relaxed into her chair.

"Oh thank heavens," she murmured, closing her eyes in relief. "Just one of your stupid pranks. James, make your head go back to normal and come down here, you're freaking me out."

"Er…" James and Sirius looked at each other worriedly.

She opened her eyes and looked at them both suspiciously. "This isn't a prank, is it?"

"She could probably help, you know," Sirius said to James in an undertone. James nodded pitiably and waved Sirius on.

"James…is an idiot," Sirius began carefully. James made a sound of shocked dissent and Lily covered her face with her hands.

"Do I want to know?"

Sirius considered this. "No, probably not."

"Tell me."

"Alright. Well, James is, as we are all aware, an idiot. Am I right?" Sirius began again. Peter nodded, having recovered from his own private shock and settled down to hear the story. Lily nodded as well, one hand still covering her eyes, and indicated for him to get on with it. Sirius pulled on the string, eliciting another yelp from said idiot, who was looking very miffed at the presentation going on at ground level.

"James, our beloved idiot, whom we love very much and will not murder for his actions-"

"Sirius…"

"Yes, well, he was stinging earlier and he overdosed like Remus said and now he's all floaty and he's going to pop if we don't fix him soon."

Sirius said all this very fast.

Lily stood up. "James was doing billywigs?" she asked Sirius.

Sirius backed away slightly, intimidated. "He's right behind me, you know. Ask him yourself."

"James!" Lily admonished in a disappointed sort of voice. "I thought you agreed to stop!"

James flushed, which actually made him look a bit more like a balloon, and said, "Well, you didn't keep up your end of the bargain, so why should I have kept up mine?"

Lily frowned severely at him and turned to Sirius instead. "He needs to go to the hospital wing. How much longer until his head bursts?"

"How should I know?" Sirius shrugged. "He just appeared outside the window ten minutes ago. I don't even know how long he's been like that."

"Right," Lily said, pulling out her wand and tapping it against her hand as she paced. "Right."

She brandished her wand at James, who flinched predictably, and cast a Stasis Charm on his head.

"That should at least stop his head from getting any bigger," she said thoughtfully. James' face had been frozen with an almost comical expression of shock.

Sirius and Peter snickered. They could almost feel the waves of irritation pouring off of James, who was gesticulating rudely at them with his hands.

"I think what we need is a potion," Lily said thoughtfully. "The antidote to a Swelling Solution should work well enough to get his head back under control, and then we'd just need to find something to get his feet back on solid ground."

Sirius and Peter nodded, looking very solemn. James still looked shocked, understandably, but indicated his approval with a thumbs up.

Sirius snickered again. When Lily looked at him curiously, he grinned and said, "There are so many jokes I could make right now, I don't know where to begin."

Lily sighed and said, "Sirius, you're going down to the potions room and getting me either the antidote if you can find it, or the ingredients so I can brew it myself."

"Yeah, but…"

"Sirius," Lily warned.

Sirius made a discontented sound and marched toward the portrait hole. "Fine…"

* * *


	19. Sirius' Worst Idea

_Author: evansentranced_

_Disclaimer: I'll bet you all just skip this bit anyway and go straight to the story. I feel very put-upon. Why do I bother... :sigh:_

_Summary: Hmmm..._

_Sirius: Holy crap, did I just say that?_

_James: OMGYouidiot!_

_Snape: WTFWEREWOLF!_

_Moony: Where wolf? (did I just give away the whole chapter plot? Meh, you had to know it was coming...)_

* * *

Sirius jogged down to the lower floors, careful not to make much noise, and kicking himself for having forgotten the invisibility cloak.

As he carefully maneuvered his way through the dungeons and to the potions storeroom, he couldn't help but remember James' ridiculously oversized head, floating around back in the common room and waiting for Sirius to come to the rescue with a Shrinking Solution.

Sirius sped up a bit, unable to get this image out of his head, and by the time he reached the storeroom he was fully prepared to jimmy it open at any and all costs. He was therefore quite surprised when the door gave at his touch and opened easily.

Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Sirius glanced around warily before slipping inside and looking around for the correct vial.

_There_. There it was, sitting innocuously on a shelf. The Shrinking Solution. James' only hope. Sirius snatched it up, placed it gently in his pocket, and turned to hurry back to the common room. When he reached the door, though, there was already someone there. And it was the last person on earth that Sirius wanted to see at the moment.

* * *

"So, James," Lily asked conversationally, staring up at his grotesquely skewed face. "Last year, during the OWLS, when I found all those people hanging by their ankles in the halls, you did that, didn't you?" 

James could only stare.

"It was you, wasn't it!" she demanded. "You did it to Galvin too! You destroyed all his books!" Still, all James could do was stare at her, an expression of shock plastered on his features.

"And I'll bet it was you and your friends who covered the stairs to the girls dorm in oil last year too!" Lily remembered, glaring at him furiously and tugging sharply on his string. "James, you are such an irresponsible prat!"

James' expression never wavered. His hands, on the other… hand, waved wildly in remonstration.

"Oh, don't give me that," Lily said irritably, turning away from him and going back to the chessboard and Peter. "Whose turn was it?"

"I don't remember," Peter said thoughtfully.

"I think it was your turn," Lily said, staring confusedly at the board.

"Okay…" Peter surveyed the board for a moment, before grinning widely and declaring, "Checkmate."

Lily's jaw dropped.

* * *

"What have we here?" Snape asked in a silky voice, barring the doorway and preventing Sirius' escape. "Stealing supplies? I don't think Professor Slughorn would be pleased with you." 

"Shove off, Snivellus," Sirius scoffed, thankful that he'd already hidden the potion in his pocket. "What are _you_ doing down here, then?"

"If you must know, Professor Slughorn gave me permission to brew tonight. Which means _I_ am allowed in here. And _you _are not. Funny, this situation we find ourselves in, isn't it?"

Sirius eyed the door, looking for an escape. James needed him.

"What were you looking for?" Snape demanded suddenly. Sirius glanced at him with an affected air of carelessness and shrugged.

"What's it to you?"

"I know you and your little band of blood traitors are up to something," Snape sneered at him.

"What me and my _friends_ do is none of your concern, Snivellus. And you of all people have no right to call them blood traitors, Mr. _Half-Witted Prince_."

Snape flushed momentarily, before regaining his equilibrium and snapping, "You have no right to be down here, you pathetic excuse for a Black. I heard they kicked you to the curb this summer. How does it feel to be rubbish?"

Sirius scowled. "As a matter of fact, I left. On my own. So bugger off about things that don't concern you."

"Your being down here, interrupting my brewing, that certainly concerns me," Snape said smoothly. "Perhaps we should make it Professor Slughorn's concern as well?"

Sirius was just about seeing red. He was wasting time down here; verbally sparring with Snape wasn't as important as saving James.

"I know you and your _blood traitors_ are up to something," Snape continued. "And you can bet that you'll be caught out. Lupin isn't really sick, is he? It's all just a cover for -"

That was the last straw. Sirius stopped thinking and started acting. "If you want to see how _sick_ Remus is, go down to the Whomping Willow tonight. If you prod the knot at the base of the tree, it'll freeze and you'll be able to find out _exactly_ what we're up to, _Snivellus._"

Snape was silent for a moment, staring at him calculatingly.

"Unless, of course, you're afraid…" Sirius taunted him. Snape's eyes flashed.

"I think you're forgetting which person in this room was sorted into _Gryffindor_," Snape snarled at him. The name of Sirius' house sounded like blasphemy on his tongue. "The rest of us don't feel the need to prove our worth by barging into stupid situations just to prove we can."

"That's just a Slytherin excuse for being too much of a whimp to follow through on anything."

Snape sneered at him again and swept out of the room like a twitchy bat. Sirius shook his head in disgust and hurried back to Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

"Still can't figure out how you did that," Lily muttered, staring down at the chess board. "I had you beat! You were gone! Demolished!" 

Peter grinned anxiously, staring up at James as he flailed about in midair for attention. "You've been staring at the chessboard for the last ten minutes, Lily. Could we put it away now? What about James?"

"What about James?" Lily asked, waving a hand dismissively. "He's perfectly fine."

"Yes, but I think he's sort of uncomfortable," Peter interpreted, drastically understating James' frenzied sign language. "Where's Sirius?"

"He's not here right now," Lily said distractedly, absorbed in her chess board. "I'm sure he'll be back soon."

Peter watched her with some distress. "Did you know James really likes you?" he asked, suddenly inspired.

James nearly fell out of the air, waving his arms like a maniac.

"Sure," Lily said, lifting a piece slightly with a frown. "Wait, this couldn't have been -"

"He talks about you all the time!" Peter said frantically. "He said once that he's –ow!"

James had somehow managed to hit him in the head with his shoe. Lily looked up at them, momentarily distracted when she realized what had just happened.

"James?" she asked with a grin. "Did you really just throw your shoe at Peter?"

James' face didn't budge an inch, although his arms waved in pathetic denial.

"You know," she said, trying not to laugh now. "I think I like this expression on his face."

At Peter's curious look, she said, "Watch. James!" she said, addressing the bulbous head. "The Chudley Cannons have won the Quidditch World Cup!"

James' face was twisted in shock.

"I know!" Lily enthused. "Not only are you stunned that I could tell you such a blatant lie, but you're also quite shocked that I know anything about Quidditch at all!"

Peter laughed at this. "Say, James!" he called. "Sirius hasn't gone to get you the potion after all!"

"Yeah," Lily invented. "He's off meeting his secret lover!"

"Snape!" Peter added. They both paused for a second, staring at each other. Peter shuddered. "I'm sorry."

Lily shook her head. "If I didn't know his face was frozen like that, I'd think he looked a bit horrified just then."

Sirius tore into the room at that point, clutching a vial of potion in his fist. "I got it!" he panted. "Sorry I took so long, met up with Snivellus along the way…"

Lily and Peter froze. Lily snickered and Peter elbowed her desperately.

Sirius stared between them in confusion. "What?"

"Nothing…" Lily's voice was filled with restrained mirth. "Just give me the potion, Sirius."

He handed it over and Lily tugged James down to eye level with his string, before uncorking the vial and pouring the contents over his head. There was a small whooshing sound as James' head rapidly returned to its normal shape and size.

"Now lets see if it worked," Lily said, and canceled the Stasis Charm with a flick of her wand.

James gasped and shook his head like a wet dog. He was still hovering, but his head was back to normal. "That was the most uncomfortable thing _ever,_" he said with the certainty of one who has been placed in many uncomfortable positions in his lifetime. "And you two are filthy minded perverts."

Sirius' eyes widened. "What! What did I miss?"

All three of them eyed him silently. Lily looked like she was having difficulty keeping a straight face.

"Sirius, what happened with Snape?" she asked innocently. Peter elbowed her again, and she snickered. James shook his head and bit his lip to keep from laughing.

He looked between the three of them in consternation. "He was in the storeroom. Distracted me for a bit -" Peter's face was turning red, and Lily was snickering silently. "-then I -"

Sirius stopped talking. His face registered shock, slowly progressing to alarm.

"Sirius, what? What's wrong?" James waved a hand in front of his friend's face, and Sirius waved him off in distress.

"I'm an idiot! I told him how to get to -" he paused, looking at Lily. "How to get to, erm…Moony."

Peter paled until he was white as a sheet, and Lily was a second from asking who or what Moony was when James suddenly crashed to the ground with a thump.

"You did _what_!" he cried, jumping to his feet and advancing on Sirius.

"I don't know what I was thinking!" Sirius said defensively. "I was so worried about what was going on here that I didn't -"

"Sirius, you idiot! He'll be killed! Do you really want that on R-Moony's conscience?"

Sirius blanched. He obviously hadn't registered this part of the problem until James pointed it out to him.

"Oh, no…" he said faintly, sinking down to the floor. "What did I do?"

James stared down at him, shaking his head and looking thoroughly repulsed. "Not right now, Sirius. We…I'll…I can't believe you."

And with that he rushed out of the common room, slamming the portrait hole shut behind him.

* * *

Severus Snape, despite his scathing words to Sirius earlier, had always had a rather curious nature. It was part of what made potions so interesting to him. He always wanted to know what would happen if you did _this_, or why the potion blew up when Marsh wasn't paying attention and added too many drops of squonk tears. 

It was great for his potion making, that curious nature. Not so good for keeping his head down and ignoring what idiotic Gryffindors told him.

So Snape was sneaking stealthily down to the Whomping Willow, keeping an eye out, of course, because it would be just like Black to have lied to him just to get him in trouble. He found a stick long enough to get the job done and ended up prodding two knots and nearly getting his nose broken before he found the right one.

Black hadn't been lying about that, at least.

Now to see where this tunnel led to. If it was some kind of secret passage out of Hogwarts, he was going to have Black and Potter and the other two in _so _much trouble.

Black was an idiot for having told him, really.

* * *

_Sirius is an idiot, Sirius is an idiot, Sirius is a stupid stupid stupid stupid idiot! Dammit Sirius, you stupid idiot!_

These were the thoughts figuratively racing through James' mind as he literally raced across the grounds to the Whomping Willow. As he'd opened the front doors, he'd witnessed the Willow freezing in the distance, and it really and truly hit him.

_Snape is going to die._

James, if he had had time, would have been thinking how stupid his earlier worries were. Possibly being expelled for illegal use of mind-enhancing insect-fluid was nothing compared to a student dying that he knew and…well…didn't hate as much as he'd thought if the thought of him dying was causing such a panic.

And that wasn't even to mention how it would ruin Remus' life. It wouldn't even just be about his being expelled and possibly sentenced to Azkaban (the wizarding world didn't take kindly to werewolves in general, not to mention the ones that had mauled someone during their time of month). The guilt would destroy Remus. He wouldn't need any dementors for that.

James ran faster.

* * *

"What is going on!" Lily demanded irritably. 

"Lily, please." Peter said distractedly. "Let me finish first.

"Sirius, you idiot! You stupid, stupid stupid stupid idiot! You're a pillock! A moron! A nitwit! How could you be so _stupid_?"

Peter punctuated each of his words with a blow from the shoe James had left on the floor. Sirius was kneeling on the ground pathetically, head in his hands.

"I know!" he moaned. "I told you! I did! At the beginning of the year! I get people killed, Peter! I'll be sent to Azkaban, and I'll deserve it! It's more my fault than R-Moony's! He'd never hurt a fly!"

Peter stopped hitting him with the shoe, staring down at the pathetic remains of his most admired friend. "Sirius, I can't beat you properly if you're so remorseful."

Sirius curled up in a ball on the floor.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered.

"What's going on?" Lily asked in a much more subdued tone, staring between the two of them uncertainly. After all, one didn't see Sirius Black go to pieces while Peter Pettigrew beat him with a shoe every day.

Peter sighed and sank down onto the couch, staring at his feet. "I'm not the one to tell you, Lily, sorry." He addressed the lump of Black on the floor. "I suppose all we can really do is wait. James is out there, trying to fix the mess you made. If anyone can do it, it's him. I certainly wouldn't be able to, and you're in no condition…"

Sirius uncurled from his ball and leaned against the couch. He looked up at Peter and said, "I can't believe I did that, Wormtail. D'you think he'll ever forgive me?"

"How would I know? You'll have to ask him…"

And with that, they fell silent, Lily watching them both with concern.

* * *

James prodded the knot on the tree and tumbled inside. Hopefully, he'd be able to catch up to Snape. He didn't think the Slytherin would have cause to move particularly fast, and with luck, James would be able to catch up to him before he got anywhere near the Shack. 

He only wished he could transform. His animagus form could run so much faster than his human body. But his stag was far too big to fit in this tunnel, and getting stuck would help nobody, least of all Snape and Moony.

Because Remus had to have transformed into Moony hours ago, and unlike the past year or so, there was no one around to take his mind off the excruciating pain and bloodlust. He must be tearing himself to bits, James thought sympathetically, unconsciously quickening his pace.

As he neared the Shack, he thought he saw a figure dart around a corner ahead.

James debated with himself for a moment before throwing caution to the winds and calling out, "Snape!"

He rounded the corner to see Snape jogging up the earthy stairs that led to the trapdoor.

"Snape, stop!" he called in a panicked voice. Snape paused on the stairs, drawing out his wand and sneering at James.

"What, Potter? Come to stop me finding out your secrets?" he asked maliciously. "What's on the other side of this trapdoor, then? I know we're not on Hogwarts grounds anymore. This tunnel goes on too long. Where are we? Hogsmede?"

James shook his head, ascending the stairs and gripping his wand tightly in his pocket. "No, you don't understand. You don't want to know what's on the other side of that door."

At that moment, the trapdoor rattled. Moony knew they were there. He could probably smell them. It was probably torturing him, how close he was to human flesh. James kept eye contact with Snape, willing him to come away from the door.

Snape had turned around to look at the rattling door suspiciously, and climbed a few more steps.

"Snape, stop!" James yelled desperately. "Please! You don't understand!"

"What have you got in here, Potter?" Snape asked, sounding half curious, half accusing. "Some kind of creature you, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin are raising? I think Professor Kettleburn would be interested in any creatures you four have managed to get hold of. In fact, I'll bet Professor Dumbledore might want a look as well."

James nodded. "Yeah, okay, go tell them then. I don't care, but please, _please_ don't open that door."

Snape's curiosity was eating him alive at this point. "Perhaps I should have a peek, so I have some idea of what I'll be informing them about." He raised his wand.

"Snape, _NO_!"

It was too late. The trapdoor flew open and Moony, who had retreated for a moment to the other side of the room, snapped his head around to look at them. A low growl rumbled in his throat, and he dove at the trapdoor with a snarl, teeth bared. Snape had frozen in terror, wand gripped loosely in his nerveless fingers.

"A werewolf?" he breathed. Apparently that had been the last thing he'd expected.

"Snape, you idiot!" James cried, whipping out his wand and yelling, "Colloportus!" The trapdoor slammed shut so hard that a rickety corner broke off and Moony was able to reach through and swipe at them with a giant paw.

James grabbed Snape by the back of the robes and yelled, "Dammit, run!"

Snape was still frozen in shock. That paw had been inches away from his face. James had to tug him more than halfway back through the passage before he got his bearings and began running on his own. The distant sound of splintering wood might have had something to do with that.

"What the bloody effing hell are you doing with a sodding werewolf, Potter?" Snape panted as they raced through the tunnel. He was ahead of James and gaining speed. Not that James was complaining. He'd been going slower than he liked before, having to drag Snape along. Now they could get the hell out of here properly.

"S'not mine, you pillock," James gasped, wishing again for his hooves.

They reached the Whomping Willow in record time, and James had to physically restrain Snape from leaving just yet.

"What the hell are you playing at?" Snape nearly screamed at him, staring behind him into the darkness, listening for the werewolf he knew was getting closer. It was only their considerable head-start that had prevented a massacre so far.

"The Willow," James said tersely, reaching an arm out carefully and prodding the knot before scrambling out, Snape close on his heels. The Whomping Willow was frozen again, and they scrambled away from it quickly.

"How much longer until it unfreezes?" Snape asked, backing away quickly, one eye on the base.

"Not long, but it doesn't matter. We need to get inside."

"No, I'd never have guessed," Snape said sarcastically, turning on his heel and positively sprinting for the front doors.

James raced along behind him, noting that Snape couldn't have been _too_ traumatized if he was back to his old sarcastic self.

He was strangely relieved by the idea. He'd rather have a sarcastic Snape than a dead one.

* * *

_A/N: Er... :whistles innocently: Did I do that? __There's still a bit more to come, I sort of promise! But this is one of the last chapters...my baby! It's nearly finished! What will I do when I'm done with Billywigs? Wow..._


	20. Sirius Black and the Massive Guilt Trip

_Author: evansentranced_

_Summary: Dumbledore dishes out the punishments, and the rewards. Remus reacts and Lily knows._

_Disclaimer: I made a song! "I'm not J-K-Row-ling! Bugger off you scalawag! Bugger off, bugger off!" :grin:_

**

* * *

**

James let out a sigh of relief as they slipped through the doors to the Entrance Hall and slammed them shut. He could faintly hear Moony howling in what could only be disappointment out on the grounds, and leaned his forehead against the wall, trying to even out his breathing. Snape stood nearby, staring at the doors. He blinked suddenly and turned around, heading for the staircase.

"Snape, where are you going?" James yelled after him. He'd thought Snape would want to head back to the dungeons and recoup after such a harrowing experience.

"I'm going to the Headmaster," Snape practically snarled at him from halfway up the steps. "If he doesn't know about that…creature, he's going to."

James shook his head. "He knows, don't worry about that."

"But does he know you know?" Snape asked calculatingly. James' head shot up and watched Snape's lip curl into a triumphant smirk. "I thought not. I'd like to know his opinion on what happened tonight, actually."

He did an about-face and continued climbing the stairs, James hot on his heels.

* * *

"D'you hear that?" Peter asked. Sirius perked up and listened for a moment. Something was howling. 

"Moony," he breathed hopefully. He dashed to the window and stuck his head out, listening carefully. His face split into a grin as he listened carefully to the howling. It sounded regretful.

"Peter! He's not eaten yet! Listen to that howl!"

Peter listened. "That's great, Sirius, but you know James and I don't _get _it like you do."

"That," Sirius said gleefully. "Is a sad howl. A 'Where-did-my-food-go?' howl. A 'He-got-away' howl!"

Peter grinned. "You're lucky, Sirius."

"We all are!" Sirius said happily. "No Azkaban for Sirius Black tonight! No sir!"

"Would one of you please tell me what's going on?" Lily asked tersely from her seat on the couch.

"No one's dead! That's what's going on!" Sirius was twirling in circles, his fists raised to the heavens. "Snape is alive! I can't believe I'm so happy!"

"You were worried that you'd killed Snape!" Lily asked, sitting bolt upright and staring at Sirius in shock. "What exactly did you do! And why did it involve howling on -" Lily looked out the window. "-On a full moon? Who is Moony?"

Peter and Sirius looked at each other, each thinking the same thing.

_Crap. _

Lily had always been a smart witch. Give her five more seconds and she'd have it figured out. They needed a distraction.

"Peter cheated at chess!" Sirius blurted out.

"What!" Peter cried.

"I've seen you do it before, Pete!" Sirius said accusingly. "He cheats at everything!"

Lily was staring at Peter, wide eyed. "You did, didn't you?"

Peter flushed red. "Well, I…erm…you see, the thing about that is…"

"I knew your knight wasn't supposed to be there!" Lily exclaimed triumphantly, rushing back to the chess board and staring at it.

Peter glared at Sirius, who shrugged.

"Ha!" Lily crowed, moving his knight back to its proper place. "Now, while we're waiting for James to get back, we're going to finish this game properly!" Peter walked slowly back to the table like a prisoner to the gallows. "We'll need a judge to make sure it stays _fair_," Lily said pointedly. Peter flushed again. "Where is Remus, anyway?"

Sirius froze, watching as Lily's eyes widened and darted to the window.

"Moony," she whispered. "Oh, Remus…" She looked to Sirius and Peter for confirmation, and they nodded helplessly. "And Sirius, you told Snape to…"

She trailed off, staring at Sirius. Then she stood slowly and walked back to the couch where Peter had left James' shoe and picked it up.

"Sirius Black you complete and utter…!" She rounded on him with a glare and wielded the shoe menacingly. Sirius cowered. "There are no words for what you did! I can't believe you…!"

Sirius winced as the first blow fell right between his eyes, but aside from a yelp of pain, said nothing. He truly did deserve this.

* * *

A half hour after they made it inside, James stood next to Sirius and Snape in the Headmaster's office, feeling inexplicably as though he had done something horribly wrong. Snape had gone straight to the headmaster from the Entrance Hall, and Sirius had been summoned from the Gryffindor common room immediately. 

Sirius had a large bruise along the left side of his face and was holding his ribs tenderly. James wasn't sure where he'd gotten his injuries, but couldn't feel overly sorry for him, not even when Snape accidentally-on-purpose elbowed him in the side.

Dumbledore watched them all, absorbing everything he'd been told so far.

"So to my understanding," he said thoughtfully, "Mr. Black here told you to go to the Whomping Willow, an order which you obeyed, despite your rivalry."

Snape nodded, although he looked highly displeased with the wording.

"At which point Mr. Potter here," Dumbledore nodded to James, "followed you and warned you of the danger, after which he helped you escape."

Snape nodded again, glaring at a paperweight on the desk.

"And you say you desire punishment for _both _of them?" Dumbledore asked, a note of incredulity in his voice.

Snape didn't say a word, switching his glare from the paperweight to a particularly flamboyant quill.

"I am going to list the crimes committed, and give punishment by the dictates of our school rules, if that is alright, Mr. Snape?"

Snape appeared wary, but nodded slowly.

Dumbledore smiled slightly at him. "For being out of grounds after hours, all three of you will have ten points taken from your Houses."

James could hear a strange sound coming from Snape now. He thought it might be grinding teeth.

"Mr. Black," Dumbledore said gravely. Snape rallied admirably and fixed his black eyes keenly on Dumbledore and Sirius. "You provoked another student into nearly harming themselves, and risked the lives of three of your classmates."

Sirius was as pale and shaking like a leaf.

"I-I'm sorry sir, so sorry!" he said urgently. "I never meant for it to happen, I wasn't even thinking! I- you have no idea how guilty I feel! It'll never _ever_ happen again - I don't even know why it happened this time!"

"It happened _this time,_" Snape interjected angrily, "Because you wanted me dead! Professor, he nearly _killed_ me! I want him expelled!"

"I don't want him dead, sir, I swear! I didn't mean to tell him about Remus, it just slipped out!"

"Oh, of course, it wasn't attempted homicide, it was a slip of the tongue!" Sarcasm dripped from Snape's words. "Now I believe you!"

"Mr. Black, Mr. Snape, both of you, be silent!" Sirius and Snape both shut their mouths. Dumbledore stood up and surveyed them all.

James stayed silent and looked down at his shoes. Shoe actually. He only had one. The shoeless sock was covered in grass and bits of twig. Quite interesting, really…

"Mr. Black, I do not believe that you meant to kill Mr. Snape," Dumbledore said, ignoring the slight sound of incredulity from Snape. "And you seem truly remorseful for your crime."

Snape glowered and opened his mouth to interrupt, but Dumbledore raised a hand.

"You did, however, seriously endanger another student with your thoughtless words and actions, and must be punished. You will have three months detention and two hundred points will be taken from Gryffindor. You will also be on probation for the remainder of the school year. Do not take this second chance for granted, Mr. Black, it will be the only one you receive."

Sirius nodded quickly, and James gripped his arm bracingly. He looked like he was about to sink to the floor in relief. No expulsion and no Azkaban could only be a good thing in Sirius' mind, James supposed.

Snape wasn't done yet, though. "He nearly killed me, Professor!" he reminded them angrily.

"He gave you a choice, Mr. Snape," Dumbledore said gently. "He gave you information, incomplete as it may have been, and you made the decision that precipitated tonight's events. He was wrong in giving you that information, and he has been punished for it."

Snape looked away mutinously, and his glare darkened. James realized after a moment that Snape was glowering at his shoeless foot.

"Mr. Potter, your part in this must be acknowledged as well."

James looked up in surprise.

"You saved Mr. Snape's life, and as grateful to you as I am sure he must be, I feel that such a noble and courageous action requires that I grant you at least one hundred points to Gryffindor," He smiled benevolently down at James and Snape, who appeared to be holding back some kind of vicious urge. "Don't you agree, Mr. Snape?"

A vein began throbbing slightly in Snape's temple as James watched. He had the feeling that he probably shouldn't ask for any payment of Snape's life debt to him any time in the near future. Snape might explode and then the debt would be void.

Snape nodded stiffly. "My life is…very valuable to me," he said with some difficulty.

"Precisely," Dumbledore said, and suddenly turned grave. "I must ask one thing of all of you. I would like an oath from each of you that you will not speak of what happened tonight with anyone who is not already aware of the situation."

James and Sirius agreed and made the oath immediately. They would never have told anyone in any case. Dumbledore turned to Snape expectantly, and at his grudging nod, beamed at them all.

"Wonderful!" he said. "Now, Mr. Snape, please stay behind. Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, please return to your common room immediately."

James and Sirius left the circular office and rode the staircase down to the gargoyle in silence. When they stepped out into the hall again, Sirius turned to James and said, "James, you know I didn't mean for this to happen, right? I'm not a murderer. You know that, right?"

James looked at the desperate look on Sirius' face, and remembered how he'd spent the entire summer in horror-filled shock after he found out about Bilius Weasley's death.

"I know, Sirius," he said finally, and Sirius' face split into a relieved grin. "But that was really stupid of you, telling Snape about the Willow."

"You think I don't know that?" Sirius groaned, holding his forehead with his hand. "Remus is never going to speak to me again because of this."

"He will," James said, privately thinking that Remus would have every right not to. "You know how forgiving he is."

"I dunno," Sirius said unhappily. "This is really serious. He's not just going to forgive and forget."

"At least you understand that," James said helpfully. "And you're not being immature about it. You'll grovel at his knees for the next year or so and he'll forgive you eventually. You'll see."

Sirius nodded, rubbing his bruise with a slight wince.

"Where did you get that?" James asked curiously, leading them to a shortcut behind a tapestry.

"What, is there actually a bruise?" Sirius asked in concern.

James nodded. "A very large and purple one."

"Lily and Peter did it. Peter did this one, and Lily," Sirius lifted his shirt slightly to show a very large, very red shoeprint across his torso. "Did this one."

James whistled slowly. "Why? She doesn't know about Remus…" Sirius looked away guiltily. James' eyes narrowed. "Sirius? She doesn't know about Remus, right? Tell me you didn't tell her about Remus."

"I didn't tell her about Remus." Sirius recited dutifully.

James stared suspiciously. "Now tell me Peter didn't tell her about Remus."

"Peter didn't tell her about Remus."

"Now swear it."

"I swear we didn't tell her about Remus."

"Good," James sighed. They'd reached the Fat Lady by now, and James gave the password. "So if she doesn't know about Remus, why did she hit you with a shoe?"

Sirius paused before climbing through the portrait hole. "I didn't say she didn't know. I said we didn't tell her."

James' mouth dropped open.

Before he could pull Sirius back and demand an explanation, there was a cry of relief from the common room.

"Sirius! James!"

Lily came dashing over to them, Peter in tow, and hugged them both. Then she slapped Sirius over the head with a familiar shoe. Sirius winced, but took it.

"Hey, that's my shoe!" James said, only slightly distracted by his hug.

"Oh, is it?" Lily asked, looking down at it in mild surprise. She handed it back to him, and he put it back on, twigs and all. "You don't mind if I used it to beat Sirius a few times, do you?"

James sighed. "What exactly do you know?"

Lily's eyes darted to the dormitory stairs, and she whispered, "Remus is a werewolf. And Sirius, the stupid _idiot_ that he is, told Snape how to find him in his werewolf form, which would have gotten Snape killed. And _you _went out there and saved him."

James wished he could play dumb and deny it all, but somehow he knew it wasn't going to work. Lily had never been the gullible type, after all, and she certainly wasn't stupid. And besides, there had been a touch of admiration in her voice when she had mentioned his part.

"How did you find out?" he asked dutifully.

Lily bit her lip. "Sirius and Peter were talking about someone howling sadly, and it all kind of just fit, then they confirmed it."

James glared at Sirius and Peter, both of whom looked suitably guilty.

"You won't tell anyone, right?" he asked hopefully. Lily shook her head firmly.

"Of course not!" she said. "It's not my secret to tell."

James could have kissed her, if he didn't know that she'd probably take his shoe back by force and give him bruises worse than the ones on Sirius.

"Good," he said happily. "You're in the know then. Remus won't mind, I don't think…" He raised his voice slightly for the benefit of any eavesdroppers. "We'll have to tell him immediately, when he wakes up tomorrow. You can come with us to visit him in the hospital wing. He came down with a terrible case of the flu, you know."

Lily nodded, suppressing a smile. "The poor boy. I'll have to bring him some chocolate."

James grinned. "He does love his chocolate."

* * *

The next morning, Sirius, Peter, James and Lily all visited Remus in the hospital wing. Matilda had wanted to come along when she heard Remus was sick, but Lily had told her that she needed to talk to Remus about the prefect duties he was missing, and would only be a moment, so Matilda agreed and went to breakfast instead. 

"Remus?" James asked tentatively, peeking around the curtains that screened him off from the rest of the room. "You okay?"

"I'm alright," came the tired reply. Remus sat up slightly and smiled wanly. "Something happened last night, didn't it?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sirius?" Remus asked curiously, peering through the gap in the curtain. "Was that you? Come in here. What happened?"

Sirius stepped in, followed by Peter and Lily, who smiled hesitantly at Remus and waved.

"What is Lily doing here?" Remus asked in confusion. "Guys, what happened last night?"

"How to explain?" Peter inquired of the ceiling. James cut in before he could say anything else.

"Sirius should. Explain, I mean."

All eyes turned to Sirius, who was perching timidly in a chair next to Remus' bed.

"Uhm…well it's like this…" he started, twisting the sleeve of his robe nervously. "See, I had to get a potion so that James and his head wouldn't explode, and Snape was there, and he was talking about you, and I got so mad and I didn't even think, and I told him to go down to the Whomping Willow and he _actually did, _and James pulled him back before anything could happen and I'm _so so so _sorry, and when we got back, Peter was beating me with a shoe, then Lily figured out everything, and then _she_ beat me with a shoe, and I have lots of bruises and detention for three months and probation and Dumbledore took a hundred points off Gryffindor if you don't count what James got back and I'm _so so so so so so _sorry and you have every right to hate me forever, but please please don't!"

He hunched his shoulders and stared at the floor, waiting for Remus to start yelling at him.

Remus stared at him with wide, betrayed eyes.

"You told Snape about me?"

"I'm sorry."

"You nearly let me _kill_ Snape?"

"I didn't even think…"

"Obviously."

Sirius glanced meekly up at Remus, who didn't look angry. He looked hurt and betrayed, which was almost worse. Sirius looked miserably at his shoes again, and Remus turned away as though he couldn't even look at him just yet. He looked at Lily instead, who was watching quietly.

"So you know everything?"

"Yes," Lily said with a hopeful smile.

James, who was just out of her vision, put his fingers to his head, mimicking antlers, and shook his head, mouthing, "Not _everything_."

Remus nodded, as much at Lily as James behind her. "And you won't tell, right?"

"Your secret is safe, Remus," Lily said cheerfully, avoiding looking at the slumped figure that was once Sirius Black.

Remus smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Lily. You don't know how much that means to me." He also avoided looking at Sirius.

* * *

_A/N: If you look back, all Sirius actually did was tell Snape how to get into the Whomping Willow. Snape was the one who used the information, which is what Dumbledore told Snape. The whole 'choices' gambit. Sirius was punished for his choice in telling Snape, and Snape suffered for his choice in actually doing something a hated enemy told him to. Rather stupid of him, actually, but his own decision. And about Sirius doing something so rash and stupid, and being so regretful later…well the Black family has quite a history of madness, don't you think? Review and tell me if you think. You don't know how long it took me to write this chapter. It's done! Huzzah!_


	21. Conclusivity

**

* * *

**

The next month was an awkward affair for the self-proclaimed Marauders. Remus and Sirius weren't speaking, and Peter and James couldn't (or more likely, wouldn't) do anything to remedy the situation. None of them liked it, but Sirius knew he deserved it, and Remus felt that he couldn't just _forgive_ Sirius immediately, especially when the betrayal was so fresh.

It certainly didn't help that Snape routinely went out of his way to make snide little comments at Remus about how he was looking a bit _wane_ that day, and how _beastly_ it was of him to glare when Snape was only inquiring after his health. No one who was unaware of Remus' condition would think anything of the wording Snape used, but Remus and his friends all understood.

Peter would never have done anything to Snape on his own, and all James could think of when Snape made these comments was how panicked Snape had sounded in the tunnel. Sirius restrained himself with difficultly, held back by his probation and terrified of expulsion.

Actually, it was inaccurate to say that Sirius and Remus weren't speaking. Remus wasn't speaking to Sirius, but Sirius spent most of his time apologizing to Remus, in one way or another. At lunch, he would hoard all the chocolate pudding for Remus. He took copious notes in all their shared classes and left them in Remus' textbooks. He spent a bucketful of galleons in Hogsmede, buying up all of the best chocolate Honeydukes had to offer, and leaving it all stashed in places where he knew Remus would find it.

In short, he groveled like the mangy dog he knew he was.

Remus took all this almost painfully, torn between staying angry at Sirius (as he thought he probably should) for a little longer, and forgiving his friend (Remus had always been a sucker for chocolate).

Peter, when asked for advice, was entirely unhelpful.

"Well, I dunno," he said, staring pensively at the arm of his chair. "Are you still mad at him? I mean, he really is sorry, but you shouldn't just forgive him because he buys you a bunch of candy. Unless you really want to of course, I mean -"

Peter went on in this vein for quite a while, and eventually Remus gave up on getting a definitive answer and turned to James hopefully.

"Well it _is_ up to you," James began, and faltered when Remus gave him a look that very clearly stated, 'Thanks, Peter.'

"Well it is!" James said defensively. "We can't make the decision for you, Remus. Just ask yourself if it's worth it. Does this mean more to you than your friendship with Sirius?"

Lily, who had been sitting nearby and listening in, seemed very approving of James' burgeoning maturity. She got up from her seat and sat down on the couch next to James, giving him a smile before turning to Remus and saying, "James is right."

James preened.

"What Sirius did was terrible, but I really don't think he meant to do it," she continued, ignoring the boy next to her, who had somehow figured out how to strut without ever leaving his seat. "He's falling all over himself to make it up to you. I think you should at least talk to him, just once, and give him a chance. At the risk of James' head swelling back up, I think he has the right idea. _Is_ this more important than your friendship with Sirius?"

Remus sat back in his chair and considered this, watching unseeingly as James pretended to act mortally offended by Lily's mention of his stint as a balloon animal. He really did miss Sirius, and if he was honest with himself, then no, this wasn't worth ruining a friendship over.

But could he just forgive and forget so easily?

* * *

Sirius sat in the library, grinning from ear to ear.

This was rather strange, in and of itself, especially as he had been moping not five minutes ago about the fact that he wasn't on speaking terms with one of his best friends because of his own idiocy.

But one little book had changed all that. One small, black, leather-bound book.

He wondered if he could check it out. It certainly would be useful, just being able to bring it right up to Gryffindor Tower to show them all. He wasn't sure if it would be allowed, though.

But before he could debate this any further, his brother wandered in and spotted him. Sirius quickly stuffed the book out of sight and waved halfheartedly as Regulus made a beeline for his table, a stony set to his face.

"Sirius," he said coolly.

"Reggie," he replied with a nod.

Regulus seemed slightly irritated by the nickname. "What did you do to Severus?"

Sirius frowned up at him. "That's none of your business."

Regulus scowled. "Yeah? Strangely enough, Severus said the same thing."

_'Go figure,' _Sirius thought. _'The git _can_ keep a secret.'_

What he said though, was more along the lines of, "That's probably because it really isn't any of your business, Reggie."

Sirius really did like his brother. When he could get Regulus alone, he was a great kid. He only ever had a problem with Reggie when the Slytherins or, god forbid, their parents were around.

Of course, the description 'great kid' could also sometimes mean 'stubborn git'.

Like now, for instance.

"Sirius, you did something to him," Regulus said, sitting down across from him and slamming his books down on the table as quietly as possible. "He was furious. And he won't even say a word. It has something to do with you and your friends, though, and I'm going to find out what it is."

Sirius wished he could tell Reggie some of what had happened. Just a little bit, enough to satisfy his brother's insatiable curiosity. Otherwise, his little brother _would_ investigate, and very likely _would_ find out exactly what had happened. Regulus was very, very Slytherin in that respect. He was the one who first found out about Andromeda dating a muggleborn, no matter how easily she had fooled the rest of the family. Reggie had gotten a tiny inkling of something being off and kept those sharp eyes of his peeled for weeks before finally dragging Sirius up to his bedroom and telling him everything he'd found out. Sirius had managed to keep his little brother from telling, though, and no one else had found out until Andromeda announced her wedding and was immediately blasted off the tapestry.

Point being, Regulus had _not_ been sorted into Slytherin because his parents had wanted him to be. He had truly earned his place in the dungeons. So Sirius felt entirely justified in being wary of his brother's declaration.

"Look, Regulus," Sirius said. Regulus noted the change and straightened hopefully. "This is something really serious, okay? Something you can't go poking around in."

Regulus narrowed his eyes, and Sirius belatedly realized that he had practically just issued a challenge.

"He came back really late on the night all this started," Regulus said, watching Sirius levelly. "He seemed really shaken and furious. He lost ten points that night. You lost over a hundred for your house."

Sirius wished again that his brother wasn't so damned attentive to detail and said, "Listen, Regulus, it was all an accident, okay? Just let it be. Please. I made an oath to Dumbledore not to tell anyone."

Regulus sat back, surprise evident on his features. "It's really that important?" he asked, still sounding far more intrigued than Sirius could be comfortable with.

"It's very important," Sirius agreed. "And it's important that no one knows, but it's not something that affects anyone but the people involved. I'm asking you as your brother, please don't get involved. It'll only get people like Dumbledore and Snape mad at you for prying."

Regulus leaned forward with a sigh and propped his chin in his hands. "Fine," he said reluctantly. "I'll not pry too much, I promise." Then he looked up at Sirius and scowled again. "But you did something to Severus, something really bad, to have lost so many points. Can't you just leave him alone?"

Sirius was struck with a sudden idea. "Nope, can't. Take a look in this and you'll see why." He pulled out the leather-bound book again and slid it across the table to Regulus with a grin. Regulus took it curiously and opened it.

* * *

James and Peter were playing chess. Lily and Matilda were refereeing, which mostly meant Lily watching Peter like a hawk while he sweated and fidgeted, and Matilda trying to convince Lily to lay off the poor bloke. James, personally, was very happy that Lily was sitting there and scaring Peter. Not just because he enjoyed her company in general, but because Peter was hopeless when she loomed over him like that, glaring sternly and checking every move he made. James had won three games so far.

Remus was still sitting in his chair, looking thoughtful and subdued.

"Ah ah, Peter," Matilda said. "Your rook can't go there."

Peter looked up at her with as much defiance as he could summon at the moment. "It can so!"

"Nope, not at all," Matilda said with a definitive shake of her head.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm playing winner and I am _not_ going to have Lily looming over the chess board like this the whole game." Lily's jaw dropped. "So lose," Matilda continued with a grin. "Go on, you know you were going to anyway."

Lily mock-glared at her friend, who grinned back at her cheekily. Peter frowned and moved his rook anyway.

"Good thing you didn't listen to her, Peter," James said. Peter looked up at him with dread and James responded with a smug grin and a declaration. "Checkmate!"

Matilda cheered. Lily booed. James and Peter looked at her in confusion.

"Just because I don't want him to cheat, doesn't mean I don't want him to win," Lily explained.

"Lily always supports the underdog," Matilda said absently, shoving lightly at Peter's shoulder. "Go on, get out of my seat." She settled down and prodded the players back into position before continuing. "It's why she likes the Chudley Cannons so much, no matter how many times I tell her how terribly they clash with her hair."

"Hair should have nothing do with what Quidditch team you support," Lily argued with a roll of her eyes. They'd had this conversation before.

"That's not what Sirius thinks," James disagreed, moving his pawn. "He only first started liking the Tornadoes because one of their Chasers has the same hairstyle as him."

"The Tornadoes are almost as bad as the Cannons!" Matilda said in surprise. "Maybe Sirius has a thing for underdogs too."

"No," James said thoughtfully. "I think it was mostly just the hair thing."

"Hey guys," Remus interrupted, pulling himself up out of his chair. "I'm going to go find Sirius."

"So you've decided to forgive him, then?" Lily asked approvingly. Remus nodded and left.

"What did Sirius do, anyway?" Matilda asked absently, staring mournfully at her rook, which had just been destroyed by one of James' pawns. "It has to be worse than ruining his Transfigurations project like you said, Lily. That's not worth a month of being ignored."

"Oh, er...well they've been, uhm..."

"It's really a combination of things," James cut in. Lily shot him a thankful look when Matilda wasn't looking. "They've been kind of irritated with each other for a while now, and the thing with his project was...what do the muggles say, Lily? The final straw?"

"Exactly right," Lily praised him, before looking at Matilda again and saying, "They just needed some time apart, Matilda."

"Oh, alright then," Matilda said, grinning up at James as she directed one of her knights to destroy his queen.

"Hey!" James said in surprise. "How did you...?"

James, Lily and Peter were all staring at the board in consternation when Remus and Sirius appeared at the entrance to the common room and made a beeline for their group.

"That was fast," Matilda remarked after she realized no one else was going to say anything.

"I found him in the hallway outside," Remus said with a smile. "You guys will never guess what Sirius found."

Sirius grinned and used the arm that wasn't slung around Remus' shoulders to reach into his pocket and pull out a small, leather-bound book.

"Remember this, James?"

James looked up from Matilda's befuddling little victory and his eyes fastened on the book.

"Sirius, is that...?"

Sirius nodded, and James rose from his chair, still staring at it.

"Something's changed, then?"

Sirius nodded again, grinning from ear to ear, and handed James the book when he reached for it. James flipped rapidly through to the last page and stood stock still, staring down at it with a smile growing on his lips.

There were his and Lily's names. But there was a new entry underneath it.

_Sirius Black and Severus Snape_

James looked up from the book to meet Sirius' eyes. Sirius nodded and James tossed the book to Peter and whooped.

"We're free!" he pulled Lily to her feet and spun her around. "Lily, we're free! No more Theory!"

Lily looked at him like he was insane. "What?"

"Don't you remember last year, Lily?" Remus asked her. "The Theory of a Stable Hogwarts through Stable -"

"Dysfunctionality?" Lily asked bemusedly. Remus nodded at her and smiled. "I remember that...why are we 'free'?"

"It's all in this book," Sirius said, snatching it out of Peter's hands and handing it to Lily, who opened it and began reading.

"Oh, wow..." Lily's eyes widened as she skimmed the explanation. "Even after Matilda explained it to me, I still sort of thought it was a myth..."

"Look at the last page," James said happily. Lily flipped to the end and skimmed again.

"Our names! And..." she looked up at Sirius, who grinned at her. "You and Snape?"

Sirius nodded happily and joined in when James grabbed his and Remus' arms and began to dance.

"Free free free," James crowed. "I don't have to worry about the stupid Theory anymore! Huzzah!"

"What happened to it being a bunch of rubbish, James?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow.

James was in too good a mood to be cowed. "Look at that book, Lily! It's clearly all true!"

Matilda took the book from Lily and looked it over carefully. "Certainly looks right, Lily." She paused thoughtfully, then smirked deviously at her friend. "I suppose you and James can go out now."

James stopped dancing.

"Damn you, Matilda," Lily said without moving her lips so that James, who was now watching her hopefully, wouldn't see.

"What do you say, Lily?" James asked. "I promise I won't get high and pass out at Hagrid's again. I haven't even looked at a Billywig since that whole thing with my head."

"He's been a real gentleman all year, Lils." Sirius pitched in, putting his chin on James' shoulder and making a puppy dog face. "After all we went through to make this possible, would you turn him down?"

"Yeah, I'm sure that whole thing with Snape was so that James could get a date," Remus whispered with a roll of his eyes.

"Here, Remus, have some chocolate," Sirius said, pulling out a bar of Honeydukes and handing it to Remus. Remus took it with raised eyebrows.

"Are you just going to carry around chocolate from now on to placate me when you say something stupid?" he asked almost fondly, unwrapping the candy.

Sirius nodded. "Something like that, yeah."

"So what do you say, Lily?" James asked again, trying out Sirius' puppy dog eyes. "Hogsmede?"

Lily sighed and smiled a bit. "You'll never leave me alone if I don't, will you?"

"You know me so well!" James laughed delightedly.

* * *

"Hey, James?"

"Yeah, Sirius?"

The four Marauders (plus Lily) were reclining against the wall in a corridor, basking in the warm glow that came from being sixth years and therefore not having any OWLs or NEWTs to study for. At first, the four boys hadn't understood why Lily had insisted upon sitting in this particular hallway, but after the first three fifth years rushed past, panicked and clutching stacks of books almost larger than they were, Sirius, James, Remus and Peter began to realize the merits of sitting so close to the library.

"You're a prat," Sirius said absently. James made a face at him and flicked a balled up scrap of parchment at him. One of the fifth years had dropped in on the way past.

Remus' stomach growled, and Sirius absentmindedly tossed a bar of chocolate at him. Remus grinned and unwrapped it.

"Bugger off, Sirius," Lily said with a smile. "At least he's not a cocky prat, like he used to be."

"Hey!" James started, but Remus interrupted him.

"James, I think you should just go along with this one," he warned teasingly. "It's a good think if your girlfriend doesn't think you're a complete arse." He unwrapped a bit more of his chocolate and stuck a piece in his mouth before examining the wrapper curiously and saying, "Sirius, there's a lemon drop stuck to my chocolate."

Sirius frowned and asked, "Pardon?"

"A lemon drop," Remus repeated. "On my chocolate bar."

Sirius examined said lemon drop, which was rather old and covered in lint.

"Hmm, strange. I have no idea where that came from." Sirius said, confused.

"How very bizarre," Lily commented, absently snagging James' glasses and trying them on.

"Doesn't Dumbledore give out lemon drops all the time?" James suggested, blinking curiously at the blurry figures around him.

"Hey, yeah!" Sirius said. "He gave me one when I was in his office once, I think. Want it, James?"

He picked a bit of the lint off and dusted it on his shirtfront before handing it to his legally blind friend.

"What's wrong with it?" James asked suspiciously. Lily grinned and refused him his glasses.

"It's just a bit old," Sirius said. "I haven't been to Dumbledore's office in a while."

James wrinkled his nose for a moment, then shrugged and held out his hand.

"Sure. It couldn't be too bad."

Sirius, Remus and Lily watched eagerly as he took the lemon drop. Peter moved from his spot on the wall for a better view.

James popped it into his mouth and they all sat for a second, staring at him until he suddenly made a face.

"Sirius," he said weakly. "It's furry."

Another seventh year passed them by, sparing hardly a glance for the group.

"It's furry and it's stale and I think the insides dissolved," James said, opening his mouth as little as possible and beginning to look faintly green.

"Well, spit it out then," Lily said.

"Too late," James said sadly. "I bit down and now the taste is everywhere. How long ago did you get this, Sirius?"

"Hmmm…remember that time last year when we were trying to make new dysfunctional couples and I got caught?" Sirius asked. James nodded feebly.

"It was then."

"Oh gods," James moaned, clutching his stomach pathetically. "Don't you ever wash your robes?"

"Do you want some chocolate to wash it down?" Remus asked with some concern. James nodded and held out his hand.

"Please," he said. When Remus gave him the chocolate, he handed it to Lily, who looked at it in confusion. "Is it really chocolate?" James asked hopefully. "It isn't old or nasty, or something else entirely, is it?"

"Noooo…." Lily said slowly turning the candy over in her hands.

"I'm trusting you, Lily," James warned. "You're supposed to be my girlfriend, right? You wouldn't poison me for fun, would you?"

"Why doesn't Lily just give you back your glasses?" Peter asked in confusion.

"Because no, that's why," Lily replied, blinking at him through the frames. "James, it's fine, I promise." She kissed him on the cheek and handed it back. "And I promise I would only poison you for profit or because you drove me to it. Never for fun."

"She's a keeper," Remus laughed, and Peter and Sirius nodded, grinning with approval.

James put the candy in his mouth dutifully, and let out a sigh of relief when nothing untoward happened.

"That really was quite disgusting, Sirius," he said nonchalantly, reclining against the wall again now that the crisis had abated.

Remus, Peter and Sirius watched him, expectant, waiting for some sort of revenge. James just sat placidly with Lily, watching various panicked students rush past.

"What gives?" Peter asked in confusion.

"Maybe he's on Billywigs again?" Remus suggested.

"Maybe…" Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Maybe there _is_ something more to those lemon drops..."

* * *


End file.
